


Someone you Loved

by Sunset_Blvrd



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Romance, Best Friends, F/M, Love/Hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 08:53:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 44,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19269895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunset_Blvrd/pseuds/Sunset_Blvrd
Summary: It was never supposed to be more than a distraction. A distraction of the war, of their pain, of their life. Now in Seventh, they have to live with the consequences of their decisions and mistakes. Dark. M for a reason - themes, language, sexual nature





	1. Chapter 1

Note: So I tried writing this a long time ago and I have recently come across it. I made an effort to try and rewrite it but it turned into more than what it was. 

Each Chapter is entitled with a different song, in a kind of mood setter. 

Same premise, darker themes, more swearing and more chapters. 

Again, just to reiterate….LOTS of swearing. 

Disclaimer: Not my characters :(

 

1\. Breakin’- All American Rejects

He looked at her from across the room, a fire of contempt burning through him, flashes of her hair on his pillow making him growl.

He clenched his free hand into a fist, trying to take control of the coldness running through his veins.

Her behaviour was unacceptable to him. The way she smiled at her boyfriend, letting him wrap his arm around her like that. Not after….

Fuck her!

How dare she?

How dare she forget. He couldn’t, so why the fuck should she?

Fuck her!

Flashes of her skin on his. He could still feel her whispering his name against his chest.

Had all those months together not meant anything to her?

Caleb moved a strand of hair behind her ear, away from her face.

How dare she let him touch her like that.

How dare she fucking forget!

What they had. What he said. What he felt.

Caleb stroked her cheek, she gave him a smile. He gave her a kiss.

How dare she looked so goddamn gorgeous standing next to that fucking prick.

He could feel his knuckles turning white as he swallowed the urge to stride up to Caleb and punch him in his goddamn prick face.

He growled deeper.

Would Caleb have annoyed him as much if nothing happened between them last year?

Probably, he thought maliciously.

She never did quite understand the magnitude of what he felt for her. Perhaps that’s what her problem was.

Perhaps that’s what was both their problems.

“What’s wrong Jamie?” a voice purred into his ear, shaking him out of his reverie. Something moist followed, tracing his earlobe.

He resisted the urge to flinch as he looked at the blonde sitting on his lap.

Instead of offering an answer, thankful for the distraction, James dipped down, catching her lips on his, in an effort to stop her from talking.

Taking advantage of the lack of light, without breaking their kiss, he traced his free hand down her side, making sure he presses all the right places.

She moaned against his lips. Taking the opportunity to distract himself further, he slid his tongue inside his mouth. He let his hand go to her lap where he so very slowly inched her dress further and further up her thighs.

Her hands moved away from his hair, down to his waist. Smiling coyly against his lips, she started tugging at his shirt.

His fingers discovered her skin, making her moan once more, excitement at him discovering another part of her. Drawing small circles while he climbed further up her leg, he made her moan against him and arch her back.

In doing so, she pressed deeper into him, making him let out a groan. She paused ever so slightly to grin at him with pride, before bowing her head to his neck.

He was finding his clothes unbearably unnecessary and unreasonably restrictive as she battled with his belt buckle. She proceeded to suck on the spot his neck met his shoulder, where she could feel his pulse getting faster and faster.

 

“Sorry to interrupt the romance,” a melodic voice broke through his distraction.

His head snapped towards the intruder. He closed his eyes in anticipation and growled once more at the feeling of her standing in front of him. 

He tried in vain to suppress the inner turmoil within him that was trying to get out.

He breathed in, fixing his mask of nonchalance before he reopened his eyes.

“Evans,” he scowled, freeing his hand from the blonde’s legs and ran it through his hair, never taking his eyes of hers.

“Rachel,” she said curtly to the blonde on his lap in semi-acknowledgement. She smirked at the visible discomfort she seemed to be in. 

“Lily,” came the reproachful reply. She was not thrilled about the interruption, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“What do you want?” asked James, rolling his eyes as Lily took in the situation.

“We have to open the dance floor,” she stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, her eyes snapping back to his.

He stared at her blankly.

“What?” he asked stupidly. She raised an eyebrow.

“We have to dance the first dance to start the ball,” she muttered exasperatedly. She wasn’t exactly thrilled with the idea.

“Why?” he whined. She smiled at him. He glared.

“Because you’re Head Boy,” she snapped, her temper rising.

Why was he behaving like this?

James bent his head low and cursed. There was nothing in the world that he wanted to do less than dance with this creature.

Not after…

He shook his head, wondering for the millionth time why in Merlin’s beard he had been named Head Boy.

Someone was having a cruel joke, he mused.

He should just resign, he thought, not for the first time.

He sighed deeply, standing up abruptly, dropping Rachel to the ground by his feet.

She protested loudly, but he merely looked at her absentmindedly. He muttered an apology while tucking in his shirt. 

He strode to the dance floor without a second word or glance to either of them.

What the fuck was that about? Lily thought as she rolled her eyes at Rachel. She turned her heel to follow James to the dancefloor.

She met him in the middle, where he was waiting for her, the colour of distaste colouring his face.

There was something about him; something odd and different, something she couldn’t quite place.

She pushed the nagging worry away to the back of her mind, dismissing the behaviour as typical, even though she knew better. 

Deep down she knew she was the cause of this behaviour.

She shivered as she remembered his fingers tracing her back. 

"Right," he stated awkwardly, "let's get this over and done with shall me?"

He hoped he sounded better than what he felt. He couldn't stand being so close her. He could feel every single one of his blood cells through his skin.

Breathing steadily, he could feel people watching expectantly, making him place one hand in hers and one on her waist.

Music filled the hall.

It was a soft, melodic sound that brought back memories for both of them. Memories of happiness, want, angst, ecstasy and pain.

Subconsciously he held her tighter at the memories.

"You in a hurry to get away from me James?" she half joked, trying to distract from the electricity she felt from his touch.

He looked at her intensely; deeply. She blushed and looked away.

"Yes," he said simply. Something inside her stung, but she would never admit it.

She looked over his shoulder with a scowl disturbing her otherwise serene features.

"To go back to your slut?" she bit back under her breath.

He looked down at her as she was trying to look away, almost smiling at her obvious jealousy.

Almost.

There was no reason for it.

He didn't want it anymore.

He didn't want anything she had to give him.

He only ever wanted or needed one thing from her, but she had refused.

There was nothing left.

He lifted his gaze over her head, toward the doors.

"No," he said matter-of-factly. She felt her eyes search him. He willed himself to keep his eyes forward; not to look at her.

How long was this song? 

"I want to leave," he added.

Uncomfortable silence followed as they fell into a swaying rhythm. Couples began joining them on the dance floor, surrounding them.

"So," James started, "how's Caleb?" his voice was lazy but he could he feel his heartbeat out of control. Try as he might he couldn't keep the scorn out of his tone.

Her head snapped to him.

"James," she warned, her voice low and menacing.

"Oh come on Evans. You can't possibly tell me I can't ask you that can you? After -", he was pushing her, he knew.

"James!" she snapped at him, stopping his words before they came out, glancing around quickly, making sure that no one had been overhearing them.

His eyes flashed. Was that pain? Anger?

"Still scared aren't you Evans?" he smirked mirthlessly. "Scared people will find out you aren't perfect?"

"I am not!" she told him. "You have no right to mention it! Especially in public! Who the fuck do you think you are?" she snarled at him, still looking around to make sure people were ignoring them.

She missed the lightning flashining in his eyes.

Surprised, she felt him grip her, bringing her closer. She looked at him, his lips in the shape of a smile, but it didn't feel like a smile. It felt...wrong.

"I'll tell you who the fuck I am, Lily," he breathed against her ear, making her shiver.

"I'm the one you fucked for the majority of last year." he grasped her in his arms as they swayed closer.

"I'm the one that wanted you more than life itself. I'm the one you look for when you're alone at night. I'm the only one that truly knows you and the only one that can ever make you fucking whole," his breathing was coming out raspier, sending shivers of emotions and memories from her heart to every inch of skin he was touching.

He pulled away, looking at her straight in the eye. She hadn't realised until now but they had stopped moving. 

He didn't think anyone would notice.

He didn't really care either way.

She opened her mouth to speak.

"I'm the one you broke into a million little pieces without a second fucking thought," he stopped her. 

He'd gone too far. Gave her too much.

She had that effect on him.

"James," she started. 

Something in her voice angered him.

"Don't even fucking think of saying anything Evans," he snarled. "You might have been the first ever woman I ever loved but you're sure as fuck won't be the last." 

The song ended. 

He dropped his hands to his sides.

"Fuck this shit," he muttered, sensing her wanting to say something.

Without another word he turned his heel and stormed out the Hall, a pair of silver eyes watching him closely.

Now what the hell was that all about?

OoOoOoOoO

Lily was left breathing heavily in the middle of the dance floor, couples still moving around her.

She hadn't realised how heightened her senses had become. Being so close to him brought everything crashing back.

Memories of last year flooded over her; the emotions, the touches, the smells, the need, the pain.

She found her throat drying and any attempt to slow down her racing heart proved fruitless.

The need for a drink overcame her as she made her way to the punch, hoping Sirius had already spiked it.

"Hi sweetie," she heard her boyfriend greet her as she arrived.

Perhaps it was the effect James was having on her, but she had to fight the urge to roll her eyes at him.

"Hey," she muttered unenthusiastically. 

"Are you ok?" he asked tentatively, detecting a strange tone in her voice.

He placed an arms around her waist, guiding her to their table.

Instead she swatted it away.

"I want to get some punch," she explained at his quizzical look. 

He smiled at her before bringing his arm back around her. 

"Wouldn't recommend it. Black's spiked it," he tried guiding her to their table once more.

Bingo!

"Perfect," she exclaimed swatting his arm away again.

He looked at her for an explanation that never came. Instead she started moving toward the punch.

"I'll go get some and meet you at our table," she told him.

Apprehensively he watched her, wanting to follow her, before making his way back to their table.

Away from him, Lily allowed herself to roll her eyes at Caleb's inability to trust her in walking from one side of the room to the other without getting lost.

His tentativeness had been sweet at the beginning but it hadn't taken long to feel unnecessary and if she was being frank, annoying.

She was surprised by the harshness in her thoughts, realising for the first time that she had been doing that kind of thing more and more lately.

Judging him.

She sighed.

It wasn't his fault. He was never going to replace him.

She made her way back to Caleb and his friends. Observing him closely as he interacted with the people around him, how he had immediately grabbed her hand when she sat next to him, she struggled to figure out her feelings for him.

He was smart, yes.

He was kind, yes.

He was safe, yes.

But something just didn't fit.

Maybe it was time.

He glanced at her, catching her eye. He smiled at her and a wave of guilt washed over her as she smiled back at him.

She poured content of the glass down her throat.

OoOoOoOoO

He watched him from the shadows, trying to see if he could read him.

He seemed troubled.

Watching the night sky while holding a lit cigarette in one hand, while the other ruffled his hair as if he was trying to shake a memory out of his mind.

"James?" he whispered, not wanting to startle him.

James looked over at him for a moment before returning his gaze back up the the heavens.

The vastness of it always mesmerised him, making him feel small.

It was the only place he felt like he could focus. Somehow knowing how small and insignificant he was in comparison gave him perspective on his own problems.

"Sirius," he greeted simply, taking in a drag from his cigarette.

"That looked intense," he said casually, stepping up to him, taking his cigarette.

He smoked it, waiting for him.

James shot him a calculated look, snatching his cigarette out of Sirius's mouth.

"Wasn't," was all he could say. 

If he said more, he knew that Sirius would know he was lying.

Sirius watched him closely.

"James -," he started slowly.

"Padfoot, please don't," he whispered quietly, trying so hard to keep his voice from breaking.

He looked up, closing his eyes. He took a long final drag from what was left of his cigarette. Finishing it he flicked it over the side of the tower.

He blew out the smoke slowly, enjoying the burning sensation.

He sighed and looked at Sirius again.

"Prongs -," he tried again, worry now more evident in his urgent tone.

"I can't," James cut him off again, "please," he begged him.

Sirius shook his head anxiously defeated.

He looked up at the sky, taking in the stars. He breathed deeply.

"When you're ready," he told him matter-of-factly.

James felt an explosion of love and gratitude towards him.

He smiled at him softly.

"Soon," he told him looking up, "I promise."

A promise given to the universe itself.

Neither of them daring to leave each other, they stayed there, side by side..

Unbroken silence surrounding them comfortably.

Neither of them knew how long they had stayed there for.


	2. Over you - The Spill Canvas

Chapter 2 - All Over You - The Spill Canvas

 

Lily lay in bed alone again.

 

She was avoiding Caleb, who was looking for answers. She really needed so sort out her mind before she could give them to him.

 

Caleb was nice, and sweet, and smart, and…

 

And for some reason she didn't feel it anymore.

 

It wasn't working for her.

 

The distraction wasn't a distraction anymore. He felt more like an annoyance that she needed to deal with.

 

If she was completely honest with herself, he left much to be desired in the bedroom, often leaving her considerably unsatisfied.

 

She whined to the empty room.

 

The bedroom was the place she seemed to need the most distraction. Those times when she was alone with her thoughts and with the memories of  _ him. _

 

She sighed as she looked at the ceiling, knowing that she didn't really have that much experience in that department; what with James being the only other person she had ever slept with.

 

But she doubted Caleb would ever be able to make her feel those same primal feelings.

 

They hadn't been intimate that many times, but she knew the difference between the two.

 

While Caleb tried his best to please her, it seemed he fell short; touching the wrong spot at the wrong time, moaning loudly in her ear when she was trying to concentrate on the sensations.

 

_ He _ had known exactly what to do, where to touch and when.

 

She’d found it hard to believe that he had never done  _ that  _ before. It was as if he could read her mind and her movements.

 

Her skin was starting to catch fire while ripples of lust began making their way between her legs. Slowly, her breath coming out shallow, she started moving her hand in the same direction.

 

“I need to snap out of this,” she told herself, stopping herself.

 

Deciding to splash her face with cold water instead, she got out of bed and made her way to the bathroom.

 

Distractedly she had forgotten it was a shared bathroom. A shared Head’s bathroom. A bathroom she shared with the Head Boy; James Potter.

 

A very, very,  _ very _ wet James Potter.

 

In her defense, she hadn’t seen him in days. Not since the Halloween Ball, three nights ago.

 

And now he was standing in front of her, so very  _ very wet _ , with only a small towel wrapped around his waist.

 

For unending moments all she could do was watch the water glide down him, glistening when it caught the light.

 

“Evans my eyes are up her,” he clicked his fingers at her, snapping her back to a very dry reality.

 

He was grinning at her arrogantly knowing exactly what she was looking at so hungrily.

 

Lily swallowed hard, trying not to lose her cool, glancing enviously one last time at the water droplets making their way down to his towel, before rounding to the sink.

 

“Don’t flatter yourself,” she threw at him, hoping it was enough to cover her arousal.

 

She grabbed her toothbrush and toothpaste, proceeding to brush her teeth vigorously, her eyes never leaving the reflection of his retreating back from the mirror.

 

As he walked out, closing the door behind him, she let herself crumble ever so slightly.

 

She pulled her toothbrush from her mouth, bowing her head and sighing. It came out deep and shaky.

 

Vainly she tried to calm the rapidness of her heart as well as the lightness of her head.

 

She was dizzy.

 

How could someone have so much control over her very being? How could someone affect her so much?

 

How could he look at her with so much anger and turn her on in a way that defied every single one of her senses?

 

James Potter.

 

His power over her scared her. He could make her behave in ways she would never do consciously.

 

She sighed deeply one more time, regaining some sense of control.

 

Raising her head she let out a surprised squeak, when his reflection stared back at her from the mirror.

 

When did he come back in?

 

How long had he been there for?

 

“Don’t do that!” she scowled at him, clutching the sink tighter.

 

After she rinsed her mouth from toothpaste, she did the mistake of turning to face him.

 

He noticed that his chest was still bare, although, she noted with some disappointment, he now wore long black pyjama bottoms. He held his arms behind his back, feigning innocence.

 

Willing herself not to stare at anything below his neck, she tried to focus on his eyes.

 

“Why not?” he smirked down at her.

 

He knew he was making her uncomfortable.

 

He loved it.

 

He knew he was playing with fire.

 

He didn’t care. He wanted to break her.

 

He stepped closer, his smirk widening at her desperation for escape.

 

“Because you scared me to death!” she stammered.

 

Her breathing was coming out in short forced breaths, her eyes unfocused and dilated.

 

Clearly  _ Caleb _ isn’t doing his job properly, he mocked in his mind.

 

“I’d be ok with that,” wanting to sound harsh.

 

He couldn’t explain why his own breath was coming out just as laboured.

 

She frowned, looking slighted.

 

Without any intention to do so, he ducked his head, capturing her lips with his.

 

She gasped against him in surprise, but took no steps to escape.

 

He moved his lips slowly and with purpose over hers, his hands moving ever so softly down her arms, sending bolts of electricity down her spine.

 

He moved closer to her, pressing his body against hers.

 

She could feel that his chest was still a bit damp from his shower.

 

Merlin, she wanted more. 

 

Her eyes closed as he felt him slide his tongue across her bottom lip.

 

Just as she was about to open her mouth to his, he tightened his grip on her arms.

 

In one swift move, he picked her up and moved her to the side, away from the sink where he broke the kiss.

 

With a smile on his face, he left her gaping at him as he went ahead to brush his own teeth.

 

“You could have just asked me to move you know,” she snapped at him, still staring at him aghast.

 

Instead of answering her right away, he continued brushing his teeth as she watched. Her mouth couldn’t be convinced to shut itself.

 

Finished, he turned to her with a devilish grin and fire in his eyes.

 

“I know,” he winked at her as he turned and walked out on her, once more leaving her at loss for words.

 

She stared at the spot he once stood wanting to scream.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

“What the  _ flying fuck  _ was that?” he told himself off.

 

How was  _ that _ a good idea you fucking idiot?

 

Safely behind his bedroom door he let out a trail of obscenities. Obscenities that only got worse after he kicked his bed; something that sent pain shooting up his leg.

 

He had been sure that he was over her!

 

He was damn it!

 

It’s that she was gorgeous.

 

Yes!

 

That’s it!

 

It wasn’t love!

 

It was lust.

 

He knew the feeling well.

 

It’s what drove him to her in the first place.

 

He just needed to be careful.

 

Knowing this feeling well didn’t change anything. It could cost him dearly if he didn’t watch his step.

 

He’d come along way. 

 

He couldn’t afford to go backwards. 

 

He couldn’t do it all again. He might not be as lucky as he had been the first time.

 

He had been fine with hating her. With how she treated him last year, he had the reasons to back up that hatred. 

 

He was easier to hate her than…

 

Whatever he used to feel for her.

 

He just had to be sure to stay away from her that’s all.

 

He sighed deeply, lying on his bed, willing sleep to come over him.

 

“Fucking idiot,” he whispered to no one.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

“Fucking idiot,” she whispered into the dark.

 

Images of a very wet James kept creeping into her mind, driving away sleep.

 

She tried to focus on the ceiling, urging herself to forget how close they had gotten, how he had smelled faintly of vanilla, how he tasted vaguely of cocoa.

 

Her memories flashed to their dance a few nights ago.

 

She felt his arms around her, his breath against her ear.

 

His taste returned back to her mouth.

 

She huffed in the darkness, slamming her clenched fist against her bed beside her.

 

How could someone make her feel  _ all  _ this? She thought to herself, getting hotter and hotter by the second.

 

She moved her hand between her legs, feeling her wetness, cursing James once more.

 

This time she didn’t move her hand, allowing herself to imagine him on top of her; his scent his touch, his lips, his bite.

 

Hopefully with this dealt with, she might be able get some sleep.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

“Lily!” Emma snapped at her once more. She was beginning to find it incredibly annoying, that her best friend kept spacing out every few seconds.

 

Especially when she was trying to talk to her about something.

 

“What?” Lily mumbled in a distracted response, as she glanced towards the Great Hall entrance.

 

She had made her decision the night before.

 

Today was the day.

 

She just hoped she’d be able to go through with it.

 

“Are you even paying attention to me?” Emma went on, her temper beginning to get the better of her.

 

“Of course,” Lily muttered back, still staring at the door.

 

Emma grunted loudly and turned to stare at her food.

 

Lily glanced at her best friend, guilt taking hold of her. She wanted to tell her everything. About James, about Caleb, about last night, about the ball, about last year.

 

She thought about it.

 

Breakfast, in the Great Hall before Transfiguration, was probably not the best idea.

 

Sighing, she swore to tell Emma soon.

 

She sensed him staring at her and she looked back toward the Ravenclaw table.

 

She would have to deal with that was well. Sooner rather than later.

 

She sighed again deeply and made her way toward Caleb, smiling meekly as a sense of dread filled her stomach.

 

James growled, as he watched her approach the Ravenclaw table. Shaking his head, he drove his hand through his hair, trying his damndest to focus on his breakfast.

 

He wasn’t hungry.

 

Sirius watched him closely, before turning his gaze to the direction James was staring in.

 

_ Evans? _

 

He raised an inquisitive eyebrow, watching him closer.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

Lily made her way back to Emma, unable to stop herself from looking over at James, who seemed angry at his breakfast.

 

Why was he glaring at his toast?

 

Was he ok?

 

She shook her head.

 

She didn’t care, she reminded herself.

 

You just need to stay away from him, that’s all, she told told herself. For your own sanity, if not for anything else.

 

She sat next to Emma and her eyes wandered back to James, who seemed to be smirking now for some reason.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

Must be shitty company, he smirked to himself, as he watched her walk back to Emma.

 

He felt peckish suddenly.

 

Sirius, never one to skip a beat, missed nothing.

 

“Hey, Prongs, since when does Evans stare at you?” he asked nonchalantly, stuffing some pancakes in his mouth.

 

He almost spat out his food trying not to laugh with how quickly James’s head had snapped in her direction.

 

“Since last night,” he grinned broadly as he winked at her, causing her to blush and look away.

 

 _What the fuck?_ Was the joint thought that came from Sirius, Remus and Peter, surprise making them mute.

 

“Want to expand on that mate?” Remus quipped, recovering the fastest and unable to keep his curiosity at bay.

 

“Not presently,” his eyes glinted. He knew he would tell them, he just wanted to enjoy this a bit more.

 

It had been a long time since he had felt this mischievous.

 

“Oh, come on Prongs,” Peter hissed, “ you can’t say something like that and then just drop the subject.”

 

James rolled his eyes at him. Peter, ever the drama queen.

 

“Ok, ok, fine,” he surrendered, “ she walked in on me while I was coming out of the shower last night,” he refused to look at them.

 

He was feeling hot.

 

“What? Speak up James. I thought you said that Lily Evans walked in you coming out of the shower,” Remus repeated mockingly.

 

James threw him a glare.

 

“Well that would explain it.” Sirius exclaimed. “Anyone would be traumatised if they saw that.”

 

James threw him a glare too.

 

She of all people should be used to it, he thought with a smug grin.

 

“And for what reason pray tell, do you have that ridiculous smirk on your face?” Remus whispered out of earshot, unnoticed by Sirius and Peter who discussing the upcoming Quidditch match.

 

James grinned at him further.

 

“Not today Moony. Maybe another time, but not today,” he promised him sincerely, as he glanced at the end of the table, where Lily had been sitting.

 

She was gone.

 

He could still feel her.

 

He was unnerved by the realisation. 

 

_ I just need to stay away.  _

 

Piece of cake.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

Lily found herself in Transfiguration, unable to concentrate on what her professor was saying.

 

She knew she was going to get in trouble.

 

She shook her head for the hundredth time since she had entered the class, trying to focus on the words Professor McGonagall was uttering.

 

Something about Human Transfiguration.

 

A wet James appeared in her mind again in a flash. Despite her want for him to disappear, her desire to be one of those drops of water racing down his body towards his towel, was much, much greater.

 

She sighed at the thought, knowing he wouldn’t really mind. He loved everything to do with water.

 

Biting her lip for a moment, she allowed herself a glance at him.

 

He sat across the room with Peter, Remus and Sirius. 

 

He looked down at his parchment intently, concentrating on something she couldn’t see. There seemed to be something on his mind.

 

She wondered what he was thinking about, before shaking her head vigorously, reminding herself that she really didn’t care.

 

Resigning herself, she was just going to have to accept that today’s lesson was not one that could capture her attention as well as the naked and wet body of a James Potter. 

 

She sighed, rolling her head back to face the ceiling.

 

This time, her thoughts drifted to Caleb, guilt welling up in the pit of her stomach.

 

She gave a sideways glance in his general direction, without moving her head, mildly surprised to notice that he had not come to class.

 

She felt the guilt within her, even though she knew she had to do it. It was not fair on him to be stuck in a relationship when she no longer felt anything for him.

 

Not to mention how rattled James made her, she sighed again, deeper.

 

She had no one now. No Caleb. No James. 

 

She could now wallow in self pity.

 

Part of her was regretting the decision already.

 

It had nothing to do with her feelings with Caleb.

 

She wasn’t very good at being alone. 

 

It had to do with the way James made her feel.

 

Mostly.

 

Despite it all, Caleb had been the perfect distraction for quite some time.

 

With that gone, she had to resign herself to flashes of naked flesh at all inconvenient hours of the day. If she was being completely frank, it was driving her  _ fucking  _ crazy!

 

_ Sweet misery _ , her mind mocked her.

 

How was it even possible for him to effect her that much? Still! After all this time? She closed her eyes facing the ceiling once more, her breath coming out harder.

 

_ Because he was your first,  _ her mind stated matter-of-factly,  _ You never get over your first. _

 

Shut up, she whispered under her breath, trying to quiet the voices in her head.

 

_ And you know you love the fact that you were his first,  _ her mind giggled at her.

 

Shut up, she breathed silently.

 

_ You know he was right at the Ball,  _ he mind told her, flashing a reminder.

 

_ “I’m the one you look for when you’re alone at night”  _ his voice breathed in her head _ , “I’m the only one that can ever make you fucking whole.”  _

 

“Shut up!” she snapped, opening her eyes at the realisation that the words had actually escaped her mouth. 

 

Out loud. 

 

In Class.

 

Transfiguration Class.

 

Professor McGonagall’s Transfiguration Class.

 

Silence followed as everyone stared at her. Professor McGonagall raised a very controlled eyebrow, excruciatingly slowly.

 

“Excuse me, Miss Evans?” she asked cautiously.

 

Eyes darted between the two expectantly.

 

Only one set of eyes was transfixed on her without moving.

 

She could feel them boring into her.

 

She begged her own not to travel to his. She knew that if she looked in his direction, it would be the end of her.

 

Instead, she focused her gaze on the professor, willing herself to look as embarrassed as she felt.

 

"Miss Evans," Professor McGonagall's voice came out in a drawl, "did you or did you not ask me to shut up?" she asked pointedly.

 

Lily remained silent, wishing the ground would hurry up and swallow her.

 

Suffocating silence remained instead, as the professor sighed disappointedly.

 

"Detention, Miss Evans," she informed her casually, "for impudence and not paying attention in my lesson," she ended.

 

Lily was about to apologise, but Professor McGonagall had already turned away from her to write their assignment on the blackboard.

 

She wondered why the professor might have shot a meaningful glance at James before doing so, even though something inside her convinced her, that she probably didn't want to know.

 

Without realising it, she did what she had struggled against doing. She glanced at him.

 

The impact was instantaneous.

 

It felt like being hit by lightning.

 

His eyes sank into hers and she could feel heat rising up inside her. She could hear herself trying to convince herself to look away from the dark hazel eyes staring back at her.

 

She could see the smirk playing on his lips but she couldn't pull herself away from his eyes. There was something in them, something that made her forget what or how to think.

 

Something that filled her with dread and excitement at the same time.

 

"Lily!" she heard Emma hiss at her.

 

She saw Sirius had hissed at James as well, at the same time and she smiled smugly at his his annoyance.

 

She effected him.

 

She saw Emma watch her expectantly.

 

"What?" she asked finally, when the questions never came.

 

"What the fuck was  _ that?"  _ came the strangled whisper from Emma.

 

"What was what?" she replied stupidly. 

 

She knew what Emma meant, she just didn't actually know how to answer.

 

"Not paying attention in class? Staring at James?  _ That,  _ Evans. What was  _ that _ !?" Emma threw her head in his direction for emphasis.

 

Lily almost rolled her eyes at her friend's irritability. It was to be expected of course, but did she have to be so obvious about it?

 

"Nothing. I just didn't sleep very well last night," she half lied weakly. 

 

In her defense, it wasn't entirely a lie; no matter what she had tried, images of James never eased away, pushing sleep further and further away.

 

"And the staring?" Emma demanded.

 

"I wasn't staring," the lie came out before she could stop it, "I swear!"

 

"Whatever Lily. When you decide that you want to tell me what's really going on, you know where to find me," Emma's words hit her hard, cold and detached, just as class had been dismissed.

 

Emma gathered her things quickly and went out the door, without another word.

 

Just as Lily was doing the same, she heard the words she hadn't heard in almost a year, making her blood run cold.

 

"Miss Evans, Mr. Potter, please stay behind to discuss your detentions," professor McGonagall's voice came out strictly.

 

James, almost out the door, cursed under his breath, before turning to her with a smile plastered on her face.

 

"Of course, Professor," the words came through his clenched teeth.

 

Lily had to make a double take in his direction.

 

When had he managed to get into detention?

 

Professor McGonagall must have noticed her perplexed look.

 

"Yes, Miss Evans, you will be having detention with Mr. Potter. Apparently my lesson isn't as important as whatever is going on in your own little world, for  _ both  _ my Head Students to be daydreaming in my class," she huffed.

 

"I must say, that I am so very disappointed in the two of you. Not only are you in your final year here, not only are you both Gryffindors, but you are also the Head Students of this school. This makes you the primary role models of the school and the first two our younger students look to for guidance."

 

She looked at them sternly.

 

"Actions have consequences."

 

Lily needed to get away. 

 

She was drowning next to him.

 

"And what would our consequences be professor?" she asked tentatively. 

 

Her proximity to James was making her come undone. It seemed like her senses were seeking him out, making it harder for her to breath.

 

The professor looked at her carefully, as if to measure her intentions.

 

"You will be at the Trophy Room," she stated, "8pm sharp." 

 

They waited for any further information.

 

She continued to clean up her desk for a few more moments before she realised they were still there.

 

She waved her hand exasperatedly.

 

"Dismissed," was all she said, before she continued about her business.

 

They turned their respective heels, without a single glance at each other, and made their way out the door.

 

Having separate classes, they went different directions, relieved to be rid of each others presence.

  
  
  
  
  



	3. Help - Papa Roach

Chapter 3: Help - Papa Roach

 

James tried to put as much distance between himself and Lily, as quickly as possible. 

 

The woman drove him crazy and she didn’t even know it. She didn’t have to do a single thing besides glance at him and he lost his fucking mind!

 

Rounding a corner and making sure he was alone, he slammed the side of his fist on side of the wall, swearing loudly.

 

He paused to take a few steadying breaths, before continuing down the corridor to his Herbology class.

 

Why had he been thinking about her again anyway?

 

Didn’t he make the decision that he would never be doing that again?

 

That he wouldn’t go anywhere near her again?

 

_ Easier said than done _ , a little voice in his head piped up.

 

Shut up! He demanded of it. Now was not the time for this.

 

_ You know I’m right. _

 

Don’t.

 

_ She’ll always haunt you. _

 

Please.

 

_ You’ll always seek her out. _

 

“Shut up,” he breathed to himself. He could feel pressure building inside him. He clenched his hands until his knuckles turned white.

 

_ Sure. As long as you tell me I’m wrong,  _ the voice said knowingly.

 

“You’re wrong. Now shut the fuck up,” he demanded from his mind.

 

_ Now, now, Jamie. You don’t really believe that do you?  _ The little voice was turning into something else.

 

A dark twisting began in the pit of his stomach.

 

No. He didn’t believe it; just like he didn’t believe his words to her when he held her so  _ fucking  _ close during their dance.

 

“ _ You sure as hell won’t be my last,” _ his words flashed in his mind’s eye, and he knew he had lost the battle with himself.

 

_ Don’t worry Jamie. There are plenty of ways to distract yourself. You remember, don’t you? _

 

James stopped walking, to lean on the corridor wall.

 

His breathing was becoming shallow, he was sweating as the blood in his veins was turning to ice. He knew his reactions had nothing to do with thoughts of Lily anymore.

 

_ An escape from this? _

 

He was shaking. 

 

He closed his eyes, trying to stop the flashes of red on white from reappearing.

 

Taking control of his breathing, he struggled to shut the images away. Shut them away in the back of his mind, where they belonged.

 

“No!” he declared to noone.

 

He refused to go back.

 

That would be a promise he’d been trying his damnedest not to break. 

 

He swore one last time, before continuing down the corridor to his lesson.

 

Reaching the final corridor to his destination, he spotted Sirius leaning against the wall smoking.

 

Had he been waiting for him?

 

He shook his head one last time, in an effort to rid his mind of the images that had started becoming more and more frequent as of late.

 

He approached his best friend, who seemed to be in his own little world.

 

Leaning on the wall next to him, James snatched the cigarette from his mouth, successfully snapping him out of his reverie.

 

“Oi!” he protested loudly.

 

James sniggered.

 

“What have I told you about smoking in the corridors?” James asked him lazily, as he took the last drag of the cigarette.

 

He extinguished it on the wall, much to the dismay of Sirius. He placed the extinguished butt in his pocket, to throw away when he got back.

 

“Don’t get caught,” he scoffed, pushing himself off the wall in the direction of their class.

 

“Exactly!” he told him smugly with a smirk, following him.

 

There were a few moments of silence as they continued on their path.

 

“James?” Sirius asked quietly.

 

The raven-haired boy looked at his friend comically raising an eyebrow.

 

“Sirius?” he mimicked, causing Sirius to roll his eyes.

 

Sirius seemed resolute. He took a deep breath.

 

“What’s going on with Evans?" he blurted out.

 

It was James’ turn to roll his eyes. Sirius was never one to beat around the bush.

 

Mentally, he willed his legs to move faster.

 

“Nothing. I told you already,” instead of going faster, it seemed like his legs had decided to do the opposite of what he asked for; they were slowing down.

 

Sirius stopped, looking at him intently.

 

“You promised,” he reminded him. He looked worried.

 

James stopped and turned to face his best friend.

 

“Sirius -,” he started. Sirius knew that tone.

 

“James you promised,” he pleaded, cutting him off.

 

Silver eyes met hazel, James silently pleading with him not to do this. Not now.

 

“I think I’ve been quite patient James. Now speak,” he was beginning to lose his temper, his Black blood starting to take over steadily.

 

He hated people keeping things from him.

 

Especially James.

 

Especially after last year.

 

Subconsciously, he glanced over his friend wondering and hoping for promises kept.

 

“I - I don’t think I can do that Pad-,” he began replying meekly, breaking eye contact.

 

He made an effort to continue to class.

 

In an instant, Sirius had yanked him against the wall, while securing a growling position in front of him, hindering any chance for an exit.

 

James looked at him, startled. He realised that the moment he had been dreading the most was fast approaching. He seemed to resign at the force.

 

“No. Not this time,” he cut him off. “I’ve been watching. Something’s up. You’re spiralling and I’m worried. About what that means. About you. You won’t talk to anyone about it. You’re not eating again. You clearly haven’t been sleeping again. You’re not focusing in class,” he blurted out.

 

James was struck by the sheer amount of anxiety emanating from him.

 

Had he caused this to his best friend?

 

“It’s getting to feel a lot like last year all over again, and I just want to-,”

 

This time it was James’ turn to interrupt him.

 

“It’s not!” he exclaimed quickly, “It’s not,” he repeated, hoping to sound reassuring.

 

To be entirely truthful, he was struggling. 

 

Not like he had been last year.

 

But it still hadn’t been easy.

 

“Convince me,” came Sirius’ retort.

 

He always could read him better than anyone. 

 

“Fucking speak! Because if it is and you won’t tell me here and now, then your promise means jack shit and you’re on your own.” he threatened, his hands on James’ collar.

 

Sirius hoped he was a much better liar than James.

 

Defeated, James shoved Sirius’ hands off him before sinking to ground, mumbling something under his breath on the way down.

 

He brought his hands to his face.

 

Sirius stared at him bewildered and confused.

 

“What?” he hadn’t understood a word he said.

 

He sunk to the floor beside him.

 

Sighing in defeat, James took in a large breath, preparing to speak. Face in his hands, avoiding all eye contact from Sirius, he tried to repeat himself.

 

“I-I..” he stammered. He didn’t think he could say it again.

 

_ Like a band-aid, _ he thought. 

 

One breath, one sentence.

 

One life altering sentence.

 

“I slept with her,” he breathed out quickly.

 

He waited for the gasp, the shock. Something.

 

Nothing came.

 

He looked up at his best friend, who was staring right back him.

 

He erupted into laughter. 

 

“You cannot possibly think I would believe that, do you?” he laughed again.

 

Something tugged at him. Why wasn’t James laughing?

 

Why was he just watching him?

 

“Well I’m glad you found it that amusing,” he snapped. He moved to push himself up from the floor.

 

He didn’t think it was  _ that  _ unbelievable. Or funny, for that matter.

 

Sirius sobered up, grabbing his arm, keeping him close.

 

“You mean you’re serious?” genuinely unable to find any other words for the situation.

 

James just snapped back his arm, crossing them both over his chest, growling.

 

“When?” he asked in disbelief.

 

James almost smiled. Sirius wasn’t often caught off guard, but when he was, it was definitely worth it.

 

“Most of last year,” he said instead.

 

He closed his eyes, leaning his head against the wall behind him, enjoying the sense of freedom from this particular secret.

 

“And you’re telling me this now!? “ he exclaimed enraged.

 

James was about to tell him that no one knew, besides himself and Lily.

 

He felt Sirius freeze.

 

James knew what was coming. He took out a fresh cigarette, lighting it in preparation for what was to come. He waited patiently for Sirius to find the words.

 

“Wait...does that mean that she was your…” he trailed off as if lost in thought.

 

“Yes she was my….” he imitated, breathing out the smoke.

 

He passed the cigarette to Sirius, who took it gladly. The news seemed to be hitting him quite hard.

 

James closed his eyes again. A wave of relief was washing over him. Even if he couldn't tell his best friend everything, he could let him in on this, and it might just be the best move to keep his inner demons at bay. 

 

At least for a little while.

 

He was starting to relax; a sensation he hadn’t felt in a very long time.

 

He lit another cigarette for himself.

 

“And you were her….?” Sirius seemed to be reeling slightly. He couldn’t finish his sentences.

 

“And yes I was her….” he imitated again lazily, his eyes remaining shut, letting the memories of her wash over him once more.

 

“Heavy,” was the only response Sirius could muster. He looked at James closely. “Things still looked pretty intense between the two of you, man. What happened?”

 

This time he didn’t push. He knew James would continue without prompt.

 

“Nothing happened,” he tried not to sound bitter. 

 

“We hooked up around Halloween, for like six months. I wanted more. She didn’t. I seemed to have read too much into what we meant to each other. She broke it off. Started dating  _ Caleb _ a few days later. That was it. The end.” 

 

He took a final, long drag from his cigarette. He hoped Sirius hadn't seen his hand tremble.

 

Sirius flinched at his tone, feeling the pain within him. 

 

_ Bitch!  _ He screamed at her in his mind.

 

He watched him closer than ever, feeling him tense up under his gaze. He looked at him, wishing he could take the pain away from him.

 

Why hadn’t he mentioned anything before? If he was in so much pain, why had he never reached out? How could he call himself his best friend and not know any of this?

 

Wait….

 

Six months? From Halloween?

 

“James,” he could feel his voice break as he watched a tear slide down his best friend’s cheek, “is that why -,” he couldn’t finish the sentence.

 

James nodded ever so subtly. Blink and he would have missed it.

 

“Timeline definitely checks out,” was all he could confirm. He couldn’t deny it. Not to Sirius. Not now. It wasn’t the only reason, but he couldn’t deny the role she had played.

 

The role she still played.

 

He never really had the courage to give him a reason. Even when Sirius had been the one to find him. To save him.

 

“Sirius,” James started slowly, finally looking at him. The pain he saw in those hazel eyes was enough to break his heart.

 

He choked.

 

“Sirius,” he tried again, “I’m so sor-,”

 

“Don’t be. Don’t ever be,” he cut him off. 

 

He placed his hand purposely on James’ forearm.

 

“Just keep your promise,” he smiled at him sadly. 

 

He hoped he was saying all the right things. He hoped he could show his best friend that he was here for him. He hoped that he would be able to be there for him when he would come through the other side.

 

He hoped.

 

“I am,” he said taking a shaky break.

 

“I mean, I’m really really trying. And I know you want more from me, but it’s the best I’ve got right now,” he spoke honestly.

 

Sirius was struck by how James seemed to be growing smaller and smaller before him, making him want to protect him more than anything.

 

“I’ll take it," he smiled encouragingly.

 

“Just know one thing,” Sirius paused, making sure that James would take in every word, “I’m here. Always.”

 

James smiled gratefully at him.

 

“Thank you,” was all he could say.

 

He wanted to say more. So much more.

 

Something to show him  _ how  _ thankful he was for him. For everything he’s done for him.

 

He wouldn’t be here if it hadn’t been for Sirius. He knew it and so did Sirius.

 

They sat in silence for a few more moments.

 

“We’ve missed most of class,” Sirius said thoughtfully, earning an earnest chuckle from James.

 

“That is a bummer,” he smiled.

 

Neither of them made any attempt to move, content in their own two person world.

 


	4. You're So Last Summer - Taking Back Sunday

Chapter 4: You’re so Last Summer - Taking Back Sunday

 

Arriving at the Trophy Room that night, at 8pm sharp, Lily and James met Professor McGonagall who greeted them curtly.

 

"Miss Evans, Mr. Potter," she started. "You are to clean the trophies located in this room. You are not to use magic and you are to return to your dorms at 10," she paused momentarily.

 

"Can I trust that my Head Students will not break any of these rules?" she raised an eyebrow at them.

 

"Yes, professor," Lily replied quietly.

 

"Not my first detention professor," James replied at the same time, giving her a wink. "I didn't even bring my wand," he added with a smile.

 

She eyed him carefully, sighing deeply, while extending an open hand in Lily's direction.

 

"You may pass by my office to pick it up when you are done," she informed her as Lily handed her her wand. 

 

They looked at her in surprise.

 

"That is correct," she answered the unspoken question. "I am placing my trust in you. There will be no teacher coming to inspect you. I do not believe that our Head Students need the supervision, and frankly I have much more important things to do than watch the two of you clean trophies."

 

She paused, letting it all sink in.

 

"I will remind you, that I now have Miss Evans's wand in my possession. Your behaviour and your work, will determine when it will be returned. Any questions?" She paused one last time, to give them the opportunity to ask them.

 

Lily was apprehensive, worried about when she would be seeing her wand again.

 

James nodded, charmingly smiling at the professor.

 

"Very well then," she flicked her wand as she spoke, making two buckets appear in front of them. 

 

"You may use these, keeping in mind that they will disappear at 10pm sharp." 

 

She looked at them, sullenly.

 

"Don't disappoint me and don't make me regret putting my trust in you."

 

With that, she strode out the door.

 

Picking up a bucket each, they moved as far away from each other as possible, quietly aware that this had been a similar situation they had found themselves in often last year.

 

They proceeded in silence, trying in vain to focus on the task at hand, each unable to keep the thought of the other from entering their mind.

 

Lily watched James slyly, from the corner of her eyes. He looked truly focused on shining what looked like, a trophy that was more rust than metal.

 

She tried to think of a way to make the situation less awkward.

 

_ Just let it be _ , she thought to herself as she picked up another trophy.

 

But she couldn't.

 

Something inside her wanted to make everything right .

 

She thought back to the night she had ended their.. relationship?

 

She was unsure of what to call it.

 

It had become something much more than what she intended; a distraction. It had become something much, much, more than that.

 

His words had scared her. 

 

She froze, shattering the illusion she had built inside her mind; that he was only there for one reason.

 

The agreement they had had been simple.

 

It was only going to be physical. 

 

She had desperately needed a distraction. From her mother's illness. From her sister's hate. From her loneliness. From the voices telling her she had deserved it all. That is was all because of her.

 

It was never supposed to be any more than that.

 

Why did he have to change the rules?

 

She sighed, picking up another trophy.

 

Why did she have to push him away?

 

She had truly believed, deep inside her, that finding a new distraction, would make everything better. 

 

Everything would go back to normal. 

 

That she would be able to continue distracting herself, until the voices couldn't get to her any more.

 

She had been wrong.

 

She hadn't seen him after that. Exams had begun and although they had most classes together, he hadn't been there. 

 

Summer severed any connection she had to him.

 

The distance helped.

 

She heard Sirius had ran away from home and that he had moved in with him. She wondered at the reasons briefly, but pushed it out of her thoughts.

 

Sirius had had a rough time at home, she knew this from Emma.

 

Maybe the topic of Sirius, was a safe one to discuss?

 

She looked over at him across the room, only to see him glaring at the trophy he was scrubbing vigorously.

 

She smiled at him.

 

As if sensing her eyes on him, he looked up at her.

 

His glare deepened, sparking a shot of ice in the pit of her stomach.

 

She looked away quickly, picking up another trophy to clean.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

He watched her, resentment spreading within.

 

Why was she watching him again?

 

Had she not done enough to him? 

 

His talk with Sirius earlier, had brought back all that happened between them.

 

Not that he had forgotten really; he had just sugar coated his memories to dull the ache.

 

He had forgotten how his heart fluttered in the morning beside her. He had forgotten her secret smile and the way she had traced her fingers down his chest absentmindedly. He had forgotten the furtive glances they shot each other, away from everyone's gazes and the hidden world they had created, where no one else existed and she was his.

 

Only his.

 

He had forgotten, the way his heart seemed to have stopped, before everything came crashing down around him into nothing, when she rejected him.

 

He'd shown her his true self and everything that he was.

 

And she just walked away from him, rejecting it all.

 

Not only, he thought miserably.

 

She had consumed him, broken him, left him, replaced him and she still wouldn't let him go.

 

He was starting to shake.

 

He stopped cleaning to take in a controlled breath.

 

The scars still felt wide open, every time he glanced at her. Her eyes, looking back at him felt like she was pouring salt all over them.

 

Tonight it all felt so raw.

 

It felt exactly like it did when she first broke him.

 

Darkness was creeping into the corners of his mind, quickening his pulse.

 

No, he thought unconvincing, his defenses compromised.

 

_ You know Jamsie,  _ the darkness whispered to him softly,  _ you're not looking so great. _

 

His hands felt clammy and cold as he struggled to breath.

 

_ How about your favourite distraction to relieve some of the pressure? It helps. You know it helps. _

 

James couldn't explain it but he felt the darkness smiling a twisted smile, as it slithered over his scars.

 

Flashes of red on white filled his mind once more.

 

Something crashed at his feet.

 

His eyes tried to focus on the trophy on the floor, making him swear.

 

"James?" her voice rang through him.

 

"I'm fine!" he snapped at her.

 

He wasn't.

 

He needed to leave. 

 

He needed to go...anywhere.

 

Anywhere but here.

 

The darkness within him, was starting to take over and all he wanted to do in that moment, was surrender to it.

 

Just one last time.

 

What harm would it do?

 

_ Fuck! I need to get to Sirius,  _ he thought urgently.

 

He thought of picking up the trophy, but someone else had already done it.

 

Lily was watching him closely.

 

Was that worry?

 

Resentment flared.

 

"James-," she started to question.

 

"I said I was fine," he growled at her.

 

Why was she so fucking close?

 

He stepped away from her, trying to think of how he could get to Sirius, before he came utterly undone.

 

"James, I -," she started again, trying to reach him.

 

"Leave me alone, Evans," he told her, turning his back to her.

 

He could always just leave right? 

 

There wouldn't be an inspection anyway.

 

They barely cared, leaving them here, alone, with no supervision.

 

"What are you doing?" she demanded quickly, as she watched him walk toward the door.

 

"I’m getting the fuck away from you, what does it look like I'm doing?" he threw at her without looking back.

 

"You can't do that!," she yelled after him. "We have to clean the trophies or I won't get my wand back."

 

"So?" he sneered, "that's not my problem." 

 

"James," she begged him, "don't be a pri-,"

 

In an instant he was there, standing in front of her, anger seeping from every pore of his body.

 

"Don't be a what, exactly, Evans?" the fury in his low voice made her blood run cold. "Say it," he dared her.

 

They stood there, facing each other, for what felt like an eternity.

 

_ Sirius. Now!  _ His mind screamed at him.

 

"Fuck this shit," he didn't have time for this.

 

Without a word, he pulled out his want from inside his back pocket, where he had hidden it under his shirt.

 

Never taking his eyes off hers, he waved it. 

 

There! The trophies had been cleaned.

 

Glaring at her one last time, he walked out the room.

 

Lily stared at the spot he had been standing in, frozen.

 

There had been so much pain in his eyes. So much hate.

 

Had she done that to him?

 

If not her, then what?

 

She needed to know.

 

To apologise.

 

To make it...better?

 

She went after him.

 

She rounded the corridor, cursing her short legs. 

 

To her surprise, he hadn't gotten very far.

 

She saw him leaning his arm against the wall breathing hard.

 

He turned at the sound of her approach.

 

He seemed pale. In his eyes she saw anger quickly replace fear.

 

"Fuck off and stalk someone else Evans," he spat at her, trying to convince himself to move away from her.

 

"You can't do that!" she snapped at him as she caught up with him.

 

He shot her a look.

 

"We both know that's not true," he said, referring to their intimate detentions from last year.

 

He almost smiled when he caught her blush.

 

"Nice to know you haven't forgotten everything," he muttered darkly, taking her by surprise.

 

"James-," she tried to tell him that she hadn't forgotten anything. 

 

That she couldn't. 

 

He stopped walking and rounded on her.

 

"What! What could you possibly want Evans?" he was losing it, she needed to get the hell away from him. 

 

"Just leave me the fuck alone. Have you not done enough? You're fucking poison and I'm fucking done! I don't want to play this game with you anymore. I can't."

 

He was breathing hard. 

 

He was losing his grip; on the verge of breaking, all over again.

 

He needed to get away from her.

 

He needed to escape everything.

 

He needed to fall into the darkness.

 

She studied him. His hair was a mess, his cheeks were pale, his bottom lip was trembling and his eyes…

 

His hazel eyes seemed to contain a storm of emotions that bore into her.

 

Words failing her, she did the one thing she had been trying not to do all night.

 

She pushed him against the corridor wall, grabbed his collar and drove her lips to hers.

 

Her mind was no longer in control.

 

She kissed his mouth with intensity, as she pressed herself up against him, wanting him; wanting him to want her.

 

The darkness inside him cracked, his mind splintering.

 

Any hesitation was lost the moment their tongues met.

 

He pulled away from her, searching, before switching her place with his, meeting her lips with fervour.

 

He drove her to the wall, pressing up against her. He breathed her in deeply, losing every part of him. 

 

He couldn't hold it back anymore.

 

The want.

 

The need.

 

Being so close to her was so stupid and so dangerous.

 

He knew that.

 

He should…

 

She sighed against his lips.

 

His thoughts disappeared. 

 

His instincts focused on her.

 

Only her.

 

Without a thought, he leaned down, picked her up and wrapped her legs around his waist. 

 

He pressed her harder against the wall, wanting her to know what she did to him. Wanting her to know how he felt.

 

She drove her hands to his hair, grabbing him in her hands to bring him closer.

 

This was like their first time together. 

 

Pure need.

 

A need to feel something. A need to be wanted. A need to think about anything that wasn't pain.

 

Except it was different. 

 

They were searching each other for something.

 

His hands moved up, gripping tighter, not wanting to let go. She moaned, arching her back to him.

 

Her hand moved down his back, carving him as she went. It reached the small of his back where she pressed her nails into him, pulling at his clothes.

 

He thrust into her, making her feel him between her legs.

 

_ Merlin, she wanted him. _

 

She moaned against him, thrusting her chest to him in response.

 

He released one of his hands from her thighs bringing it up to her hair. He grasped her hair tugging it enough to make her expose her neck to him.

 

He broke their kiss and brought his lips to it, breathing, sucking, biting along it, marking a trail down her.

 

Her hand found skin. 

 

She wanted to leave her markings on him. She wanted him to know. She wanted to tell him what was in her soul.

 

He groaned against her, making her shiver in pleasure. She wrapped her legs tighter, driving him further to her, enjoying the reaction she was having on him.

 

He felt like he could taste her essence.

 

He never wanted anything or anyone like this before. 

 

He could feel her need for him.

 

His hand moved higher, feeling her trembling in his grasp.

 

"James," she breathed into his ear, her voice not hers. It was a voice that had been obscured by desire and need.

 

He came crashing back to reality.

 

He took his lips off her neck to look at her, pouring all his emotions into her.

 

She looked beautiful, with her hair a mess, her pupils dilated, filled with burning hunger, her lips bruised, deep red, from his.

 

He placed her softly back on the floor, his hands finding her face. 

 

He kissed her deeply on the lips once more, before pulling away from her.

 

He traced a thumb over them, as if taking a picture of her image in this moment.

 

"Please, Lily," his voice begged her, broken. 

 

"Please," he repeated, closing his eyes, "Just leave me alone."

 

He stepped back, wanting to go straight back to her. Pain and anguish painting his features, she watched his eyes flutter open, something new behind them.

 

He watched her breathing hard, eyes questioning him.

 

He couldn't give her the answers she wanted.

 

He could feel himself shake, his defenses failing him once again. 

 

He turned around.

 

Embracing the darkness, he walked away from her.


	5. Loser - Falling in Reverse

  1. Loser - Falling in Reverse 



 

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!” James muttered with every step he took, as he moved swiftly through the corridors towards the Gryffindor Tower. His hands clenched tightly into fists, clothes dishevelled and eyes stinging with suppressed emotion.

 

_ James, _ her moan echoed through him.

 

He let out a deep growl.

 

“FUCK!” he shouted to no one, as he punched the stone wall, ignoring the pain shooting through his arm.

 

He paused for a few seconds, looking up the stairs that would lead him to Sirius, before turning his heel, heading to his own room in the Head Student’s chambers.

 

Bursting through the door, he picked up a small gilded silver mirror and walked straight back out.

He needed to be somewhere he couldn’t smell her, where he couldn’t sense her; somewhere she’d never been.

 

He was aware he was entering dangerous territory. He just needed to let go. Just a little bit; he was just so fucking tired.

 

He knew he was inviting the same darkness in, but he swore this time it wouldn’t win. If it got too close, he had Sirius. 

 

He wasn’t breaking his promise.

 

He just needed some time.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

"Emma," Lily tugged her friend again, trying desperately to wake her up.

 

Giving up on subtlety, Lily climbed into her friend's bed and closing the curtains, muttering a silencing spell.

 

"Emma!" she shouted loudly.

 

Emma's eyes fluttered open, her half sleeping state making it difficult for her to focus on Lily.

 

Slowly she took in her friend's dishevelled look, her tear stained cheeks and her bloodshot eyes.

 

"Lily?", she asked, worry building inside her.

 

"It's ok," she whispered softly, "I put a silencing spell on the curtains."

 

There was something wrong with her smile.

 

"Lily what's wrong?" Emma asked her, sitting up and grabbing her hand.

 

A tear appeared in the eyes as she pulled her hand away to move a strand of hair that had fallen into her eye.

 

"James - I -," she stopped. She didn't know where to start from. She shivered as she took a shaky breath.

 

"What did that little shit do this time?" she growled dangerously.

 

Lily shook her head vigorously.

 

"No! He didn't do anything! I-" she said quickly, stopping herself once more. 

 

Emma raised an eyebrow, watching her closely as she tried to find the words.

 

There was something hiding behind those emerald eyes. It wasn’t the first time she had seen it. It sent a shiver down her spine.

 

“Lily,” she questioned hesitantly, slowly retaking her hand.

 

Lily’s response, was to take her friends hand in her hands and look her straight in her eyes. She took a deep breath.

 

“I know I’ve been detached and a really really shitty friend lately,” she started. 

 

Emma began to protest, but Lily held up her hand to stop her.

 

“Don’t. We both know that it’s true.” she smiled at her softly. “But I’m ready now. I promise. I’ll answer anything you want to know.”

 

Emma stared at her quietly weighing her words. Did they have anything to do with what had happened earlier that day?

 

If it did, she would have to make sure that she was patient with her. She knew from experience that Lily wasn’t the best at this kind of thing.

 

“Why are you crying?” she asked, thinking that the question would be the easiest one to answer.

 

“I kissed him,” Lily whispered as if she didn’t believe it herself. Looking away she remembered him pressing her up against the wall, biting her neck.

 

She wiped away a tear with the back of her hand.

 

“He kissed me back,” she smiled at no one. She fell to the bed, shuddering.

 

“He told me -,” she stopped herself, “ no, he begged me to leave him alone,” she took in a deep breath, “then he just walked away.”

 

Looking up at her friend, Lily sighed, feeling her own heart breaking.

 

“Bastard,” Emma muttered. Lily tightened her grip on her hand.

 

“No,” she whispered, surprising her. “No, Emma. He’s right. I’m poison,” she muttered sadly.

 

Emma could feel apprehension growing in the pit of her stomach.

 

“What are you saying Lily?” she wondered out loud, wanting to understand.

 

Lily closed her eyes, preparing herself for the conversation she had been avoiding for so long.

 

“I broke him, Em,” she confessed for the first time out loud. “He told me he loved me, and I broke him. Without batting an eye,” she felt herself shake as she tried to hold back more tears.

 

“He told me he loved me and I just walked away from it. From him.”

 

There was something crushing her chest, making it hard to breath. 

 

Closing her eyes tight, she willed her heart to stop beating so fast.

 

James appeared in her mind. On the Astronomy Tower. Smiling.

 

She forced her eyes open, knowing what image would follow. She’d seen it too many times.

 

“I don’t understand Lily,” Emma admitted, confused. “He confessed to you so many times before. Why was that any different?”

 

“Do you remember when the last time he confessed to me was?” she asked curiously.

 

Emma thought back. With a start she realised she didn’t really remember the last time.

 

“Halloween last year I guess?” she asked unsure.

 

The smile that formed on Lily’s lips was bittersweet. Emma was right.

 

“Yup,” she confirmed, “ that was the last time.”

 

“Lily where are you going with this? What does that have anything to do with anything?” Emma feeling a sense of foreboding, started getting anxious.

 

Lily sat up, taking her friend’s hands in her own, looking her straight into her eyes.

 

“I started sleeping with him. Shortly after that,” she breathed.

 

There. It was out. She waited for Emma to absorb the information.

 

A wave of emotions flooded her; anger, surprise and disbelief.

 

“You what?” she asked finally.

 

Lily was regretting telling her. She had kept the secret for so long. She was terrified of sharing it. Sharing it felt like it was no longer real. It was no longer her own secret. It was out there.

 

“I slept with him. For about six months. Last year.” Each statement, a lonely addition to a story that had reached its end.

 

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” Emma snapped.

 

Why would her best friend not tell her something like this? She would never hide something this huge from her. Ever! Lily was the first person she told after she -

 

“What a minute!” she blurted out. “ Was he the first guy you ever slept with?” 

 

Lily visibly tensed.

 

“Yes,” came her confirmation. 

 

Emma’s mouth opened wide as she gasped incredulously.

 

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” the question came again, harsher. “ Merlin, Lily! Six months!”

 

“It’s complicated Em,” she started to explain apprehensively.

 

“Try,” she dared, losing her patience.

 

How many secrets was she hiding from her? Who keeps this from their best friend? Did she even consider her, her best friend? 

 

“It wasn’t supposed to last that long!” she exclaimed exasperatedly. “ We had a deal! It was only supposed to be a one time thing! We were both in a really dark place. We needed a distraction. It was only supposed to be one night,” she tried to explain meekly.

 

“That doesn’t change the fact that you lied to me for months,” Emma responded harshly. 

 

“I know,” Lily jumped in hastily, “I know. I didn’t know how to say it. How to start saying it. How to say anything. Then it happened again. And again. And again. I couldn’t stop myself. Neither of us could. He made me feel….” she trailed off at a loss for words to explain how he made her feel. What he made her feel.

 

“He just made me feel,” she repeated, not sure who she was admitting it to.

 

“I felt things inside me that I never knew I could feel. He made my head spin with one look. He made my body shiver with one smile. He made my heart stop with just a single fucking touch,” she was spiralling.

 

“But it was becoming something. It wasn’t supposed to. It was only supposed to be one night,” she was arguing with someone who wasn’t there.

 

She glanced at Emma, who was watching her every gut wrenching confession, too nervous to interrupt. Lily looked away, guilt starting to make its way within her.

 

“Then you broke up with Remus. And I wanted to be there for you.” she whispered to her.

 

“By fucking James, while I was crying my eyes out,” Emma was surprised by the tone that escaped her. It wasn’t Lily’s fault.

 

Lily gulped in shock, not knowing how to respond. 

 

Remus had broken up with her as well as breaking all contact with everyone he was close to. It seemed like the only people he would surround himself with was James and Peter, Lily remembered. There even seemed to be some trouble between Sirius and Remus for a while. 

 

She hadn’t seen James at all that period in time. Before or after the break up.

 

She had spent the week with Emma in the dormitory when she refused to leave her bed. 

 

When she finally saw him, something was different. She could feel it within him. He looked exhausted and anxious. As if he had grown much older in too short of a time.

 

He needed a distraction, he said, evading her questions, convincing her so well that everything was ok, even though she knew better.

 

She shook her head trying to get rid of the memories; he’d been so good at distracting her.

 

“Actually Emma,” she began slowly, “I was right here, next to you. When you couldn’t sleep but refused to leave your bed. When you refused to eat, or shower, or even go down to the common room. I was right here."

 

Emma simply glared at her.

 

“Thanks for the sacrifice,” she snapped. She lay on the bed, turning her back to Lily, hoping against hope she wouldn’t notice the tears escaping her eyes.

 

Lily placed a hand on her friend’s shoulder. 

 

“Emma, are you ok? What’s wrong?” she asked softly. She felt her shudder under her hand. 

 

Suddenly she understood.

 

Without removing her hand, she slid next to her best friend, catching her in an embrace, pulling her closer.

 

“You still miss him don’t you?” she asked the back of her head hesitantly.

There was silence for a long while, as Lily waited for the answer she already knew.

 

Emma rolled onto her back to stare at the ceiling, the tears from her eyes changing course for the pillow near her ears. She wiped them away, frustrated.

 

“Look at me,” she sounded so disappointed in herself. “Still crying over him. Like it even matters anymore.”

 

“Em-,” Lily wanted to be there for her, but she was cut off.

 

“Forget about it,” she reassured her, “tell me about James. Do you regret it?”

 

Lily knew she wanted to change the subject, but she made a mental note to check in with her more often. She had no idea how much she was still hurting. She really was a shitty friend. 

 

“Not even a little bit,” she admitted. “He was amazing and really really sweet,” she smiled shyly.

 

“So what happened?” she urged, glad Lily changed the subject.  

 

This is where things got tricky, Lily thought to herself. Emma, being James's cousin, could be a bit defensive of him. Although they weren't what you would call close, he was still family.

 

Lily knew what that meant to Emma. 

 

She took a long breath.

 

"Some time in April, he told me he'd fallen for me. That he wanted to try to make it work for real," she closed her eyes, letting her emotions get the best of her. She allowed the sensation of dread take over, knowing nothing would change the outcome.

 

"I told him no," she could still remember how his eyes changed colour in an instant. "I told him I was there to break it off. His distraction wasn't working anymore."

 

She opened her eyes only to see Emma watching her, nodding for her to continue.

 

"I told him he shouldn't have gotten attached. It wasn't anything special. Just a distraction," she whispered. 

 

Her eyes filled with tears, choking back a sob.

 

"I left him there. I couldn't be around him, so I just left him there," She trailed off.

 

"Lily -" Emma started.

 

"It was only supposed to be one time Emma," Lily couldn't hold it back anymore. The sob escaped her lips making Emma reach for her and hug her tight.

 

She'd never seen Lily like this. It was scaring her.

 

"It's ok Lily," she tried to soothe her. "It's going to be ok."

 

"I didn't see him after that, until the first day of school. I couldn't even ask him how he was. He just disappeared after April. I don't think he wanted to be anywhere near me," she cried harder in her friend's embrace.

 

Emma just stroked her hair, soothing her until her sobbing had subsided, turning to small hiccups.

 

"Can I ask you something honey?" She asked quietly. Lily nodded against her.

 

"Do you love him?" The question took her by surprise in more ways than one.

 

She thought about it. She thought about James and how her body froze under his gaze, how her mind stopped when he kissed her, how she couldn't stop herself from looking for him in every room she entered. She thought about how his words cut deeper than others.

 

"I don't know," she replied meekly. She was too fearful of what that meant. 

 

Emma looked at her. Whipping her face with her thumb, resting her hand on her cheek.

 

"Lily, I love you so much," she smiled at her, "but you're a fucking idiot."

 

Lily just stared at her unaware of how to absorb Emma's comments.

 

"Here's another question," she pushed on, trying to make her see sense. "You said you couldn't stand being around him. Why?" 

 

Lily thought back to that night. James's changing eyes, the disappearance of his smile, the was his arms just dropped to his side, defeated, broken.

 

Tears found her once more but she spoke through them in a small voice.

 

"I couldn't see what I did to him. I didn't want to see him break. If I had stayed, I might've taken it all back," she said honestly.

 

"Do you see?" Emma smiled at her. Lily stared at her blankly. Emma rolled her eyes.

 

"You love him." The statement washed over Lily like a wave.

 

"You're just scared. You might not know what you're scared of exactly, but you're definitely scared. But that's good! Being scared is good! It keeps you focused on what matters. If you're scared of change, you change together, then it's no longer scary. If you're scared of losing him, then you fight twice as hard to keep him." 

 

She breathed shakily, remembering her old love and how scared she was of all that could go wrong and everything that did.

 

"Running away doesn't help with anything, nor does it change the fact that you love him. You're just lying to yourself. And him. And it's hurting both of you."

 

Lily wondered when her friend got so wise.

 

"I don't know what to do anymore," she confessed, defeated, more tears escaping her emerald eyes.

 

"You need to talk to him," she answered simply. "You need to tell him how you feel." 

 

"I know how he feels Emma. He hates me," the realisation stung her deeply. She raised her hand to her heart, as though if she could clutch it she could ease the pain.

 

"You don't know that Lily. Not for sure. You don't know until you try," she told her sternly.

 

Lily hugged her friend tightly, not wanting to let go. She knew she was right. She nodded against her.

 

They lay there in silence, in each other's arms. Emma stroked Lily's hair until she fell asleep.

 

Emma had a harder time falling asleep. Every time her eyes shut, images of Remus floated in, shaking her awake. She lay there, back to the bed and eyes to the ceiling, thinking of it all, not bothering to wipe the tears that fell when no one was watching.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

Sirius watched as Lily rushed through the common room, making her way to the dormitories. He could have sworn he saw something in her eyes as she glanced around frantically, looking for something or someone.

 

Wasn't her detention with James tonight? The question sprung into his mind, making him jump from his seat.

 

He had been working on an essay that was already late, but that would have to wait.

 

_ That can't be good _ ,he thought, as he ran up the stairs of his own dormitory.

 

With Peter visiting his girlfriend near the Hufflepuff basement and Remus, still harbouring some issues about staying in the same room alone with him, the dormitory was empty.

 

Sirius felt a pang of guilt shoot through him.

 

He vowed to try harder to reach out to him. To try and make up for him being such an asshole last year.

 

He searched the room trying to find the map. He needed to make sure he was okay.

 

He came across a gilded mirror before he found the map. Without skipping a beat he yelled James's name at it. Not waiting for a reply he continued searching for the map.

 

"James," he yelled again.

 

Where the fuck was the map?

 

"Damn it James, answer me," he whispered with a growl.

 

Deciding it was taking him too long to find the map, he picked up the Invisibility Cloak James had given him at the beginning of the year.

 

Head Boy doesn't need it, he winked at him, when he had said it.

 

_ Damn it James!  _

 

Making his way to the Head Student's quarters, Sirius never stopped trying to get an answer through the mirror.

 

Thankful James had given him the password to the entrance of their quarters, he was about to enter, when finally a small voice floated from the mirror.

 

"Padfoot I'm fine. Stop fucking yelling!" James's voice sounded strange.

 

"Are you drunk?" Sirius exclaimed. He'd been worried sick about him and he was fucking drinking?

 

James rolled his eyes.

 

"What do you want Sirius?" he breathed, annoyed. 

 

Sirius's blood was boiling.

 

"Where the fuck are you?" he was pacing, hoping it would help use up his adrenaline.

 

It wasn't.

 

"You know where I am," came the quiet reply. 

 

Sirius stopped pacing and really looked at him. His anger subsided into anxiety. James didn't look too good; his eyes were bloodshot and unfocused, his speech slurred.

 

Of course he knew where he was. He should have known from the start. Where else would he be? Where else would he hide? 

 

_ Fucking Evans,  _ the thought flashed inside him before he could react.

 

"I'm on my way. Don't be stupid," he warned him turning his heel and turning in the direction he knew he'd find him.

 

"Bring some beer," James muttered before he disappeared again.

 

Sirius hook his head before covering himself with the Invisibility Cloak. 

 

At least he was in one piece, he muttered to no one. 

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

James half lay on the long covered table in the furthest corner of the room, his back leaning on the wall, his left leg extended the length of the table while the other dangled off the side onto the covered bench running alongside it. 

 

The white sheet matched the sheets that draped the other furnishings of the abandoned room. 

 

He liked this room. He hadn't told the others about it, wanting a secret place just for him and his thoughts. Somewhere for times like this. 

 

He drank some more, gazing out the window on his left. If not for the window, no light would grace the room. He liked that too.

 

The darkness.

 

He felt like he was home. 

 

He knew he couldn't get too comfortable in the darkness. It was just so easy to give into it. Easy to just let it all go. Easy to just drown in it.

 

He thought of Lily again and groaned.

 

Why couldn't she just let him be? He thought gulping down the rest of his bottle.

 

Why did she have to keep playing with him? Was last year not enough? Had she not humiliated him enough? 

 

He allowed her to fill his memories. Her bare skin, as she lay next to him. Her eyes, as she looked at him in the midst of desire. Her touch, as she held his hand, caressed his hair and kissed his lips. 

 

He closed his eyes cursing the moon, clenching his right fist again, willing himself not to shed another tear for her.

 

_ James _ , her voice echoed through him.

 

He cursed louder and punched the wall, enjoying how the pain in his hand was distracting him.

 

He looked quietly around the room, as he sat up, reaching for another bottle.

 

Last time he was here, the comforting darkness had won. Closing his eyes, the vague flash of red on white came into focus.

 

He breathed shakily. 

 

He shouldn't have come. 

 

He opened the bottle, tipping the content of it in his mouth as he lay back against the wall. He held the bottle in his left hand as he fished for something in his right pocket, pulling out an intricately designed pocket knife.

 

It had been his father's. An heirloom. 

 

He flipped it open and traced his thumb against the edge. 

 

_ A distraction,  _ the darkness whispered.

 

He snapped it shut. 

 

It was getting dangerous.

 

He drank some more, absentmindedly flipping the knife open and shut.

 

_ You knew what this was James. It's nothing more than that. I don't want anything more than that. If you can't give me what I want, it's best to just end it now. It's just not worth the hassle. _

 

He didn't realise he had flipped opened the knife, or that he was stabbing the table beneath him, or that he had new tears sliding down his face. 

 

"James?" Sirius' voice was urgently breaking through him.

 

He tried to focus on the source. He was standing at the entrance, eyeing him carefully.

 

Sirius, walked slowly to him, peeling off the cloak. He watched his best friend struggle to focus as he abandoned the table stabbing. The cloth stained with drops of blood.

 

James's hand had slipped down to the hilt with each motion cutting his palm in the process. His knuckles bore signs of abuse and bruising.

 

_ How the fuck did he find the knife _ , Sirius swore. He thought he'd hidden it after last time.

 

"James, you ok?" He asked him slowly, as he reached him.

 

"Great," he smiled meekly, rolling his head to the wall.

 

"I can see that, bud," he hesitated. "You wanna give me the knife?" He placed his hand over his. 

 

James looked down at his hand, finding it hard to concentrate on the task of opening it to hand over the knife to Sirius. 

 

Why couldn't he focus? Why was everything becoming blurry but her?

 

He looked at the moon to check.

 

Yup. Blurry.

 

He looked at his friend who was swearing profusely. He watched him cut a piece of the white furnishing cloth and wrapped it around his hand.

 

_ How did that happen? _ he wondered vacantly.

 

"Sirius?" he tried to speak. Sirius' eyebrow rose and he grunted, indicating that he was listening.

 

"Why is everything blurry but her?" he asked, he felt as if every part of him was breaking.

 

Sirius finished wrapping James's hand. 

 

He wanted to take all the pain away. He wanted to see his friend smile again. He wanted his friend to be ok. 

 

He just wanted his friend back.

 

He hesitated for a moment, before moving to sit next to him. He took his bottle, taking a large gulp before answering.

 

"I don't know man," he whispered honestly.

 

James sighed a defeated sigh.

 

He rolled to the side to look at him. Sirius could barely contain his emotions at the sound.

 

"When does it stop hurting?" he whispered beaten, tears flowing freely. 

 

Sirius rested his forehead against his. They both knew he didn't know the answer to that.

 

They sat there in silence, drinking from James's bottle. Neither saying much, both numb to the outside November cold entering the window.

 

Sirius looked around the room anxiously. He never thought he'd be here again. He'd never wanted to come back here. 

 

Finding him here like that was not something he could forget easily. No matter how many promises were made. 

 

He never quite understood why, he always thought James would tell him when he was ready. 

 

But here tonight, with him here, like this, he could see why. He knew why. He just wanted James to say it. 

 

Just to make it real.

 

They had all went about their lives acting like it never happened. Like James was fine. Like he didn't try to give up. Like he didn't try to take his own life.

 

He'd moved in with him over the summer to keep an eye on him. To make sure he was doing better. 

 

And he was. Promises made had convinced him. 

 

But here they were again.

 

In this room.

 

Again.

 

He needed to hear it.

 

"James," he started. James merely nodded his head in silent acknowledgement.

 

"Why -" he started, unable to finish.

 

_ I don't want anything more than that. If you can't give me what I want, it's best to just end it now. It's just not worth the hassle. _

 

The words echoed in his mind again.

 

"I just wasn't worth the hassle," he whispered, closing his eyes once more.

 

Sirius examined him. Why the hell would he ever believe that?

 

He knew why. He knew where the words really came from. Anger started boiling within him again, but not at James.

 

No, not at James.

 

They remained silent for a long time, James taking less frequent gulps of his drink, until he eventually stopped completely.

 

"James?" Sirius was nudging him. His eyes fluttered, having trouble focusing.

 

"Don't make me carry you back man," he begged.

 

"Oki doki," he sleepily replied. He didn't move.

 

Sirius groaned loudly. 

 

It was getting to be morning soon. He couldn't leave him here.

 

_ Fuck. _

 

With great difficulty, he leveraged James on his back and covered them both with the Invisibility Cloak.

 

James had the vague sensation of being carried but he couldn't be too sure.

 

Sirius took him to the Gryffindor boys dormitory, slipping him into his own bed. He made an effort to change the bandage on James's hand, with actual bandages they had for emergencies, before making sure the covers were over him.

 

He sighed, observing him sleep, wishing for the millionth time, that he could take away his pain. 

 

As he turned towards the bathroom, he heard James stir.

 

"Padfoot?" he asked his retreating back. Sirius glanced at him tentatively.

 

"Yea Prongs?" he whispered, not wanting to wake the others.

 

"I love her," he choked in his half conscious state.

 

Sirius smiled at him softly, closing the curtains of his bed. 

 

"I know, Prongs," he replied to no one.

 

Whispering a silencing charm to make sure no one would wake him up, he closed the curtains around his bed and headed to the showers.

 

With the turmoil of emotions within him at that moment, he was never going to get to sleep, might as well get ready for the day.

 

He hoped he wouldn't be bumping into a certain redhead. At least not until his hostility subsided a bit.

 

"Happy fucking birthday to me," he growled to himself on the way to the showers.

 


	6. Pain - Three Days Grace

  1. Pain - Three Days Grace



 

_ He felt a small pressure on his chest. Looking down he saw her sprawled out next to him, her head and arm contently placed on his chest. He felt the sun rise in his soul as he watched her stir in her sleep. He resisted brushing her hair away in fear of her waking up. _

 

_ He just wanted to watch her sleep a while longer.  _

 

_ She would be leaving before anyone woke up and he just wanted to feel her lying next to him. He didn’t want her to go away anymore. He wanted her to stay close. It didn’t feel right when she was away from him. _

 

_ He closed his eyes, taking in her scent. _

 

_ He opened his eyes and it took a moment to realise where he was. _

 

_ He was in the kitchen. _

 

_ Two days before Halloween. _

 

_ He walked in on her crying.  _

 

_ He didn’t know what to do. Should he stay or should he go? _

 

_ He sat next to her; unspoken comfort.  _

 

_ He waited. _

 

_ Her mother was sick, she explained.  _

 

_ Dying. _

 

_ He said nothing. He let her talk. _

 

_ She spoke to him of her. Her smile, her love, her support. She was scared. She was shaking. There was nothing he could say. _

 

_ She looked at him. Really gazed upon him. _

 

_ She wanted to run to her, she said. She wanted to hide from it. She was torn between the two, but the decision was taken for her, she whispered through the tears. _

 

_ Her sister sent her a letter, telling her not to come home.  _

 

_ Ever. _

 

_ She blamed her. _

 

_ He hugged her as she sobbed against him. _

 

_ They were kissing now. _

 

_ He didn’t know how or when, but he was kissing her. Right there on the table, in the kitchen. _

 

_ Her lips were urgent against his, as she drove him deeper into her. She wrapped her legs around him, driving him crazy. She was pulling at his shirt. Pulling it behind his back as if in anger. _

 

_ He broke away from her,  unwrapping her hands from him, stopping her from going further. _

 

_ He wanted to go back for her. He craved her, longing for her to be his. _

 

_ This wasn’t the way.  _

 

_ He didn’t want her like this.  _

 

_ He was so close to her. _

 

_ Brushing a strand of hair behind her ear, whispering against her skin, electricity connecting their fingertips. _

 

_ He breathed her in, closing his eyes. _

 

_ He was watching her now. _

 

_ They were in the Trophy Room again. _

 

_ Beneath him, he watched her. _

 

_ She was smart. She used that to get what she wanted. _

 

_ She was good at that. _

 

_ His mind was blurry. His world was too. Everything but her. _

 

_ He watched her writhe in pleasure under him as he slid into her. She whispered his name and he dipped his lips to her neck, biting and kissing a trail along the length of it.  _

 

_ Her nails dug into his back making him push in harder. _

 

_ A moan escaped her lips.  _

 

_ He loved hearing her moan, so he did it again and again.  _

 

_ Harder and Harder. _

 

_ He freed her neck looking her straight in the eye, knowing what was close.  _

 

_ Leaning his forehead against hers, he kissed her softly on her lips as they both reached the height of their connection. _

 

_ She whispered his name once more. He thought his heart might explode with ecstasy. _

 

_ He was alone now. _

 

_ There was no one.  _

 

_ Just him and the darkness within. _

 

_ White cloth draping everything around him, he embraced it. _

 

_ Small carvings down his arms revealing its true nature, he pressed the family heirloom deeper and harder. _

 

_ Again and again. _

 

_ Deeper and deeper. _

 

_ His old distraction wasn’t working anymore. Why? _

 

_ Maybe if he tried harder. Maybe if he tried deeper. _

 

_ Red on white. _

 

_ And her. _

 

_ Always her. _

 

_ He leaned against the wall staring at the faint moonlight, embracing the darkness taking her away from him. _

 

His eyes snapped open as his body reacted by bolting upright. Immediately regretting it, from the shooting pain going through his head, he lay straight back down.

 

He looked around. He was clearly not in his own room. 

 

_ Sirius _ , he sighed, raising his hand to rub his eyes.

 

He noticed a bandage wrapped around it. He stared at it in wonder, unable to remember what happened. Slowly he unwrapped it, cringing.

 

_ Fuck _ , he though as he peeled off the final layer. 

 

The bandage stuck to his scars. The bruising on his knuckles didn’t really surprise him. The jagged cuts on his palms frightened him. They looked deep and he wondered how he could have been so stupid.

 

There was a sliver of darkness that made its way to his mind as he gazed at it, trying so very hard not to relish the stings of pain it brought to him.

 

He signed as he struggled to get out of bed. The room was spinning and his legs wouldn’t work properly. He looked at his watch wondering what time it was.

 

12:34, his watch informed him.

 

The realisation that he had missed a whole day of lessons shook him to the point he felt sick to his stomach.

 

No. That was the remnants of last night fighting to come out.

 

He rushed to the bathroom, getting to the toilet just in time.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

Sirius rubbed his eyes, exhausted.

 

He couldn’t concentrate on his lessons. He wasn’t even sure what lesson he was in at the moment. He tried to focus.

 

Alchemy, he concluded.

 

Great he thought. It’s not like it’s a hard class or anything.

 

It also meant that he was in the same room as her, he realised with a growl. He could feel his temper growing, slowly boiling his blood.

 

He turned casually, pretending to observe his surroundings. He glanced at the alchemical symbols carved into the walls, the wine coloured curtains detailed with gold and the diagram connecting all four elements burned into the back wall. That’s where he spotted her, speaking with Emma in hushed tones. 

 

His heart beat faster, expanding the waves of disdain running through him.

 

He hadn’t been able to think of much else that day, but his broken friend. The way he looked so small and so alone in the erie moonlight. The way he’d seemed so desperate to be left with the darkness inside him. The way he was so absorbed by it, that he hadn’t even realised he’d hurt himself.

 

Again.

 

He wished he could make him see. That he could just shake him out of it.

 

He wished she would just leave him alone. To let him forget her.

 

“Padfoot," came Remus' voice, breaking through his trance, "want to share with the group as to why you're glaring at the wall?" he whispered sullenly.

 

Sirius barely looked at him.

 

"Just felt like breaking my hand on something," he muttered darkly.

 

"Care to elaborate?" the tone of his voice changed to worry.

 

He knew why.

 

Sirius wasn't well known for keeping his anger in check. Look what happened with Snape. 

 

But this was different.

 

This had nothing to do with Snape.

 

This ran deeper.

 

Darker.

 

"Not particularly," he told him truthfully.

 

Remus seemed put off by the remark. 

 

"Sorry I asked," he snapped under his breath, turning to the lesson at hand, while Sirius never took his sneer off Lily.

 

If he wasn't so preoccupied with shooting daggers at her, he might have been able to notice that Lily didn't look so good either.

 

Her eyes were bloodshot with dark shadows beneath them.She didn’t seem to have brushed her hair that well either. She sat beside Emma, her body language defeated and her mind devoid of any obligation to function.

 

“Why do you think Sirius is glaring at you?” Emma enquired, “it looks like he wants to kill you,” she told her from the corner of her mouth.

 

Lily glanced at him. Her blood froze. He really was.

 

“Something happened to James,” she muttered, finding herself unable to take her eyes away from his.

 

She blinked and he was looking away.

 

 “Why do you have to go there Lily?” she asked exasperatedly, rolling her eyes.

 

Lily kept watching him. He didn’t look ok. He looked exhausted. Had he found out about what happened last night? Would he tell her? Would he tell her how James was?

 

Try as she might, she couldn’t shake off the feeling that something was wrong.

 

She knew something was wrong from the moment he missed his first class. 

 

“Because it’s true,” she whispered, “I know it.”

 

“Then just ask Sirius,” she offered meekly.

 

“I will,” she retorted stubbornly, even though she didn’t believe she had the strength to know the truth.

 

“Keep your head on. Don’t get too confrontational,” she warned glancing in his direction. “You know how he gets when he’s angry,” she added. 

 

He was back to watching them with what seemed like a lazy look, but there was something much much darker lurking beneath his eyes, making her shiver.

 

“That settles it. Something is wrong with James.” she decided.

 

She waited for the dismissal that would lead to the confrontation she knew was coming. Her body was trying to convince her to walk out the door. To not confront the man with murder in his eyes. 

 

But she stayed. 

 

If she wanted to know about James, she had to.

 

Everyone was excused.

 

“I’ll meet you at lunch,”she told Emma as she approached the entrance, hanging back to let him know she wanted to talk.

 

Remus saw her first and nudged Sirius in her direction.

 

Sirius looked over and growled at the sight of her. Without explanation he started making his way to her.

 

“I’ll meet you at lunch,” he whispered darkly.

 

Remus looked at him, eyebrows raised. He was about to say that it was probably not the best idea to leave him alone in the shape that he was in; especially alone in a room with Lily. 

 

But he wasn’t going to argue with him in this state. 

 

Maybe he could catch up with Emma and see if she knows what's going on.

 

He smiled at the thought and made his way to the Great Hall for lunch.

 

They waited for the room to empty; he, growling while he clenched and unclenched his fists, breathing hard, she, biting her lip and fidgeting with the hair falling in front of her eyes.

 

At last they were alone.

 

He waited, arms crossed over his chest.

 

“How’s James?” she finally asked, her eyes darting around anywhere but at him.

 

"Is that all you want to ask Evans?" he answered snidely, watching her. "Because I'm afraid that's none of your goddamn business."

 

She blinked at his words.

 

So he did know.

 

Disregarding her instincts again, she remain rooted on the spot. 

 

"I just want to know he's ok," she whispered, unable to keep her eyes on him.

 

"Far from it, thanks to you," he snarled at her and she felt her blood run cold.

 

"He told you then," she was fidgeting with her hair.

 

He took a step closer to her and she could feel his anger shaking his core. She gulped slowly.

 

"Which part?" he asked for effect. His voice was even, but she could sense the suppressed rage rippling through him, "About last year's secret ‘sessions’?" pausing, he took another step closer. "About you fucking him over?" another step closer. "Or about last night?" he was standing in front of her now, but she found herself unable to move.

 

"Doesn't take a genius to make the connection," he told her in a dark undertone. "All he had to do was tell me about last year and suddenly my best friend makes sense again," he added to no one.

 

Lily saw the distance in his eyes. Something inside him that was searching for answers. 

 

"I -," she paused, "he -," how was she going to explain this to him? How was she ever going to find out about him if she couldn't even get out the words?

 

"Last night," she whispered slowly, making sure to take a step back away from him, "he just left. I-I just want to know if he's ok," she finished meekly, knowing he was right.

 

"He'll be fine if you just stay the fuck away from him," he growled, making to leave.

 

"I can't," she started.

 

She wanted to tell him that she'd tried that. She tried with all her heart and soul. 

 

She'd tried to forget how he made her feel. She'd tried to ignore the lightning she felt every time she'd seen him. She'd tried to forget the way he touched her and the way he made her weak.

 

She'd tried to find another distraction. 

 

The distance she had created between them had only been an illusion. One that shattered the moment he kissed her again, whether or not she had been able to accept it at the time.

 

She wanted to make him see that she wanted to take it all back.

 

But she didn't. 

 

He didn't let her.

 

In an instant, he was only a breath away, eyes glimmering with loathing. His features exposing his anguish, sadness and exhaustion.

 

"Why?" he bit back in a dangerously low tone, "why can't you just leave him the fuck alone? Why do you have to keep breaking him? Was once not enough? It's been hard enough to deal with the damage you caused the first time around. That kind of hurt leaves a mark Evans, whether you open your eyes to see it or not."

 

He moved away from her, shaking his head, driving his hand through his hair in aggravation, trying to calm his breathing. He was trying so hard not to act on his impulses.

 

There was something inside him that wanted to come out. To make her hurt.

 

He knew it was getting dangerous for him.

 

He should really be trying to leave.

 

His anger held him there. With her.

 

Lily saw his thoughts fight his body, not knowing how to react to his words.

 

There was a part of her that screamed at her to leave. To just get out of that room. To go just find Emma at lunch.

 

Before she wouldn’t be able to.

 

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” he whispered to her, his voice painfully losing control of the rage inside.

 

He wasn’t looking at her. His back was to her, but she could see him rubbing his eyes. 

 

He was spiralling. 

 

He knew that.

 

He needed to leave before he crumbled completely.

 

But he wouldn’t. 

 

All of his anguish was pouring out and there was no way he could stop his resentment from escaping him anymore.

 

Why was she just standing there? Just taking it? Why wasn’t she fighting? Why wasn’t see defending herself? Why wasn’t she leaving?

 

It annoyed him further.

 

_ Leave! _   His mind screamed at him.

 

“Not worth the fucking hassle?” he spat at her, turning her way. 

 

Seeing the meaning of the words affect her, a sick sense of joy compelled him to keep going.

 

“You think you're a fucking prize? Drove my best friend over the fucking edge and you think you can just erase that by batting your eyelashes and opening your legs?”

 

His blood was boiling to the point he was shaking.

 

_ Leave! Now! _

 

He stayed. 

 

He was so tired of holding back. He was tired of being scared for his best friend. He was tired of cleaning up the scars she left on him. 

 

He was just tired.

 

“Just leave him the fuck alone Evans,” he breathed, “You're not worth the fucking blood, sweat and tears he's spilt over you. I'm not risking his life again just cos you're looking for a new toy.”

 

_ Shit. _

 

He stopped talking. 

 

She blinked back at him trying to take in his words, struggling to understand the message behind them. 

 

Her mind started racing.

 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” she asked him, trying to find out their meaning.

 

_ Fuck. _

 

“It was a figure of speech,” he said quickly, averting his eyes away from her, “don't read too much into it. Disregard that like you did the rest of him.”

 

He turned away from her, heading to the door.

 

_ Shit. _

 

“Sirius -,” he heard her start unevenly. 

 

“Fuck you Evans,” he threw at her, leaving her alone to deal with the weight of his words, slamming the door behind him as he went.

 

Her heart sank as dread made her blood run cold.

 

His feet were taking him to the Gryffindor Tower, away from the Great Hall.

 

Suddenly he wasn’t that hungry anymore.

 

_ James is going to fucking kill me.  _ Sirius thought as he sped through the corridors.


	7. Lost at Sea - In this Moment

Chapter 7: In this Moment - Lost at Sea

 

Emma kept glancing at the doors, waiting for Lily to show up. She was uneasy. Sirius looked really angry.

 

She shouldn't have left her alone with him.

 

She was getting impatient and nervous.

 

_Maybe I should just go find her. Make sure she's ok._

 

She made to stand up, but something stopped her.

 

Someone.

 

She took a sharp intake as Remus stood behind her.

 

He hadn't spoken yet. He didn't have to. She knew. She always knew.

 

"Hi, Emma," he said shyly.

 

Emma closed her eyes for a moment, making mentally sure that her features didn't betray her emotions.

 

Breathing out, she turned to face him.

 

"Remus," she whispered curtly.

 

He looked like he was fighting the urge to leave. Instead, as if deciding on a whim, he sat next to her.

 

This surprised her.

 

She hadn't spoken to him since they broke up. He had made no effort to rectify that. Neither had she; it was easier.

 

Yet here he was.

 

Remus thought he'd made a terrible mistake. He shouldn't have just sat down. He shouldn't be here.

 

She didn't look like she wanted him there.

 

He played with his hands.

 

"What do you want Remus?" her voice came out harsher than she intended, her worry for Lily slipping through.

 

He flinched at her tone.

 

_Good._

 

"Have you-," he started.

 

He paused.

 

He wanted to ask about Sirius and Lily.

 

There was a part of him that believed it had something to do with James.

 

There weren't many things that made Sirius angry, he knew, from experience.

 

James had been acting strangely these past few days.

 

Well, months really.

 

Even before Sirius had found him.

 

There was a part of him that believed they were all connected. He just didn't know how.

 

He really wanted to ask her all of this.

 

"Can we talk in private?" was what came out instead. He saw a flash of awkward surprise in her eyes.

 

"I just want to talk," he added quickly, looking away.

 

"What about?" she asked, hoping against hope that she seemed like she didn't care.

 

She glanced at the doors begging for an escape.

 

"About…" he trailed off trying to find a good way to put it. "Last year," he added weekly.

 

He wanted to explain to her what happened.

 

Well, maybe not everything of what happened.

 

He wanted to tell her he was sorry. That he should never have broken up with her. That there was a reason.

 

He just couldn't tell her.

 

Merlin, he was stupid.

 

Why would she trust his words if he couldn't even tell her the real reason?

 

He sighed, bringing his eyes to hers.

 

She was frowning at him.

 

"Last year?" she feigned. "Oh! You must mean when you broke up with me without an actual explanation."

 

She glared at him.

 

"That must be it, because this is the first time you have spoken to me since," she added with pointed annoyance.

 

He cringed. She was right.

 

This was stupid.

 

He would go.

 

"You're right," he didn't go. "I have no excuse for my behaviour. You have every right to hate me," he continued dejectedly.

 

She sighed deeply.

 

She should let him feel bad. She should let him think that. She should let him apologise.

 

She should.

 

"Remus, I -," she muttered. "I could never hate you," she ended.

 

"And trust me I've tried."

 

She looked up to him, wondering if he wanted to say anything further. Did he miss her? Did he want to get back together? Did he want to just clear the air?

 

At that moment she caught sight of something behind him.

 

A figure staring at her from the shadows with what looked like tears in their eyes. The figure stared at her intently before turning to run away in the direction of the castle entrance.

 

"Lily?" she asked aloud.

 

"Lily?" Remus repeated back to her confused. He'd turned his head to see what Emma had been looking at but the hall Dining Room doors seemed empty.

 

"Oh! Nothing," she said hastily. "Sorry Remus, but I have to go. We can talk another time, ok?"

 

Without waiting for a reply, she got up and dashed after the figure from the shadows, hoping it was Lily.

 

She felt guilty. She really shouldn't have let her stay with Sirius alone.

 

Remus looked at her retreating back, wondering if it was something he said or if she was just trying to find an excuse to get away from him.

 

He scolded himself.

 

He should never have tried to talk to her. He felt hollow.

 

He got up to leave and started making his way back to his dormitory.

 

He wasn't hungry anymore.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

The bitter air should be biting into her, but it wasn't.

 

Sitting by the lake, with only her uniform on, should have made her shiver.

 

She hadn't thought of going to her room to pick up her coat. She hadn't thought of muttering a spell to procure it one way or another. She hadn't thought of staying inside.

 

She wanted instead to escape the castle.

 

She only thought of Sirius's words.

 

_Drove my best friend over the fucking edge._

 

She knew she'd hurt him.

 

Horribly.

 

Irreparably.

 

What did he mean by the edge?

 

Her pulse was racing, trying to put all the pieces together.

 

Memories of them together flashed through her mind. This time she welcomed them. Searching for something concealed.

 

_You're not worth the fucking blood, sweat and tears he's spilt over you._

 

He'd seen his scars when they had been together. Some smaller, some larger. Some reddish, some whitish. Some new, some old.

 

He'd seen her look at them, but he never gave her an answer to her questions.

 

An old distraction, he'd told her with a sad smile.

 

He never said more than that.

 

_I'm not risking his life again just cos you're looking for a new toy._

 

Had he gone back to his old distraction?

 

Was he in so much pain that he went back?

 

Had she made him go back?

 

Her heart was pounding. She was feeling physically sick.

 

Did she push him further than he was willing to go before? Did she do that?

 

_That kind of hurt leaves a mark Evans, whether you open your eyes to see it or not._

 

"Lily?" Emma's voice freed her from her spiral.

 

She snapped up at her, eyes wide, features pale. She could feel herself shake but it wasn't from the cold.

 

"Emma," she trembled. Had she known of his practices? Had she known why it started? Had anyone?

 

Should she tell her?

 

"What's wrong? What happened with Sirius?" She asked quickly. She sat next to her, putting at arm around her to bring her some warmth.

 

"Em," she spoke softly. Carefully.

 

"Do you know if James ever..." she trailed off. The thought was heart wrenching.

 

She paused. She didn't want to worry her.

 

It might have been Sirius's anger talking.

 

It might have been her over exhausted mind.

 

She knew better.

 

She closed her eyes, knowing her words would have an effect, unable to decide.

 

"If he ever what, hun?" she asked tentatively, stroking her arm.

 

She was freezing. They should really be getting back in.

 

"Did he ever hurt himself?" she couldn't look at her.

 

Emma was confused.

 

"Like an accident or playing Quidditch or something?" what kind of question is that to ask by the lake, in the cold?

 

Lily shook her head, taking in a breath.

 

Gathering her courage, she looked up at Emma. Dried tears stained her cheeks, hair caught in the wind making it wild.

 

"No, Em," she started very carefully. "Like deliberately hurt himself."

 

Emma stopped moving, taken aback by the question.

 

Where did that come from? What kind of question was that? Was it a joke?

 

"James would never do anything like that," she told her. Her tone was harsher than what she had intended.

 

Lily searched her eyes for any sign of uncertainty.

 

"You're sure?" she pushed, "I mean really really sure?"

 

Emma as blood ran cold. It had nothing to do with the weather.

 

"Yes I'm sure," her voice faltered. Was she?

 

"Why are you asking me this? Did something happen?" she was getting nervous.

 

First last night.

 

Then Sirius.

 

Now this?

 

"It was something Sirius said," she told her.

 

Everything in her heart wanted to hear that it was in her head.

 

Everything in her head knew what was in her heart.

 

"What did he say exactly?" she asked her anxiously. Her emotions were getting the better of her.

 

Lily was trying hard not to relive the entire conversation with Sirius.

 

"He said a lot of stuff," she whispered in a hushed tone.

 

She turned to the lake, watching it's tranquillity against the harsh weather.

 

"He didn't want to risk his life again," she repeated the words out loud.

 

Emma was stunned.

 

Was she right in their interpretation?

 

There wasn't much ambiguity in those words.

 

Why would Sirius say anything like that if they didn't mean just that?

 

Maybe he wanted to just hurt Lily?

 

Maybe he was making an exaggerated point?

 

Maybe he was just lying?

 

Maybe.

 

Maybe it was true.

 

Maybe it just slipped out.

 

Maybe he wanted to hurt Lily.

 

They sat there a little longer, thoughts running through their minds, thoughts of meanings and thoughts of James.

 

It was becoming much frostier before they decided to start making their way back in, never once breaking their embrace.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

Sirius was still fuming with his encounter with Lily as he reached the common room. He tried to control his step, making it lighter, just in case James was still asleep.

 

He opened the door slowly, peeking inside.

 

He wasn't in his bed.

 

Surprised, he opened it fully, looking around for a sign of him.

 

He was leaning out the large window on the far corner of the room, smoking a cigarette and watching the Whomping Willow moving in the wind.

 

He sighed in relief, stepping in.

 

"Hey," he said as he approached him. He noticed his hand and how his bandage was off. It didn't look good.

 

"Birthday Boy," James smiled at him, handing him the last of his cigarette. Sirius watched him closely.

 

"You look better than I thought you would," he confessed with a small smile.

 

He finished the cigarette and put it out on the window sill. He didn't move.

 

"Looks can be deceiving," he smirked. "I feel like shit."

 

He continued to look out the window. It was so peaceful. The trees in his view danced together as the breeze moved over them. It was transfixing.

 

Sirius allowed himself a little laugh.

 

"Well, you were wasted," he told him matter-of-factly. He began moving back to the middle of the dormitory, towards the bed.

 

He motioned him to sit.

 

"In my defense, the beer had expired," James chuckled, shaking his head. He sat on the bed.

 

Sirius smiled at him, as he turned to grab a new bandage from the bathroom.

 

The beer had expired.

 

That meant one thing to him.

 

James hadn't been back to that room since last year.

 

He hadn't been looking to hurt himself.

 

He had just been drunk and stupid.

 

His smile reached his heart, comforting him.

 

He got back to the bed, motioning to James to hold out his hand.

 

"Thanks," he whispered to him rubbing his eyes. "I tried to do it myself but I couldn't get the angle right."

 

He was only half lying.

 

He was fascinated by his new scars. They were deep and beautiful to him. They stung any time he moved his fingers. He wanted to feel the pain penetrate him a while longer.

 

"Sure," Sirius said solemnly, concentrating on the task at hand.

 

As he finished, he observed his handy work.

 

Satisfied, he made to get up and pack everything away.

 

James didn't let go of his hand.

 

Sirius looked at him but James's eyes were downcast. His heartbeat escalated.

 

"Thanks, Padfoot," he told him honestly, raising his eyes to him.

 

Sirius smiled out a sigh, bringing up his other hand to grasp James's.

 

"Don't mention it, Prongs," told him, making another attempt to walk away.

 

James didn't let go. He didn't want to.

 

"I mean, for everything," he continued. "Everything I put you through; it's a lot. Last year, last night, my hand. I'm sorry, man. Truly sorry," he was speaking quickly, as if afraid

to lose his nerve.

 

"James, it's-," Sirius started.

 

"No. It is definitely not ok," he seemed angry with himself. "You deserve better than a fuck up for a best friend."

 

He let go of his hand and fell to the bed, covering his face with his other arm.

 

"James, you're not a fuck up. You're just not ok. You need help and I want to help you. You just need to let me," he stayed next to him, making sure he was listening.

 

James nodded slowly.

 

"James I'm sorry to do this but I'm going to have to hear the words, man," he told him tentatively.

 

James knew that. He's known for a while. He was right.

 

He couldn't do it alone.

 

He'd tried.

 

He'd failed.

 

He needed him.

 

He moved his arm and fixed his gaze on Sirius.

 

"Help me," he whispered, broken.

 

The words hurt and healed him at the same time.

 

"Please."

 

Sirius studied him before lying next to him on the bed.

 

"Ok," he began, "first thing's first. You can't stay in the Head Student's quarters. That's just a bad situation waiting to happen. You need to get away from her."

 

James was very aware that Sirius was right.

 

She was everywhere. Even when she wasn't there, she was. He could feel her.

 

He was losing his mind.

 

But where would he -

 

"You can move back here," Sirius interjected his thoughts, "we can talk to Dumbledore and get your old bed back."

 

He got up, as if to head to the headmaster this very moment. Anything to make him better. Anything to bring him back.

 

James nodded, smiling with tears forming in his eyes.

 

He was so grateful.

 

How had he gotten so lucky?

 

He looked at him with the love of a brother.

 

Without warning, James got up from the bed and hugged him tight.

 

Breaking the hug, James fished something out from his pocket.

 

He handed it to Sirius, who looked at it with heightened senses.

 

It was James's pocket knife.

 

"Wha-," he started at a loss for words.

 

He didn't understand.

 

"I want you to have it," he explained.

 

Sirius still looked confused.

 

"It's a family heirloom," he continued.

 

Still confused.

 

Why was James giving him his father's pocket knife?

 

"You're my family," he finished.

 

Sirius stared at him.

 

His heart felt like it was about to explode. James had been his brother for so long, but this?

 

This meant so much to James. It was his last connection to his father.

 

It was his…

 

His thought trailed off. Did this mean he was really ready to stop?

 

Tears of happiness escaped him as he grasped him in his arms.

 

James smiled against him.

 

He knew Sirius was his brother, long before this moment.

 

Sirius had never been part of his own family, rather preferring to make his own.

 

James, Peter and Remus.

 

That was his family.

 

"You saved my life. I know I can never repay you, man," he told him truthfully. "So, consider this a small token and part of your birthday present."

 

Sirius broke the hug first but didn't let go.

 

"Are you sure?" he questioned, "I know it was your dad's."

 

Dad's.

 

Hurt flickered through him.

 

He smiled at him once more.

 

"I'm sure," he confirmed, "and we'll have a proper do for your birthday after the match on Saturday. You only turn 18 once."

 

Sirius stared at the knife, nodding absentmindedly, admiring the detailed work on the sides.

 

He really didn't care about his fucking birthday.

 

He really loved James, and he just wanted to know that he would find his way back to him.

 

And he was doing just that.

 

Slowly.

 

He could see flashes of the James that existed before. Before the war, before his dad, before Lily.

 

Before life hurt him.

 

Before she broke him.

 

Sirius's smile disappeared slowly.

 

Guilt flashed through him as he recalled what had happened earlier.

 

He should tell him.

 

He should know.

 

"Sirius, you ok?" James asked him concerned, letting him go.

 

"James I -," he hesitated.

 

He was in a good place.

 

He was going to move back in.

 

He had given up his pocket knife.

 

He was going to fucking kill him.

 

Maybe she hadn't understood what he had said.

 

Maybe she hadn't even heard him.

 

Maybe she thought he was overreacting.

 

Maybe he should stop being a fucking coward and tell him the truth before he hears it from anyone else.

 

"Prongs, I -," he tried again, only to be interrupted by the opening of the door.

 

Remus had walked in and he was very surprised to see James in their dormitory.

 

"Is this where you've been hiding all day then?" he raised an eyebrow at him.

 

Peter followed behind Remus, who also seemed surprised to find James there.

 

"Oh, hey guys," he waved awkwardly. He waved his injured hand through his hair, trying to look nonchalant.

 

His gaze was averted and he didn't look at them, knowing he would have to relive last night, but not really wanting to.

 

"What happened to your hand!" Peter exclaimed, as Remus snatched it to get a closer look.

 

James sat on the bed.

 

His hangover was still very much punishing him. With the addition of the others, it was a bit overwhelming trying to stay on his feet.

 

A wave of nausea hit him once more.

 

He rubbed his eyes with his free hand.

 

"I punched a wall," he said through gritted teeth. Remus was not being gentle. "Twice," he added meekly.

 

Remus watched him sitting on the bed.

 

"Are you hungover?" he asked him sternly.

 

James glanced at Sirius as if to ask for help.

 

Sirius raised his hands up in surrender.

 

This was his mess.

 

He was on his own.

 

He sighed.

 

"You knew?" Remus asked Sirius angrily.

 

It was easier to be angry at him than James. Sirius glared at him.

 

"Hey! I didn't get him drunk. I just found him and brought him here," he protested.

 

It sounded familiar.

 

Remus's glare softened.

 

For all his faults, Sirius always had their back when they needed it. Especially after last year.

 

He seemed to have stepped up big time.

 

"Where did you find him?" he asked turning to James, mentally preparing himself for the answer he knew was coming.

 

James lay back on the bed, with his legs dangling off the end. Closing his eyes, he took in a deep breath.

 

He was running out of time.

 

"You know where he found me Remus," his voice came out in an unstable whisper

 

Peter and Remus looked at him.

 

James was getting drunk again.

 

He was waking up with scars again.

 

He wasn't eating again.

 

He was skipping classes again.

 

But even last year he didn't miss a whole day of lessons.

 

Was he back to his dark ways? Was it escalating? Was there more he hadn't told them?

 

"Just tell them Prongs," Sirius's voice came through his mind, encouraging him.

 

"Tell them what?" Peter muttered solemnly.

 

He was getting very worried.

 

He studied him.

 

Similarities to last year were lining up.

 

He thought he was doing better. He seemed happier this year. It seemed that he had been working really hard to  _be_ better.

 

Had he lied to them?

 

"About him and Evans," Sirius quipped.

 

James glared at him from the bed.

 

 _What the fuck man?_ he yelled at him in his head.

 

Sirius just stared at him blankly.

 

_You know he's right. They should know._

 

"Lily? This has to do with Lily?" Remus asked incredulously.

 

What was happening in the world right now?

 

James said nothing. But he did raise the middle finger of his bandaged hand in Sirius's direction, while he closed and rubbed his eyes with his other hand.

 

He could feel the tension.

 

This was it.

 

Time is up.

 

Time to come clean.

 

Time to try and make them understand.

 

He could feel Remus getting aggravated.

 

He could feel Peter getting fidgety.

 

He could feel Sirius patiently waiting for him.

 

Losing patience, Remus started making his way to the bathroom.

 

"I slept with her," he thought he heard James mutter.

 

He spun around to make sure he had heard right. No-one was moving.

 

"I slept with Lily," he repeated again from the bed, defeated.

 

He placed a pillow over his head to drown out the silence, hoping against hope that it would choke him to death.

 


	8. Drown - Bring Me The Horizon

8\. Drown - Bring Me the Horizon

 

It was Friday. The day after the impact of James's drunken night. The day after his confession.

 

He hadn't told them everything, they knew that. They would wait. At least he was opening up.

 

He thought he would feel free.

 

But he didn't. He hated every moment of it.

 

Now that Remus and Peter knew, he was beginning to feel paranoid.

 

Everywhere he went, he was convinced that people were looking at him, talking about him, judging him.

 

He contemplated asking his friends, but he thought better of it. It wasn't the first time he would be asking, and he could tell that they were losing their patience.

 

He shook his head, trying to focus on the lesson at hand.

 

He had Transfiguration again and he didn't really feel like aggravating Professor McGonagall twice in one week.

 

He was successful for less than a minute.

 

His mind drifted to last night.

 

How Peter and Remus had helped him gather his belongings from the Head Student's quarters.

 

How Sirius had come with him to see the headmaster about moving his bed back into the Gryffindor dormitories.

 

How the headmaster's eyes twinkled with secret knowledge and understanding.

 

How he had stayed up with his brothers, talking about everything and nothing, planning Sirius' 18th birthday celebrations for that weekend.

 

As if it was the most important thing in the universe.

 

Because it was.

 

How they didn't push him. They knew he would tell them when he was ready. They understood.

 

James glanced at his friends, his love for them filling his heart. He was so  _fucking_ lucky.

 

He felt better than he had in way over a year. Things were starting to look up. He smiled to himself, turning back to the front in a renewed effort to take notes.

 

There was only one small issue that was bothering him.

 

Lily Evans had not taken her fucking eyes off him since breakfast. He knew, because he caught her glancing at him repeatedly. He knew, because he could feel her do it, every, single, fucking time.

 

He might have been paranoid about everyone else looking or talking about him. But he was sure about this.

 

He glanced at Sirius, silently begging him to help him. Sirius on the other hand, was actually taking notes from what Professor McGonagall was writing on the board.

 

He raised an impressed eyebrow.

 

Maybe he should be paying more attention.

 

His thoughts ceased as he felt her looking at him again, making his body freeze.

 

He peered at her. She looked away quickly, going red in the face.

 

_What the fuck?_

 

Did he see fear in her eyes? Was that guilt?

 

No. You're just being paranoid _,_  he told himself.

 

He focused on the writing on the board.

 

Dipping his quill into his ink bottle, he felt her again.

 

Without skipping a beat, without even a glance, he raised his middle finger to her.

 

He started writing, not quite grasping what he was reading, but copying down nonetheless, hoping Remus could explain later.

 

Retracting his hand, he ran it through his hair, trying to calm his spiralling thoughts.

 

Something was gnawing a him.

 

I don't care, he mentally told himself. I do not care what her fucking problem is _._

 

I'm out.

 

I'm done.

 

_You really do enjoy this façade, don't you, Jamsie?_

 

His blood ran cold and he turned to Sirius nervously.

 

Sirius was still writing.

 

_You didn't think I'd leave so easily did you?_

 

Just leave me alone, he told the shadows creeping in.

 

He looked down at his parchment, his injured hand trembling as he clutched his quill tighter.

 

_I'm a part of you, Jamsie._

 

He felt an ominous sensation sweep over him, making him sweat. His heart was beating faster and his chest was tightening.

 

 _I'll never let you forget it,_ he felt it smile it's twisted smile once more, stroking the memories he had carved into his arm.

 

His eyes shot around the room, making sure no one noticed the state he was in.

 

His eyes met emerald and he stopped breathing.

 

Her eyes flashed with worry at the sight of him.

 

He snapped his head to the front.

 

He wasn't being paranoid. Something was up with her.

 

"When you have finished copying off the board you may be dismissed," Professor McGonagall's voice penetrated him. "Remember, next week will be practising the spells we

discussed today."

 

Without completing his notes, he stuffed everything into his bag and stood up to leave.

 

Sirius and Remus looked at him sharply.

 

"I'm fine," he promised them. "I just need some air. I'll meet you at the pitch," he added to Sirius, turning his heel to bolt out the door, almost knocking over Lily who tried to get in his way.

 

He glared at her, trying to mask the electricity he felt at her touch.

 

Remus looked at Sirius, worried.

 

"He's fine, Mooney," he reassured him, not quite believing himself. "He's got nothing to hide from us anymore."

 

That was convincing, right?

 

"When was the last time he ate?" Remus asked him, looking towards the door James had ran out of.

 

He was going to miss lunch again.

 

They both started making their way to the Great Hall.

 

Sirius thought back at breakfast. Had he seen James eat anything? What about last night after the move?

 

"Last night I think?" he answered, unsure.

 

"Shit," Remus said under his breath.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

James almost ran to the Observation Tower.

 

It was empty this time of day.

 

He leaned against the wall with one hand, driving the other one through his hair.

 

"It's fine," he muttered, breathing heavily. "I'm fine. Everything is fine," he added.

 

He wasn't.

 

Breathing in the cold air steadily, he slowly regained some of his composure, even if he still felt shaky.

 

"It's fine. I'm fine," he repeated to himself, "it was just an anxiety attack. It's over. I'm fine."

 

He sank to the floor, leaning against the wall. He brought his knees up to place his hands on them, before burying his head in his arms.

 

_You could be if you really wanted to._

 

James groaned at the darkness.

 

Why won't it leave him alone?

 

 _I'm a part of you Jamsie._ It whispered softly.  _I'll never leave you. I promised didn't I?_

 

He was shaking, catching his hair in his fists. His eyes were burning, trying to repress the rush of terror building inside him.

 

"Just go away. Please just go away. Just leave me alone. I don't need you anymore. I'm fine," his raspy voice told the void.

 

 _You'll always need me Jamsie,_  the darkness stroked his arm once more.

 

James clawed at the markings he had left on his skin, wishing them away while simultaneously, the darkest part of him relished the stinging sensation his nails had when they made new ones.

 

"FUCK!" he screamed at his weakness.

 

Forcing himself to stop, he grasped his arm tightly, breathing heavily. He clenched his teeth vainly fighting his breakdown.

 

"Why can't I just be fine?" he asked the wind.

 

He had been fine last night.

 

He had been fine this morning.

 

He had been fine half an hour ago.

 

Why couldn't he just stay fucking fine?

 

_You're mine Jamsie._

 

He pulled out his cigarettes and lit one, forcing himself to control his breathing.

 

He watched the sky, wishing he could be far away from himself.

 

Finally able to keep his breathing normal, he let his right leg and arm drop to the ground. Leaving his left holding his cigarette, draped over his left leg.

 

He placed the cigarette between his lips and rubbed his eyes before driving his hand through his hair again.

 

"I'm fine," he told no one once more. Maybe if nobody heard him, someone would believe him.

 

Taking in the last drag from his cigarette, he flicked it over the edge of the tower, not particularly caring where it ended up.

 

He breathed out the smoke, feeling drastically more relaxed.

 

He focused on his breathing, closing his eyes.

 

Taking in a deep breath, he raised his right leg, bringing his right arm up to rest on it, palm towards the sky.

 

Slowly he pulled his sleeve up to reveal the damage he had caused.

 

He cursed loudly.

 

His nails had torn away parts of his skin making himself bleed. It wasn't the deep cuts he had been used to, but it was enough to stain his sleeve scarlet.

 

_Doesn't that feel better?_

 

He sighed, deeply disappointed in himself, rolling his head to the wall, closing his eyes, self loathing taking over his very being.

 

He really didn't want to answer that question.

 

"I'm not fine."

 

 _Atta boy Jamsie,_ the darkness smiled.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

He knew he was late for practice, but he felt dirty. He felt disgusted with himself and the steps backward he had taken.

 

He'd stayed up in the tower for longer than he anticipated, ending up smoking until his chest hurt to breathe, his mind a clusterfuck of various degrees of self hatred, disappointment and shame.

 

He couldn't believe he'd let the darkness win.

 

Again.

 

He needed a shower.

 

To wash himself from his actions. To clean his wounds. To soak his shirt.

 

He growled to himself again.

 

He reached the common room surprised to see Sirius still there.

 

He had been sitting with Peter and Remus. They seemed deep in conversation. Peter sat up at the sight of him.

 

"Prongs where the fuck have you been?" he exclaimed.

 

"Hey guys sorry," he mumbled quickly, making sure his sleeve remained hidden. "I needed some air and just ended up smoking. I lost track of time," he added meekly.

 

They stared at him closely, weighing his trustworthiness.

 

"Practice?" he changed the subject, looking between them.

 

"Yea it's still on," Sirius told him suspiciously. "A couple of the fifth years needed to go see Dumbledore for something so we had to postpone it for an hour. You ok, man?" had he noticed his sleeve?

 

"Yea! Yea I'm fine," he repeated hastily. "I just need a quick shower, I reek. I'll be back in five," he added and sprinted upstairs.

 

Sirius and Remus looked at each other confused.

 

"What is he having a shower for before practice?" Peter uttered the question on their minds.

 

They stared at each other in silence for a while, before Sirius decided to go check up on him.

 

Sirius pounded up the steps, dread filling the pit of his stomach.

 

He didn't want to be right, but he knew something was wrong. He'd seen something in James and he just wanted to make sure he was mistaken.

 

He approached the dormitory door and opened it quietly, so as not to surprise him.

 

He could hear James swearing in the bathroom.

 

Making his footsteps as light as possible he reached the bathroom door, pushing it open.

 

He saw him over the sink. The water was a cloudy shade of red and he seemed to be soaking his shirt?

 

He stepped closer, his heart sinking.

 

He was trying to clean his shirt. In the sink. From blood.

 

"James?" he asked tentatively.

 

He didn't hear him.

 

He seemed to be in a trance, angry at his shirt.

 

He got close to him, grabbing his hand, scared.

 

James's head snapped to him, but his eyes didn't seem to recognise him for a moment.

 

"It won't come off," he whispered, tears in his eyes.

 

"Hey, hey, hey. It's ok, James. I've got this," he told him. He pulled out his wand and whispered a spell under his breath.

 

The blood seemed to dissipate and James seemed to calm down.

 

Sirius grabbed both his arms in order to make James face him.

 

He saw him wince when he grabbed his right arm and Sirius glanced down at it.

 

His eyes shot up to his best friend's.

 

"What the fuck James!" he barked at his scratches.

 

James snapped his arm back from him, looking away. He felt so much shame enveloping him, he wanted to hide.

 

"It's fine. I'm fine. It's nothing," he told him.

 

"Like hell it is," he felt betrayed. "No more secrets. I can't keep doing this James. I can't keep running after you in case you do something stupid!"

 

"I didn't ask you to!" James retorted, shame making him defensive.

 

Sirius paused, feeling the anger take him over. He swallowed it down and spoke in a dangerous voice.

 

"Don't you dare push me away after all this fucking shit," his voice controlled but laced with pure fury.

 

James sighed.

 

Of course he wasn't going to push Sirius away. He was just reacting. Badly. He'd been alone in his mind for so long he wasn't sure how to connect his feelings and habit, to his actual life.

 

He felt like a fake. Someone living two lives, neither of which were enough to make him whole. The darkness inside him was seeping into his relationships. His relationships had no idea of the darkness lurking inside him.

 

"I had an anxiety attack ok?" he admitted, almost yelling.

 

Sirius watched him, waiting.

 

"Fuck," James muttered, closing his eyes, frustrated. He started pacing around the bathroom.

 

Why was this so difficult?

 

Just tell him. He'll understand. He's your best friend.

 

He let out a growl.

 

"I had an anxiety attack. I was starting to hyperventilate. I was shaking. I thought if I could get outside, get some air I'll be fine. I don't even know how I made it outside. It's just a fucking blur. Next thing I know I was clawing at my arm."

 

Sirius never took his eyes off him.

 

James ran a nervous hand through his hair, he never stopped pacing. He tried to keep his answers as short as he could, to stop himself from relapsing into another attack.

 

Sirius was standing in front of the door. There was no escape.

 

"So you're telling me you don't remember scratching yourself until you bled through your shirt," he stated, making sure he used a tone to convey his disbelief.

 

"Well when you say it like that it sounds ridiculous. But yes. As soon as I realised what I was doing I stopped myself," James told him earnestly.

 

Sirius's features seemed to soften.

 

"So….You didn't lie to me and Remus and Peter so you can go off on your own and do  _that_  voluntarily," he stated. It seemed as if he spoke mostly to himself.

 

"Promise me," he begged. Fear and worry replacing anger and fury.

 

"I promise you."

 

He tried to smile at him making a step toward the bedroom.

 

Sirius didn't move. Nor did he smile back at him.

 

He was reaching the end of his rope, smiling the last thing on his mind.

 

"Why?"

 

"Why what?" James asked confused.

 

"Why did you lose your shit. What caused it. Was it Evans?" he wanted to know.

 

Maybe if he knew, he could help.

 

Maybe if he knew, he would know what to look for.

 

Maybe if he knew, he would be able to prevent it.

 

He saw James hesitate, a battle raging within him.

 

He turned his eyes downcast, shaking his head.

 

"No it wasn't Evans," he told him truthfully. "I don't know how to explain it."

 

Sirius crossed his arms in front of his chest.

 

"Try."

 

A single word.

 

A dangerous lonesome word.

 

A hand went to James's head, grabbing at his hair desperately.

 

He felt a cold numbness taking his body over, paralysing him with anxiety.

 

He sucked in air between his clenched teeth, closing his eyes tightly. There didn't seem to be enough oxygen to breathe in, making him lightheaded.

 

"There's something inside me," he whimpered, trying to explain. "It's dark. It just takes over."

 

He breathed shallow breaths, prying his eyes open. Sirius was observing him closely.

 

"I can usually keep it under control," he continued, "but in class today, I don't know, I wasn't on guard. I was happy. And I wasn't even thinking about it. Or her. Or any of the bad shit. I was just so fucking happy."

 

He could no longer hold back the emotion of despair he'd been holding on for months, long before this, long before Lily.

 

Sirius eyed James carefully, still waiting.

 

There was more. He knew that. So he waited. He needed to hear it all, there would be no holding back tonight.

 

"It won't let me go and I don't know what to fucking do anymore," he told him, his voice full of pain. "I'm so tired, Sirius, I've been fighting it for so long. I'm so fucking exhausted."

 

There he was on the floor, again.

 

Against the wall, again.

 

Crying, again.

 

For fuck's sake.

 

Sirius couldn't take his eyes off him. He'd never expected that his pain ran so deep. It didn't even seem to have anything to do with Evans.

 

There was something inside him.

 

Something dark.

 

It takes over.

 

He sat on the floor next to him resting his arms on his knees.

 

James was not even trying to pretend anymore. He just hoped Sirius wouldn't think he was insane. Shaking his head, he buried it in his hands.

 

"Anything else?" he asked him softly, placing his hand on his head.

 

James sighed a broken sigh.

 

"It speaks to me," he told him meekly, without looking at him, speaking into his palms.

 

Sirius paused pensively.

 

"What does it say?" he questioned softly out of horrified curiosity.

 

James raised his head and leaned it against the wall.

 

"Nothing good," was all he could say.

 

"Why didn't you fucking say something before?" he was upset.

 

James felt terrible for keeping this from him, but the darkness had taken too strong a hold.

 

"It was inside me. I didn't know what to do, how to deal with it. I didn't want to drag you down with me. So I just sank into it. It was a part of everything I did," he confessed.

 

There was more. Sirius couldn't wait for him to be ready anymore. He needed to know. So he could find a way to protect him.

 

"When did it start?" he asked.

 

James could feel his soul tremble. He looked down, rubbing his eyes.

 

"Dad's disappearance," he admitted quietly.

 

There wasn't any point beating around the bush anymore. There was nowhere to run or hide. He was too tired for it.

 

He heard Sirius take a sharp intake.

 

"James, that was in the end of Fifth Year. At least a year and a half ago," he exclaimed.

 

"Close. 17 months, 2 weeks and 4 days," he specified.

 

"Shit," had it been that long already?

 

Had James really been trapped in the darkness alone for so long? How did he not notice? What the fuck was wrong with him?

 

"It's not your fault," he told him reading him. "There's nothing you could have done, trust me."

 

"Where does Evans fit in, in all of this?" he grilled further.

 

He was starting to put the pieces together and he could start making out the picture of what James had been living with for so long.

 

"Another distraction. From the distraction. When I was with her, I couldn't hear it talking to me. It wasn't supposed to be anything more than that," he paused, her words flashing in his mind, sending a jolt of pain through his heart.

 

"But I sought her out every time it would reappear. The more I was with her, the freer I felt. I felt safe. There came a time when I didn't want her to be a distraction. I wanted her to be real. I'd fallen for her. So  _fucking_  hard," he sighed.

 

"Then she tore me apart. And the darkness just swallowed me, deeper than ever before. I didn't have anything left inside me to fight it. A part of me didn't even want to." It seemed like he was talking just to get it off his chest. Finally everything was out in the open.

 

"James," Sirius began. He paused, not knowing exactly how to go on from here.

 

James did.

 

"But you saved me. In more ways than one. I want you to know that," he finally smiled at him, and Sirius found James again.

 

They sat in silence for a few minutes.

 

"You know this means, I'm never leaving your side right?" Sirius informed him matter-of-factly, smiling at him.

 

James chuckled. He knew.

 

"I'm really fucking sorry, Paddie," he muttered filled with shame, "I know I've said it so many times but I want you to know I meant it every time. I'm such a fucking disappointment," he rubbed his eyes, suddenly exhausted.

 

"If you told me all of this sooner, you wouldn't have anything to be fucking sorry about, you tit," Sirius told him affectionately, elbowing him in his arm.

 

James sighed deeply, nodding.

 

"I know," he whispered, "I just-"

 

"I know," Sirius interjected softly, "If you get another one just come find me ok? You don't even have to tell me anything you don't want to. Just tell me you want a fucking smoke or something and I'll get it. I'll go with you. Even if its just to sit in silence. I'll do it. I'll distract you with fucking bullshit if need be. Just come tell me," he urged him, his eyes boring into him.

 

"I do much prefer your company," James smiled brokenly, looking down at his hands absentmindedly.

 

"Off to a good start then," Sirius chuckled, patting him on his knee.

 

They remained silent for a few moments, together.

 

Merely being there, on the floor, together.

 

"We should really get to practice, the match is tomorrow," James broke the silence as started to get up.

 

He extended his hand to Sirius to help him up. Sirius grasped his hand but didn't let go when he was on his feet.

 

"You sure you're up for it? You look fucking exhausted. We can always practice in the morning before the game," he raised his eyebrows at him.

 

"Yea, I'm sure. It will clear my head of all the shit. It will keep me distracted," he smiled.

 

There it was again; that word - distraction.

 

He really surrounded himself with them didn't he?

 

"Alright, man I get it," he smiled warmly. "But there's one last thing," he said, pausing for a moment, "you'll have to tell Remus and Peter. Non negotiable."

 

James looked at him for a moment, then he sighed.

 

"Right. Ok, but you mind if I do it after the game? It's been a long fucking day, and I don't know if I can do all of that again tonight," he found himself mentally, emotionally and physically drained.

 

"Deal. I'll keep you to it," he hugged him and they made their way out of the bathrooms.

 

James quickly put on his Quidditch gear before leaving with Sirius for some practice, his heart and mind calmer than they had been in a very long time.


	9. I Buried Myself Alive - The Used

9\. I Buried Myself Alive - The Used

 

Remus was getting aggravated. When he got aggravated, he got fidgety. When he got fidgety, he tapped his foot on the carpet while he bit his bottom lip nervously.

 

He couldn't quite pinpoint the cause of his aggravation.

 

Perhaps it had something to do with Sirius and James coming back late from practice. He was sure something had happened earlier but they had both disappeared very conveniently.

 

He had shot Sirius a look, hoping for an explanation but none came.

 

Perhaps it had to do with Peter, and the fact that he had yet  _another_ date with his Hufflepuff girlfriend.

 

He'd missed his friends. He felt that they were all drifting apart and he was powerless to stop any of it.

 

He sighed.

 

Or perhaps it had something to do with a certain redhead, who had yet to leave. She had been sitting in the corner with Emma for most of the evening taking up all her time and attention.

 

He wanted to continue their conversation from earlier. He really wanted to talk to her.

 

It wasn't like he'd be able to tell her the whole truth, but he felt she deserved much more than what he had given her last year.

 

He needed to make it right.

 

He shook his head at his stupidity.

 

Why had he even tried? It was a risky move.

 

Had he not promised he wouldn't let anyone in on his secret?

 

It just didn't make sense to him at the moment. The more he thought about it, the more he just wanted to tell her.

 

He loved her. She would understand.

 

Right?

 

She had been the only woman to ever make him feel alive, even when he was surrounded by death.

 

He needed to keep reminding himself why the two of them had broken up.

 

He was dangerous.

 

He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he had hurt her like that. Even if he had hurt her in other ways.

 

His eyes went downcast, feeling shame for the way he had treated her last year. He was the lowest of the low.

 

But still.

 

He couldn't just tell her the real reason. He couldn't tell her how fucking stupid Sirius had been. He couldn't tell her how he had almost fucking killed someone and sent two of his best friends to hospital.

 

He couldn't.

 

_Why not?_

 

He cringed at the question that reappeared in his mind, the way it always did when he was having this conversation with himself.

 

_Just because your ex dumped you after finding out, didn't mean Emma would have. She loved you; truly loved you._

 

That's the part that had scared him the most. That small chance that she would just leave him after finding out.

 

That's why he had done it, he reminded himself again. One way or another, he would have lost her. But at least this way he wouldn't have killed her.

 

He shook his head, thinking once more, how lucky he had been that James had found out Sirius's fucked up idea of a prank.

 

Remus glanced around, as if to see if his thoughts would be safe to stray.

 

He saw that Lily and Emma were still talking in the corner in hushed voices, glancing around as if making sure not to be overheard.

 

Sighing, he allowed himself to sink into the memory of that fateful day, wishing he could find a way to tell Emma.

 

It had been cold that day, but nothing could prepare him or his friends, for the chill and horror of the night.

 

It had been a full moon of course, something that filled him with a mixture of emotions.

 

He hated the transformations themselves; they were painful, scary and drained him. But while a werewolf, he had no fear, and he felt he could do anything.

 

The fact that his best friends had found a way to spend those nights with him, so he never had to go through it alone had solidified their friendship into a brotherhood.

 

He had been overwhelmed by the support and love they had shown him.

 

A full moon had always reminded him of that.

 

He remembered that on that particular night, just before he had transformed, he glanced at the moon for a split second.

 

Within that split second he could distinctly remember thinking that something was out of place, but with his transformation in full effect, all human rationality and thought evaporated and he knew nothing of the night.

 

He had woken up the following morning in the hospital wing, finding Sirius and James in the beds beside him.

 

Severus Snape could be seen in the furthest corner or the wing, while Peter had been pacing between his friends' beds, horror stricken.

 

Something ominous struck at his heart and he immediately demanded the whole story from Peter.

 

It had taken a while, but after many incoherent sentences, threats, prompts and sideways glances at Sirius's sleeping form, he had finally received the full story.

 

It hadn't made him feel as better as he had thought it would.

 

He had almost killed someone.

 

The thought still plagued his mind. Even now, when he found his mind wandering, when he slept or even when he looked at Snape.

 

Sirius had been stupid enough to let Snape know where he went every full moon.

 

 _Fucking idiot_ , he shook his head.

 

When he found out what had happened that night, he tried as hard as he could to try and remember any bit of the night, but the only thing that stayed with him, was the smell of flesh and blood.

 

He remembered wondering whether or not he had smelled Snape or James. It wasn't a question that comforted him.

 

James had found out what Sirius had done and ran to help Snape, not even bothering to transform into a stag.

 

Apparently he himself had somehow escaped the Shrieking Shack and ran towards them.

 

Sirius, probably out of fear of his friend than anything else, ran to help, transforming into a dog.

 

No one had gotten bitten, he thanked Merlin for the millionth time since last year, but he was scarred nonetheless, albeit mostly emotionally and mentally.

 

He refused to allow himself to get close to anyone after that.

 

He had broken up with Emma; he even tried to break off the friendship with those he came to call brothers, and, going so far as to ask Professor Dumbledore to expel him.

 

They had refused to accept his decisions point blank, though it was James, yet again, who tried his hardest to mend the rift between Sirius and himself.

 

He was still trying, despite everything he had been going through.

 

Remus was amazed at his ability to do that. To be drowning in your head but still work your hardest to mend your best friends' relationship.

 

Good old James, Remus thought.

 

He had always had the capacity to put everyone before himself including running towards a werewolf to save the life of someone he despised.

 

He shook his head and remembered their conversation from the night before.

 

He had looked so small.

 

He could see flashes of piercing pain in his eyes. Remus recognised the darkness lurking within him, mirroring the darkness within himself.

 

He should have recognised it sooner.

 

Well not that it didn't make sense, Remus thought again.

 

He tried to remember when was the last time he had seen James smile from his heart.

 

Again he shook his head unable to remember the specific time he began seeing James change, when the sparkle in his eyes went out, when he stopped laughing when no-one was watching him, when he might have surrendered to those horrible sirens of the abyss.

 

What kind of friend was he not to have seen it sooner?

 

Then again, that was perhaps due to his innate inability to focus on anyone else's misery other than his own.

 

He sighed angrily to himself.

 

Remus shook his head, annoyed. He felt the guilt turning to cold waves that rippled in his chest.

 

He had been there, in the hospital wing, months after the prank incident, unable to comfort any of his friends due to the barriers he tried to erect to keep them safe.

 

Safe from him.

 

What a splendidly selfish and self-absorbed fucking thought.

 

He himself knew that there were scarier things that lurked in the shadows.

 

He remembered looking at James, pale and in deep slumber, his heart sinking, wanting to shake him awake yet being unable to move a muscle.

 

Much scarier things.

 

Sirius sat in the corner, just watching James, unblinking, covered in his blood. He seemed defeated, a shroud of self-loathing enveloping everything about him.

 

Remus could do nothing. For either of them.

 

Even after, when James had woken up, he was reluctant to get closer, hating himself for not being a better friend. He didn't know what to do or say.

 

But Sirius did.

 

He made him promise. He moved in with him. He was there for him, observing him, trying to protect him.

 

Remus watched at arms length, wishing he could do the same, wishing he could be there for him, wishing he believed his promises.

 

He wanted to believe more than anything that James had stopped his self-destructive habits, but something shameful inside him made him doubtful.

 

He watched as James had tried to move on, half-heartedly. Moving from one dependency to another, trying to find a replacement.

 

He could see him struggle, but Remus was unable to find a way to be there, no matter how much he wanted to show James that he was in fact  _there for him._

 

Merlin did he suck.

 

He shook his head again, driving an aggravated hand through his hair.

 

Something moved in the corner of his eye and his head snapped to its direction.

 

Lily and Emma were having a whispered argument, but he couldn't miss their eyes darting to him every now and again.

 

What had caught his eye was Lily's sudden motion of standing up.

 

"Ask him," she urged Emma. Emma for some reason looked horrified, shaking her head.

 

"No Lily. Please don't make me. You ask him," she pleaded.

 

"Emma he's your cousin. You know you want to know just as much as I do. We both know you are more likely to get straight answer," Lily said before she turned to leave the common room, not giving Emma the chance to answer back.

 

Of course Remus hadn't heard the complete conversation but he couldn't help feeling the nervous knot at the pit of his stomach tightening.

 

For some reason he wished James and Sirius would walk in right about….

 

 _Now_!

 

He stared at the portrait hole.

 

No one.

 

He grumbled at his misfortune.

 

But when he found himself sitting on the couch staring at the fire with the most beautiful woman in the world, he wondered whether or not his luck had indeed been bad.

 

"Hi," was all she said.

 

He could sense that she was nervous as well, so he made no move to get closer to her.

 

"Hi, Em," he replied. He couldn't take his eyes off her.

 

Emma felt a tingle of emotion run through her at the way he had said her name and the way he was watching her.

 

They sat together in silence, each wondering what to do next. They both had so many things to say to each other, they didn't know where to begin.

 

Emma cursed Lily for making her do this, while Remus cursed both Sirius and James for being at the same stupid Quidditch practice.

 

"Err so where's James?" she asked cautiously.

 

Remus became increasingly disappointed at the situation and began cursing James for different matters.

 

"Quidditch practice," he said in a monotone glaring at the fire.

 

She wanted to know about James?

 

"Oh yea, the Slytherin match tomorrow," she pretended to forget. "How is he? I haven't talked to him in ages," she added, trying to bring the subject more into focus.

 

"He's fine," he replied in the same tone.

 

He didn't think James would want Emma knowing anything. Even if she was his cousin, she was also Lily's best friend.

 

"Remus, can I ask you something about James?" she asked him.

 

Might as well be blunt about it if she wasn't getting the answers she wanted.

 

Remus pretended not to be surprised, which wasn't that hard, as he was more overcome with fear than anything else.

 

His heart started pumping cold blood through him, making him shiver. This could not possibly be good.

 

"Err sure," he muttered, glancing at the doorway. Was practice taking longer than usual?

 

"Do you know whether or not James has ever  _harmed_ himself?" she blurted in a soft whisper, the word harmed coming out barely audible, he almost missed it.

 

Almost.

 

He bit his bottom lip, hard. His mind raced as a chill ran up his spine.

 

"What? Why would you ask something like that?" he questioned her fast.

 

He really had a bad feeling about this.

 

He couldn't look at her.

 

Where the fuck had she heard it from?

 

He knew he wouldn't be able to lie to Emma. That's why their break up last year had almost destroyed him.

 

Suddenly he felt her soft hand on his chin, guiding him to face her. He had nowhere to look but into her eyes.

 

"Remus, tell me the truth, " she muttered in a low whisper.

 

Remus had barely heard her.

 

He was too mesmerised by her eyes. Gray blue with a ring of smokey green.

 

He resisted the urge to kiss her right there and then, even if every fibre of his being was fighting a war to make that happen.

 

"Remus, I need to know. He's my family and I'm worried about him," she went on.

 

Remus sighed and removed his chin from her hands, attempting to look away.

 

For a second he had been successful.

 

But he had to look back at her. He had to.

 

"I'm not the one you should be asking. If something like that is going on with James, then it's him you should be asking," he told her truthfully.

 

She looked at him, examining his soul; he could feel her searching for more information. Something that he might have hidden within him.

 

"You're right. I'm sorry to have bothered you Remus," she said with a sigh and began to get up.

 

His hand stopped her.

 

"You can bother me whenever you like," he whispered softly.

 

No matter the softness of his voice, the meaning of what he said lay heavily upon her, but she didn't move her hand.

 

"Remus…" she trailed off, leaving his name to linger between them.

 

They stared at each other, each of their eyes reflecting the other's, inching closer and closer.

 

Remus contemplated whether to kiss her or not, but before he managed to make up his mind, it had been decided for him.

 

Emma removed her hand from his and began to move away.

 

"Emma, I'm so very sorry," he whispered to her, not knowing if she would hear him. He could see the pain within her and he hated himself for causing it.

 

"It's alright Remus. You don't have to explain anything," she told him, stopping in her tracks turning to him.

 

"Yes I do. I have to explain. I need you to understand what-" he tried to tell her, but she cut him off.

 

"I do understand Remus," she smiled sadly, sinking his heart further. "I do. You stopped loving me. You don't have to explain anything. Really, it's quite understanda-" she tried to console herself, but this time he cut her off, with his lips.

 

He couldn't stand hearing her like this. The fact that she could possibly think he could stop loving her!

 

As if such a thing could ever happen.

 

No matter how much he had tried, he had always failed.

 

She plagued his mind, day in, day out.

 

The kiss was quick, lasting mere seconds but its impact was great.

 

He had missed her lips, her scent. The way she leaned into him when he brushed his lips against hers ever so gently, as if trying to fall into him.

 

"Don't you ever think that I ever stopped loving you. That I even could. If anything I love you more than I did then. That's why I need to explain. You have to understand-" he was yet again cut off, but not because of her.

 

The portrait hole opened and the Quidditch team entered, laughing and full of adrenaline.

 

James, glanced between Remus and Emma with a knowing look before making his way to their dormitory.

 

He watched him climb the stairs, wondering how he was doing. He looked exhausted and he knew he hadn't eaten all day.

 

Maybe he'll wander over to the kitchen and get him something.

 

When Remus turned back to talk to Emma, she was no longer there.

 

For the thousandth time that evening, he cursed James and Sirius, if not for anything else, just showing up.


	10. Lifeline - Thousand Foot Krutch

** 10\. Lifeline - Thousand Foot Krutch **

 

Sirius woke up early that Saturday with a start.

 

He tried to remember what he had been dreaming about, but for some reason the only thing he could connect to in his mind was a white room.

 

A room that looked strangely similar to the private quarters of the Hospital Wing.

 

He tried harder. Could it have been?

 

He shook his head, the images fleeting.

 

He looked over to James's bed before realising that he wouldn't be there.

 

Traditionally, he had always gotten up early on Quidditch match days.

 

He made his way to the showers, unable to shake an uneasy feeling building in the base of his stomach.

 

_I should get down there and see how he's doing._

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

James sat at the Gryffindor table, unable to eat his breakfast. Besides his nerves regarding the upcoming match, the essence of eating escaped him as of late.

 

He mentally thanked Remus for his midnight snack. It had probably been the only thing he had eaten all day yesterday.

 

"Are you just going to sit there and stare at it or are you going to eat it?" a voice said behind him.

 

His could have sworn his heart stopped beating.

 

How the fuck did she know he was going to be here?

 

Oh yea.

 

"What do you want Evans?" he muttered, not turning to her, his tone unwelcoming.

 

He didn't want to see her right now. He knew exactly how she looked in the mornings. His mind had memorised her from their time together.

 

She sighed dejectedly.

 

"I wanted to wish you luck before your game," she told him softly, her eyes darting to the seat next to him and back.

 

"Right," was all he said in the same tone.

 

Why was she just standing there. Why wasn't she leaving? Why was she doing this to him? Had he not asked her to leave him alone? Why didn't she care about what he needed? Why couldn't she just do what he asked her?

 

Lily stood behind him, apprehensive. James hadn't even looked at her.

 

She glanced at the bench next to him again, deciding to sit down.

 

For fuck's sake, he thought clenching his fists around his cutlery, this is the last thing I needed today.

 

"You moved out," she said. Was she asking him? Was she angry? Did he care?

 

"I did," he could feel the ice making its way through his veins as he struggled not to look at her.

 

"James," she started in a careful tone, leaning toward him.

 

He didn't like her tone, it felt like it would lead him down a very dark and winding road. He didn't like her being so close, it felt like his whole body was on fire and being frozen at the same time.

 

He shot up from his seat, almost knocking her over.

 

She looked at him in surprise.

 

"I told you before Evans. I don't want to play this game with you anymore. I can't. I need you to stay the fuck away from me and I need you to fucking respect that." He stopped to glance at her with as much contempt as he could muster.

 

"Not that you ever gave a shit about what I ever fucking wanted or needed." He shook his head, almost disappointed in himself for his outburst. "I have to go to the pitch," he mumbled hurriedly, quickly turning and striding out of the Hall.

 

Lily stared at his retreating back, frozen in time, unblinking. The anger radiating from him was palpable and it scared her.

 

How was she going to make it right if he wouldn't even let her come close?

 

She had hoped she could speak to him in the Head Student's quarters only to find Peter and Remus gathering all his things. Neither of them could make eye contact with her.

 

She sighed deeply.

 

So they knew now too.

 

More people to hate her.

 

Great.

 

Lily looked at her watch. It was only 7 o'clock in the morning. Didn't the match start at 8:30?

 

Outside the Hall, James leaned against the stone wall, breathing hard.

 

How is it, that he hadn't even touched her, yet she's still manage to get him in this state?

 

Life really wasn't fucking fair.

 

He looked towards the stairs, hearing approaching voices and footsteps. He made his way to the Entrance, exiting as fast as he could muster.

 

He couldn't stand the thought of being surrounded by people right now.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

Sirius rushed to the changing rooms.

 

He couldn't shake the sense of dread continuing to build. He thought it had to do with James being missing, but he couldn't be sure.

 

The day just felt off.

 

It worried him that James hadn't been at breakfast. He usually waited for the whole team to arrive and they would all head down together.

 

Sirius spotted him in the stands, sitting on the highest benches, leaning backwards over the edge, watching the clouds.

 

He sighed a sigh of relief.

 

"You ready mate?" he asked him as he approached him. He stopped beside him, not taking a seat.

 

James merely looked over at him.

 

"Mhmm," was all he said.

 

He glanced up at the sky once more before lazily pushing himself up.

 

"It's going to rain," he told him matter-of-factly.

 

Sirius didn't bother to argue with him. James had a strange sense for these things. He hadn't been wrong yet, he thought looking up to the darkening sky.

 

Reaching the bottom level, he was mildly surprised to see Emma and Lily walking toward them.

 

Sirius looked at them. Lily looked like she wanted to run away, while Emma was only watching James.

 

The knot in his stomach tightened in an instant and he glanced at James quickly. James was looking at them confused, running his hand through his hair.

 

Lily had stopped walking, eyeing Emma closely as she continued down the pitch.

 

Fuck.

 

Sirius was feeling sick. He could feel the tension in the base of his stomach twisting into a tight knot. He suddenly felt excruciatingly dehydrated as he swallowed down hard.

 

"Hey guys," she greeted quickly. "Sirius, do you mind if talk to James for a minute?" she asked him without removing her eyes from James.

 

James felt nervous, his eyes darting from Lily to her.

 

"Can't it wait until after the match?" Sirius tried to soothe his nerves.

 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

 

She gave him a pointed look, before setting her eyes back on James.

 

"No. It's important," she told him.

 

Sirius looked at James, who nodded at him to signify that he'd be fine.

 

"I'll meet you at the changing rooms," he muttered, eyeing Lily in the sidelines.

 

Why was she so fidgety? Had something happened?

 

Sirius gave him another sideways look before walking away.

 

Emma watched him walk away from them for a few seconds, before turning her attention back to James, observing him closely.

 

It unnerved him.

 

His eyes drifted to Lily again. Was she arguing with Sirius?

 

This isn't good, he thought. This was a mistake. He needed to leave.

 

"James," Emma's voice brought him back, his eyes never leaving Lily for long.

 

He noticed that she kept glancing at him just as anxiously. Was she crying?

 

He wasn't being paranoid was he?

 

What the fuck was going on?

 

"Yea?" he was distracted.

 

Emma knew she would have to take dramatic measures if she was to leave with answers to her questions.

 

"You know I love you right?" this caught his attention. His eyes fixed on hers, his heart beating like he was running up a hill.

 

"Yea?" he repeated hesitantly.

 

Something was definitely wrong.

 

"You would tell me if something was wrong, right?" she went on, ignoring the nervous jitters she was beginning to get.

 

She took in a few sharp breaths.

 

"Yea?" he only managed to repeat. It seemed like the only coherent word that he was able to utter out loud.

 

He really was not liking the direction of the line of questioning. It was making his hands convulse as he tried in vain to control the panic travelling through him.

 

She grabbed his bandaged hand gently, caressing the dressing.

 

"Did you do this on purpose?" she asked him softly.

 

His blood ran cold and his heart stopped.

 

"What?" he feigned incredulousness. "Where the hell did that come from?"

 

_What the fuck is happening right now?_

 

"James, you would tell me right? If you tried to hurt yourself?" her eyes were downcast, worried of the answers she would get from his eyes.

 

James's eyes flashed to Lily who was still arguing with Sirius. Well, it seemed that Sirius was yelling and she was just taking it, small tears falling from her eyes.

 

"Or worse?" he heard Emma mutter quietly.

 

His eyes found hers, filled with worry and fear. Just like Lily's have been lately whenever he connected with them. He looked back at Lily, unable to move.

 

He snatched his hand back as if it was burnt.

 

He searched her for answers. His mind reeling. He could have sworn his heart had stopped beating from the ice in his veins.

 

Something clicked inside him.

 

"Sirius," he whispered in repressed rage.

 

Without a word to Emma, he walked away from her, stomping his way to his 'best friend'.

 

_I told you he didn't care._

 

Why the fuck would Sirius do that? Why would he betray him like this? Had the darkness been right?

 

_I told you he never meant anything he said._

 

Before he knew it he was in front of him.

 

"You fucking told her?" he yelled at him. "I can't believe you fucking told her! Can't you just keep your fucking mouth shut just for once?"

 

James started walking away. He needed to get the fuck away from all of this. Emma's stares, Lily's tears, Sirius's betrayal.

 

Blinding fury was making him crave the shadows of his darkness, willing them to embrace him.

 

Sirius grabbed his arm, trying to stop him from walking away from him, knowing where he would run to instead.

 

"James don't! Please just let me explain," he begged him.

 

Without control or thought, James's hand formed a fist and connected to his jaw.

 

Hard.

 

Sirius struggled to stay on his feet. He grabbed his jaw in his hand, pain coursing through him. He looked up at him, a mixture of sorrow and shame shining through his eyes.

 

But there was no surprise in them.

 

"Fuck you, Black," James snarled before spitting at his feet. He turned his heel and walked away.

 

No one stopped him.

 

James wished someone had.

 

He wished someone would stop him and beat him to a bloody pulp.

 

He wanted that person to be Sirius, his best friend.

 

But no one did.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

"Have you seen James?" Abigail Davies, the new fourth year Gryffindor beater, asked Remus anxiously.

 

Remus looked at Sirius, Lily and Emma before looking back at Abigail.

 

He and Peter had heard what had happened. They had been up in the stands waiting for the game to start, but their house team weren't appearing.

 

They came down to figure out what was going on.

 

Each of them wished they hadn't.

 

"No, we haven't seen him," he muttered dejectedly.

 

"Madam Hooch said that if we don't go on in 5 minutes we're going to be disqualified," she told them frustrated walking off.

 

There had been various reasons she had been positioned as a beater and her quick temper was one of them.

 

Remus watched her walk away, before turning back to the others.

 

"Any ideas?" he asked them in a low tone.

 

He couldn't bear to see his friends so shattered. Lily seemed lost, Sirius was still massaging his jaw, Peter was fidgeting again and Emma was, well, gorgeous.

 

He didn't want to focus on her, so he kept glancing everywhere else. There were no answers, but if he would be frank, he knew that they would be none.

 

He had already sprinted to James's favourite hiding place, but unsurprisingly it had been empty. He knew more than one place to go to for solitude.

 

"What about the map?" he asked Sirius.

 

Sirius looked at him intensely as he glanced between him and the girls.

 

"This isn't the time to hide anything like this Padfoot," he almost growled at him.

 

He watched his friend hang his head. He would have felt sorry for him had this entire mess not been entirely his fault.

 

"What map?" Emma asked them, feeling left out of the conversation. But it wasn't Remus or Sirius that answered.

 

"It's a map that shows the exact location of everyone on the castle grounds," Lily told her.

 

Everyone looked at her.

 

"He told you? I can't believe he fucking told you!" Sirius shouted incredulously.

 

This time everybody threw him a look. He cowered away from the glares.

 

"Fine thing for you to complain about, Padfoot," Remus told him, this time neglecting to hold back his growl.

 

"Right," he went on, as he ignored a dejected Sirius, "Lily you should go inform McGonagall, that the match might not take place, Emma -" Remus began, but someone stopped him.

 

"That won't be necessary," a voice behind them said. They all turned around to see James, looking more tired than usual.

 

But he wasn't watching them; he couldn't bear it, so he looked straight ahead as he passed them by, fists clenched.

 

"James!" Lily shouted after him. He stopped for a few seconds, without turning around as if thinking whether or not it was a good idea.

 

Lily hadn't realised she held her breath, until he shook his head and walked away.

 

"Padfoot, we have to go," he said in a dead tone, without a glance. It sent a shiver up Sirius's spine, making him gulp uneasily.

 

Maybe out of habit, or maybe because he came to anticipate James's reactions, Sirius's eyes wandered down to his friend's arms, noticing that his previously clean bandage, was turning red.

 

He closed his eyes letting the shame and guilt drift over him.

 

Sirius began to move toward the pitch, but stopped beside Lily eyeing her closely, knowing she'd noticed too.

 

"Thanks, Evans," he snarled at her. "I hope you got what you fucking wanted."

 

She could do nothing but stare at the same spot where James was last seen, cold sweat paralysing her from within.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

"And now, Ladies, Gentlemen and Slytherins! The moment we have all been waiting for!" John Reeves, a sixth year Hufflepuff, called out from the commentator's stand, ignoring the boos and laughter from the crowd.

 

"Introducing the Slytherin team! This year, it appears Captain Lucinda has gone for size rather than actual talent this year. I for one, am glad that she has chosen a different strategy from captains before her," he went on, earning more laughter from the students. McGonagall growled behind him.

 

"And on with the team! Captain Lucinda Talkalot, Long and Snape are the beaters, Avery and Malfoy are this years chasers, while a new Keeper has been found to replace Daniels, that would be Richards and the remaining member is Black Junior as seeker!" the Slytherins cheered on loudly.

 

"For the Gryffindor team! We have James Potter back as Captain this year, also as chaser, along with Bishop. Williams, Abigail Davies, working with Black, filling the position of beater. Gryffindor keeper is Clayton, while another new member, replacing last year's seeker, Thomas, we have Malcolm Fox!" Reeves called out with a lot more enthusiasm than before.

 

"The captains shake hands. Madam Hooch blows the whistle and they're off!"

 

From the very beginning, the game seemed to take a very interesting turn.

 

James being in a shitty mood seemed to have shifted the dynamics of the team. He didn't go along with the strategies that they had been practising for so long.

 

Malcolm knew he had to spot the snitch early in the game, otherwise they could very well lose the game.

 

It was never good when their captain wouldn't follow his own fucking plans.

 

"Slytherin scores! 10-0!" Reeves shouted.

 

Many grunts and boos were heard from the crowd, but none as noisy as the Slytherins' triumphant yelling.

 

Fucking focus, you fucking twat, James mentally shouted at himself.

 

He knew he had to follow the strategies they had been working on, but for some reason his body didn't listen to his mind.

 

He watched as Snape flew over to Avery, telling him something, before turning and pointing at Sirius.

 

His anger grew and he could feel himself start losing control of his broom as he started to shake.

 

He knew they were planning something and no matter how pissed off he might be with his best friend, he was still just that.

 

He only had seconds to react when both Snape and Avery hit the bludgers in his direction.

 

He flew as fast as he could to Sirius' direction. Apparently, Sirius had only seen Avery hit the bludger, while the other one, Snape's, was flying toward his back.

 

"Sirius behind you!" Remus yelled as loud as he could.

 

But there was no time, as the bludger approached Sirius, James flew behind him and punched it as hard as he could with his uninjured hand.

 

Everything fell silent for a grand total of 10 seconds, where the rest of the chasers of the Gryffindor team found the chance to score a few more goals, as the keeper of the Slytherin team felt obliged to stare at the Gryffindor Captain.

 

Everything went back to normal as Reeves shouted out the latest score.

 

"70-60 to Slytherin!" his voice boomed in the pitch. There was a fair share of booing and victory yells.

 

For those 10 seconds, Sirius stared at James before looking down at his bruising hand.

 

James stared back, with empty indifference in his eyes.

 

"James…" Sirius began, but got interrupted by Reeves' announcement, and turned quickly to look up at the scoreboard.

 

When he turned back to see James, he had gone, flying off in the direction of the goals with Abigail.

 

Lily stared after him as he flew around the pitch with a pain weighing on her heart.

 

That had to have hurt, she thought to herself.

 

She mentally slapped herself. Compared to all the pain she'd put him though in the past year, that had to have felt like a kiss.

 

She cringed as her guilt took over and she blamed herself for everything, her eyes remaining on James, watching him closely.

 

"And Malcolm goes in for a dive! Has he seen the snitch? Yes he has! And Black follows, hot on his tail! This is going to be a close one!" Reeves' voice failed to conceal his excitement as the two seekers dove to the ground.

 

In the meantime both teams worked harder than ever to score a few more goals in case the game actually finished.

 

All except for one individual of the Slytherin team.

 

Snape eyed James zooming around, hatred boiling up inside him.

 

 _Interfering piece of shit!_   _Bloody arrogant bastard!_  He thought.

 

He saw a bludger in his line of vision as he decided he was in the mood for some revenge.

 

_Smug fucking bastard. Thinks he's better than everyone else. Thinks he's a hero because he didn't let his friend fucking eat me._

 

_Prick._

 

He flew towards it.

 

"And Malcolm gets it! Gryffindor win! 100-260 for Gryffindor!" But Reeves' voice could barely be heard through the cheering crowd.

 

Snape reached the bludger,waiting for the perfect opportunity, just as the score was being announced.

 

 _Perfect timing_ , he smiled devilishly. He aimed and hit it as hard as he could towards James.

 

James was celebrating the victory with the rest of his teammates, anger momentarily forgotten.

 

Sirius found the opportunity to try to talk to him.

 

But he never got the chance before he heard a scream coming from somewhere in the crowd. He turned to look for the source of it.

 

It had been Lily, but what was she shouting?

 

It was unbelievably hard to hear anything over the celebrations.

 

He followed to where her hand was pointing. A bludger heading straight for James. Without thinking he shouted to him as well, trying to get closer to him.

 

"James!" but it was too late. He was hit square in the back, the contact pushing him forward where he fell towards the ground, head first.

 

Everything went black.

 

Slowly, small drops of rain began to follow him to earth.

 


	11. The Amity Affliction - All Fcked Up

**Chapter 11: The Amity Affliction - All Fcked Up**

 

Despite not wanting to leave his friend, Sirius tried to make his way back to his dormitory, tormented by images of a falling James.

 

He shook his head, collapsing in his bed without changing from his soaking clothes. 

 

He lay there, facing the darkening ceiling, visions of James falling through the sky before his eyes. He was watching it all happen again and again and again, and he couldn't do anything to stop it.

 

He couldn't save him.

 

_ Maybe I never could. _

 

He was filled with the kind of absolute fear he had only faced once before.

 

In his mind, James fell again.

 

That sound.

 

That horrible, twisted and disturbing sound of his best friend hitting the ground.

 

He covered his eyes with his arms as if to shield his eyes from the image that plagued him.

 

That sound, though.

 

That sound would stay with him forever.

 

Every time he saw James fall, he tensed, clenching his arms tighter around his face, waiting for that sound to echo through his mind.

 

If he hadn't been such an asshole, James would have been fine. He wouldn't have been angry. He wouldn't have been distracted. He wouldn't have missed it. 

 

He would have been fine.

 

If only he hadn't been such an asshole.

 

Rubbing his red eyes, ridding himself of unwanted tears, is how Remus found him. He stood at the doorway, watching his friend, silently contemplating whether or not to disturb him.

 

“You coming in or not, Mooney?” Sirius' voice softly interrupted his thoughts. 

 

The sound of it broke his heart, Sirius seemed so grim and pained. 

 

He remained lying on the bed, covering his face. In Remus' eyes, it seemed as if he had shrunk and faded against the dark bedding. For a moment he considered going to him. To comfort him.

 

It was unnerving to see him like this. 

 

He had only seen him like this once and that was enough to last him a lifetime.

 

Merlin he had been so fucking naive. 

 

“I'd rather not. I already have one friend in a coma, don't particularly fancy watching another one fall into one,” he said instead, his voice barely a whisper, shaking his head once more, turning to leave, his hand on the doorknob.

 

“It's all my fault,” Sirius muttered silently from the bed. 

 

Remus sighed deeply with a heavy heart.

 

He glanced in his direction, unmoving. He watched him closely for a few moments, amazed by how far he had come since last year. Once so arrogant and boisterous, what he saw before him was anything but.

 

He finally seemed to recognise the gravity of his actions. James's injuries  _ that _ night definitely drove that message home. But it seemed that if his friends were in danger, Sirius had always stepped up.

 

Then there was...

 

Remus shook his head trying not to think of James in another, different, situation.

 

James.

 

How had he not see it? Had he really been that self absorbed? Had he been just as arrogant as Sirius, to believe that his pain was bigger and more important than anyone else's?

 

“No it isn't Padfoot,” he replied softly as he closed the door, feeling a sense of guilt twist inside him.

 

“Yes. Yes it is,” he answered, uncovering his eyes and revealing bloodshot eyes. 

 

But there was no one to hear him.

 

ooOOooOOoo

 

Remus made his way down to the Gryffindor common room staring at his feet in contemplation, unaware of watchful eyes. 

 

He reached the couch by the fire, accepting the glowing distraction as well as the warmth it offered him.

 

He sighed deeply at the sense of shallow comfort it provided.

 

He silently began to wonder how things had gotten to be so bad; between his friends, between Lily and James, even between him and Emma.

 

As she entered his mind, her scent flooded his senses and he prepared himself for their

encounter.

 

“Hi, Remus,” she whispered uneasily, not knowing how to act. She stood close to the couch, playing with her hands.

 

“Emma,” was all he said to acknowledge her presence; it was all he could do to hide his racing heart. He watched as his hands fidgeted awkwardly in his lap.

 

He no longer knew how to act around her after their kiss. It didn’t matter that his eyes watched every single move she made, or that his heart rate increased when she smiled, or even how he would tremble as he felt her grey eyes on him.

 

Besides, he reasoned, was there any point in hoping after something that was most probably never going to happen? 

 

He scoffed at himself out loud, shaking his head at his stupidity.

 

He was being a fucking idiot.

 

Especially after the way he had treated her. 

 

“Err, Remus?” he looked at her, stepping out of his morbid and self-loathing thoughts. “You mind if I sit down for a sec?” she asked him shyly, her features darting anywhere but in his direction.

 

“Sure,” she replied, taken aback by the question. 

 

He moved slightly to allow her some space; more out of creating some sort of distance between them than anything else. He wasn’t sure how well he would cope if accidentally touched her. 

 

What would escape him.

 

He made the effort to avoid looking at her.

 

He knew what would happen if he did in that moment, so he tried his hardest not to, but it was in vain. 

 

He knew that.

 

Merlin was he a fucking idiot.

 

He knew all of that. 

 

He knew how his heart would skip a beat, how his breath would be caught in his throat, how he would feel the want to touch her pulsing through him and that he would most likely give in.

 

He fucking knew all of that.

 

But he looked at her anyway. 

 

The moment he glanced at her, all the feelings he was trying to fight came crashing through his chest, rushing back to him, mixed with new waves of self-disgust and hatred. 

 

How stupid and selfish he must have been to have let her go, with no explanation or any chance to be forgiven. 

 

Perhaps she would have still wanted him in her life. Perhaps nothing would have changed. Perhaps she would have learnt to love him for who he was. 

 

Perhaps.

 

But it was too late now. 

 

There was no redeeming himself anymore. What's done is done and due to his fears and doubts, he couldn't explain it all away. 

 

He had hurt her too much to ask her for something as great as to be forgiven. He didn't even know if he could forgive himself.

 

“How are you doing?” she asked tentatively, as if cautious of his thoughts.

 

Miserable.

 

“Considering the circumstances, not bad,” he answered vaguely, willing his eyes to look away from her.

 

Unable to remove himself mentally or physically from her, he surrendered to watching her as she nodded inattentively staring at the fire before them. 

 

He found himself mesmerised once more, as he watched the fire illuminate every single strand of her hair like an angel. Her face, that had appeared tired when she first approached, now seemed to be refreshed and comfortable.

 

He only averted his gaze when she turned back to him.

 

“How's Sirius?” she asked, equally as tentatively.

 

“Not so good. He blames himself,” he replied quietly, as if that simple statement explained it all. 

 

It did.

 

Silence fell between them as they stared ahead into the darkening fire.

 

“Lily?” he finally asked, not quite sure he wanted to find out. He wasn't sure how he felt about her since James had told them about their 'relationship'.

 

He’d always liked Lily, but he never expected her to be so cruel. 

 

She sighed deeply. 

 

His heart beat faster at the sound.

 

“Considering the circumstances, shit,” she replied, she rubbed her eyes, her eyebrows forming a deep frown as if in pain. “She's still at the Hospital Wing. She refuses to leave without seeing him. She blames herself.”

 

Remus nodded grimly. He knew she would.

 

How had things gotten this way, he wondered. 

 

Where were the times when they were fifteen and without a care in the whole world? 

 

They had been sheltered from the war that was raging outside these walls.

 

So sheltered they were in fact, that they hadn't even known how bad things had gotten outside Hogwarts until James's father disappeared in the line of duty. It seemed that fate had found other ways to rob them of their childhoods, thrusting them so violently into adulthood. 

 

Adulthood that, so far, seemed to have been made out of lies, betrayal, hatred, pain, suffering and loss. 

 

He doubted those around him wanted this life any more than he did.

 

All he wanted to do was turn back time, have his best friends back, like they used to be, as well as, the love of his life. He just wanted everything to have stayed exactly how they had been before the end of their Fifth year.

 

Before everything changed.

 

He was painfully aware that that was impossible.

 

He sighed, shaking his head again. It was becoming a habit that he knew would last a

lifetime.

 

“Are you ok Remus?” Emma's melodious voice broke through his bantering mind. He looked at her, devouring her through his glazed eyes.

 

“What happened to us Emma? What went wrong?” he asked her desperately. 

 

It was a stupid question, he knew that but he wanted to know how she felt.

 

“I don't know what you're talking about Remus,” she replied coldly, determined to avoid the subject he wanted to talk about. 

 

She turned back to the fire, hoping he would drop the subject.

 

Remus persisted.

 

“To us! What went wrong? To you and me,” he was being stupid and he knew that, but for some reason that didn't seem like an important enough motive to stop.

 

She took in a deep breath. 

 

When she looked back at him, her eyes were cold with suppressed rage and pain. He never realised until this very moment, the extent of the pain that he brought on her. Even when he convinced himself that he had done what he did for her protection, it never really occurred to him that she would be hurting than him.  

 

It wasn’t even just Emma.

 

All this time he was too involved on how lonely and in pain he himself was that he didn't even realise that those closest to him were suffering as well; James, Lily, Sirius, Emma…

 

“I don't know what happened, Remus, you never told me. I never found out. You dumped me without an explanation, remember?” her voice came out in a tone that matched the coldness in her eyes. 

 

She stood to leave.

 

“I didn't want to,” he blurted out from the couch, making her stop in her tracks. She turned to face him, her emotions visible through her questioning eyes.

 

“I didn't want to break up with you,” he repeated in a soft voice, as if begging her to stay and forgive him. Trying to convey to her how much he missed her, how much he still loved her.

 

For a split second it seemed like it had worked, her resolve appeared to be melting away. 

 

She blinked and it was gone, her eyes were flashing with renewed anger.

 

“But you did Remus. You did, and that makes a fuck load of difference,” she hissed at him.

 

This time there was nothing he could do but watch her walk away from him and disappear into her dormitory.

 

So taken was he by the way she looked and what she had said that he didn't even become

conscious of a dark figure passing through the shadows beside him, making his way through the portrait hole.

 

ooOOooOOoo

 

So slowly did he walk, that he made no noise. So entwined was he with the shadows, that he could not be seen.

 

He wanted to be by his best friend's side until he woke up, no matter how long it would take for that to happen. 

 

He had taken Jame’s Invisibility Cloak just in case, tucking it securely under his own cloak.

 

He had found himself unable to sleep.

 

The memories he had only began to forget, coming back to haunt him with a vengeance.

 

A shiver went up his spine as he remembered every detail of the worst day of his life. 

 

He shut his eyes for a few seconds, allowing his memories to punish him for the role he had played in James's hurt.

 

He was still unable to forget so much red against so much white.

 

He knew where James' mind had gone after he had punched him. He, Sirius Black, drove his best friend back into the isolated hole of darkness where he had found him only twice before.

 

This time he had been there because of  _ him _ , because of  _ his _ actions, because  _ he  _ was a shitty, shitty, fucking friend.

 

After everything they’d been through over the past few days. 

 

He tried to shake the memories of  _ that _ night, barely six months ago, as they crept into his mind. His defences shattered he allowed the flashing images to consume him.

 

James, slumped up against the wall, with the pale moonlight illuminating the most horrifying night of his life.

 

The vision giving him pause, he stopped to take in a shaky breath, his hand grasping at the wall for support.

 

It was Sirius that had found him. 

 

It had been Sirius who had insisted on them going out that night, to have fun over the victory of Gryffindor getting the cup final. Instead of joining, he had said that he was tired and was going to get rest. 

 

That alone had to have been enough to make him stay. 

 

No matter how tired James ever was, he would always celebrate Gryffindor's victories. He had not seemed himself for weeks; he had been distant, quiet, buried in darkness and solitude.

 

Sirius and James had always shared a special bond, one that had always made Remus and Peter to feel slightly like outsiders, he knew. So alike, yet so very different at the same time, like they were meant to be brothers but fate wouldn't allow it.

 

He felt a flood of pain and misery pierce his chest the moment they had walked out the door. 

 

He had been taken over by an overwhelming desire to just turn around, to stay with him. 

 

_ I should have just fucking stayed,  _ the thought filling him with sorrow.

 

Yet, all he did was stare at the door for a few seconds, before being summoned by Peter's joyful shouting.

 

_ I left him _ , the acknowledgement replacing the sorrow with shame.

 

It was a while later, when that same pain shot through him, fiercer than ever before, that made him bolt from the festivities that surrounded him and ran as fast as he could to find James. 

 

Instinctively he knew where he would be.

 

James had joked about finding a secret room away from them in their third year. He had followed him and saw him go through the painting.

 

He had never told him, and it was unlikely James would ever have known that Sirius had found his hiding place, had it not been for that night. 

 

He found him in that fucking room, and for the first few seconds he had convinced himself that everything was alright.

 

“James?” his voice was soft and quiet, yet it cut through the shadows of the room as if he had shouted out. 

 

His heart pounded louder in response. His steps soft as he made his way quietly and hesitantly toward the figure sitting on the long table in the corner by the window.

 

The moonlight was playing tricks on him. 

 

The dark sheets on the furniture seemed to gleam under it, making them look red.

 

So much red.

 

He reached him, his heartbeat deafening. He was shaking with unease.

 

James was barely breathing.

 

He had sunk against the wall in an awkward angle on the table. His left hand clutching his right, his chin resting on his shoulder.

 

Sirius's heart finally stopped. 

 

James's eyes were closed, as if he'd been sleeping deeply for a while. Sirius tried to wake him up.

 

He noticed streaks of red escaping his clutching fingers. He shook him, touching his arm, not wanting to comprehend what his heart and mind already knew.

 

"James?" he asked once more, with more urgency.

 

James's eyes fluttered as he tried to focus on him, on anything.

 

Sirius finally breathed.

 

"Paddy?" he murmured.

 

Sirius tried to smile at him, relief briefly jump starting his heart. He grabbed his head, pressing his forehead up against his. His cheeks were moist and Sirius wasn't sure when he'd started to cry.

 

"I - I think I fucked up Paddy," he struggled to mutter, his eyes too weak to stay open.

 

Sirius looked down trying to pry James's hand away. 

 

Weak and unable to fight back, James let go.

 

Sirius gasped, his hand snapping up in an effort to stop the wound.

 

"I fucked up, Paddy," James repeated. "I'm sorry," his breathing was coming out laboured. "I -I thi-think I went too d-deep this time." 

 

It's at these words, Sirius looked down again and for the first time, he grasped the depth of James's despair. Pink and red lines up and down his forearm, disappearing up his sleeve.

 

"It's ok, Prongs, you're going to be ok," he held his arm tightly, looking around for anything to stop the bleeding. There was so much of it, filling his vision. 

 

"I'm sorry," James's voice came out weak, barely audible.

 

Panic in Sirius rose tenfold and he gave up trying to rip the cloth that covered the furniture. It was taking too long and he couldn't focus on anything but his best friend.

 

His hurt, bleeding, dying friend.

 

"It's ok James. I promise, you're going to be fine. I'm taking you to the Hospital Wing ok?" he informed him.

 

He had picked him up, making sure that James's bleeding arm was pressed up against him for pressure.

 

"Don’t tell mum," he murmured against him.

 

James's eyes shut once more, his grip loose.

 

Sirius remembered running to the Hospital Wing, carrying James, tears streaming down his face.

 

He'd made it in time, he remembered. 

 

_ Barely _ , Madame Pomfrey muttered to herself.

 

Sirius remembered sitting beside him, watching the scene as if it were a muggle movie and he wasn't really there. As if his best friend hadn't just given up, as if he wasn't sitting there, covered in his blood. 

 

He remembered looking at his bloodstained hands as they shook.

 

He watched his soaking hands clench into fists, felt his eyes leak with emotion, the shallow breaths that were escaping his lungs.

 

He was  _ aware _ of how his body was reacting, but he was numb.

 

He remembered thinking it wasn't real. None of it was. 

 

This wasn't happening. 

 

It couldn't be.

 

Through it all, a single thought ever present in his mind.

 

How did he miss this? 

 

What kind of fucking friend had he'd been that he'd fucking miss  _ this _ ?

 

_ I'm sorry Paddy, I fucked up. _

 

James's voice still echoes through him to this day.

 

No James, he would always retaliate, I fucked up. I'm sorry. I should have been there. I should have seen it. 

 

I should have been better. 

 

I'm so sorry.

 

He remembers the words because he recited them in his mind over and over and over.

 

He wanted to tell him those words. He wanted to apologise. He wanted to hug him. He wanted to save him. He just needed a chance.

 

Remus and Peter appeared early in the morning. It had been a blur for Sirius, maybe one of the Professors had told them? Maybe they looked for them everywhere when they didn’t show up back at the dormitory?

 

Either way, they didn't push him. They never would. They were all thinking the same words. The same shame, the same doubt.

 

They sat in silence for days on end, taking shifts. Never really speaking, never leaving him completely alone. 

 

That wouldn't be happening ever again.

 

He didn't realize he had dug his fingers into the wall, bleeding from the pressure. He breathed heavily as tears ran down his cheeks, the memories making his body vibrate with emotion.

 

He clutched his chest tightly, trying to grasp at his heart, trying to make it stop beating so quickly, trying to squeeze the ache from its depths.

 

He looked down at his hands and he swore he could still see blood all over them.

 

It was all real, all over again, the pain, the sorrow, the blame and loathing. He took in a few more deep breaths as he tried to steady himself.

 

He thought he had changed. 

 

He thought he had grown up. 

 

_ What a fucking joke. _

 

He was still the same shitty friend he was last year. Still the weak asshole who couldn’t do anything right but hurt his friends. Still unable to help those that mattered most to him. 

 

He growled, pushing himself off the wall, renewed determination coursing through him.

 

He couldn't do this now. He had to be strong for his friend, his brother. He would do whatever it took to take care of him and set everything straight again.


	12. Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional

**Chapter 12 : Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional**

 

She managed to convince Madame Pomfrey to let her stay next to him. 

 

As Head Girl. 

 

She entered the room with her but she froze at the doorway as the matron busied herself with his pillows and his blankets.

 

The first thing she noticed was his hair. Usually so unruly and disorganised, sticking up all over the place because of the constant ruffling, now lay matted from the rain, pushed to the side, presumably for Madame Pomfrey to check his injuries.

 

As her eyes moved down his silhouette, she could see he was wearing a hospital gown, his quidditch uniform in a heap on the floor, covered in blood, mud and rain. 

 

Her heart momentarily stopped beating as she examined him. She couldn't see much of the whole picture, but she daren't go any closer. His left hand was bruised and covered in drying blood, while his right, from what she could see, had been bandaged with a fresh dressing.

 

He lay under the white hospital bedding, as if asleep. But his colouring was all wrong; he seemed paler against the sheets, more fragile. 

 

There seemed to be quite a large bruise appearing on the left side of his face. She could see small cuts across his lips and close to his eye.

 

The contrast of the bruising and blood against his ashen complexion made her shake.

 

The room was spinning, as the air felt like it had been sucked out in an instance. She needed to sit down. She wanted to run to him. She wanted to run away.

 

She stood by the door, waiting for Madame Pomfrey to finish her fussing and leave. She didn't take her eyes off him for a single second, willing him to wake up.

 

But he didn't.

 

Her legs weren't feeling strong enough to support her.

 

As Madame Pomfrey exited, closing the door behind her for privacy, she rushed to his side, almost collapsing over him.

 

Alone, she didn't hold back.

 

She grasped his face in her hands, bringing it close to hers. Tears escaped her as she kissed each scar. She traced the length of the bruise, wincing at its roughness.

 

"Please, be ok. Please, be ok," she chanted, closing her eyes tightly praying. "You can hate me all you want James, just please be ok."

 

She opened her eyes, hoping that would have woken him. Her lip trembled as she let out an inaudible cry.

 

She stroked his hair softly.

 

She pulled herself up to watch him. 

 

She moved to his right side, taking his hand. She had been transfixed by the bandage. She had seen him with it earlier and wondered what had happened; a sense of morbid curiosity taking over.

 

She turned his hand over, trying to find the point to unwrap it.

 

She gasped, as she brought up his sleeve, raising a hand to her mouth.

 

Moving his hand had revealed a long scar that didn't match the rest. She remembered some of the small ones, some of the old ones.

 

But there were more than she remembered, some newer, some redder, some deeper. And in the centre of them all, a jagged dark pink line following the length of his forearm.

 

Shaking, she traced it.

 

There were what looked like scratches on its surface. As if he'd tried to erase the memory of it with his nails.

 

She took note of the newer ones, felt them go horizontally over the centre.

 

They were so fresh. 

 

Had he done them recently? 

 

"James," she whispered, glancing to his unresponsive form and back, "what did you do?" 

 

What that wasn't the right question.

 

"What did I do to you?" she fell to her knees, never wanting to letting go. She leaned her head against the bed, crying from her heart.

 

Steadying her breathing, she rose. 

 

She briefly let go of his hand to bring the chair closer to the bed. In one hand she took his hand again, while with the other, she stroked the bruise on his face one last time.

 

She leaned down brushing her lips on his.

 

"I promise," she told him, "I'll make it better, please believe me. Just come back to me and I promise I'll make myself worthy of you."

 

She kissed him one last time before sitting in the armchair, watching him, urging him to come back.

 

And so she sat by him, not even wiping the tear streaks that ran down her chin anymore.

 

She never moved her eyes away from James' sleeping form, glancing from his arm to his bruised face, each time flinching with a renewed sense of shame. 

 

She watched him until exhaustion had taken her over, unaware of the two silver eyes watching her in silent awe.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

Sirius didn't know how long he had been standing there, in the corner, under the Invisibility Cloak.

 

He watched the scene unfold before him, not believing his senses. 

 

He had sneaked in when they had entered. 

 

With the door closed he didn’t really have an escape.

 

He hadn’t expected Lily to react like this. He hadn’t thought that she might have actually cared for James like this, not after what he found out about last year. He hadn’t realised how much she had been hurting, until this very moment. 

 

She hadn’t given him time to react. To leave. To allow her this time to be alone.

 

So he remained by the door, watching her from the shadows; watching her every move, witnessing her every tear, hearing every word.

 

Watched her trace his scars.

 

Witnessed every caress and touch.

 

Heard every promise and bargain she made, trying to bring James back.

 

She had never shown this side of her before. 

 

She seemed so fragile in her despair. Almost as fragile as James. 

 

She appeared so human; no longer the untouchable and evasive goddess, unable to do wrong as she seemed with everyone all the time. 

 

Only yesterday, he himself had thought that she was devoid of emotion. Insistent on her detachment of them, especially in regards to his best friend. 

 

He had always mocked James' enchantment with her, but now he saw what James had seen. She was beautiful, human with the ability to cry and laugh, just like him. It struck him now, how hard it must have been for her, why she hid behind a mask.

 

He wondered if James had been the only one that had ever truly seen who she was. 

 

A secret kind of respect grew for both Lily and James as a new sense of shame grew for the way he had acted toward them. 

 

He thought his friend a fool and thought of her as a cold hearted bitch that didn't deserve the light of day.

 

But as he saw what James had seen, he felt privileged to be one of the few people that had seen the true beauty that is Lily Evans.

 

“I love you James,” a simple sentence that blew him out of his reverie. 

 

He stared at her wondering if he had been hearing things.

 

“I know I should have told you that night. But I do. I did. I always will,” he heard her whisper to his hand. 

 

Sirius blinked once more, feeling like an intruder. He shifted his eyes to somewhere else in the room, somewhere where James and Lily were not.

 

“Now please, wake the fuck up and come back to me,” he chuckled to himself.

 

She really was perfect for James.  

 

He wasn’t sure how long he had stayed in the room. It could have been an hour, it could have been all night. 

 

He didn’t mind. He might have been under the Cloak, in a corner, alone in a hospital wing with Lily and James, but he didn’t mind.

 

Finally, she had fallen asleep. 

 

He moved, without realising, and as he approached her sleeping form and placed a blanket over her, brushing her hair away from her face as she rested her head on James's hand.

 

ooOOooOOoo

 

James had a splitting headache when he tried to open his eyes.

 

Something felt wrong. This didn’t feel like a typical hangover. His entire body was aching and he was finding it difficult to move. 

 

He tried opening and closing his hand but he could only get his fingers to wiggle. His muscles felt so weak.

 

Was there something heavy on his chest? Why couldn’t he breath?

 

He opened his eyes slowly, trying to focus on his bed posts, only to realise that he wasn’t in his bed. He wasn’t even in the Gryffindor dormitory at all.

 

Where was he?

 

Where was Sirius?

 

Why was his head killing him?

 

"Mr. Potter!" a voice echoed through the migraine. 

 

He turned to it, still having some issues focusing. 

 

Had he been in this room before? It felt oddly familiar.

 

"It's about time you woke up. It must have been quite the fall," the voice explained. "We expected you awake days ago. Many people have been quite worried indeed."

 

Madame Pomfrey?

 

Was he in the Hospital Wing?

 

He'd fallen?

 

A flash of a Quidditch game flashed in his mind. 

 

He'd fallen. He'd been hit and he fell!

 

Fuck. 

 

Days ago? When had he fallen?

 

What day was it?

 

Who the fuck were 'many' people?

 

He groaned loudly, his head threatening to make his eyes bleed. He felt a shock of pain go through his left hand and flinched.

 

What the fuck? 

 

Why the hell did his hand hurt?

 

Another memory flashed within him.

 

Had he punched a fucking bludger?

 

He winced.

 

"I'll inform Mr. Black of your recovery, now please drink this. It should help with the concussion," Madame Pomfrey informed him, driving a greenish liquid filled glass into his hands, before walking out of the room.

 

He drank it, feeling better almost immediately.

 

He lay his head back down, waiting for the room to stop moving. It seemed to be one of the private rooms, like it had been last time.

 

Was it the same one?

 

He let his eyes glance around the room.

 

Definitely looked like it. He wondered if there were more of these private rooms and if there were, how many of them there would be.

 

Beginning to relax in the calmness of the room, James sank into the bed,closing his eyes, trying to remember what had happened.

 

He'd been flying. He remembered that.

 

Then he was falling.

 

How had that happened. He thought back again.

 

He'd been flying. Something hit him.

 

Then he was falling.

 

Was that right? Had something thrown him off his broom? Had someone thrown something at him to make sure he fell?

 

He tried going back again.

 

He was flying. Sirius was yelling something at him. Something hit him.

 

Then he was falling.

 

Had Sirius seen what hit him?

 

Had something happened with him? Why did he remember being angry at his best friend?

 

He stopped trying to find answers; his head had started spinning again.

 

_ Fuck you Black. _

 

The voice sounded so familiar and at the same time distorted from rage. He shut his eyes tightly, trying to remember why he would be screaming at his best friend.

 

The room door flung open shaking him out of his memories, Sirius, Remus and Peter running through it, out of breath but smiling from ear to ear.

 

“Thank fuck you’re awake!” Sirius exclaimed, trying to breath. It seemed as if he had ran from the other side of the castle. 

 

He probably had.

 

“Hey guys,” he smiled at them weakly. 

 

He tried to sit up in the bed.

 

“We can’t stay long, Madam Pomfrey’s orders, but we’ll be back later,” Remus winked at him. 

 

“It took you long enough Prongs,” Peter said exasperatedly. “Was starting to think you were just pretending to be asleep to miss out on homework,” he giggled.

 

“How long have I been here?” James asked, trying to get comfortable.

 

They looked at each other confused.

 

“Hasn’t Madame Pomfrey told you anything?” Remus asked him tentatively.

 

“No. What was she supposed to have said?” he asked them apprehensively. They exchanged another look.

 

“Guys, you’re scaring me. How long have I been here? And why?” he was getting very nervous with the constant silent exchanges.

 

His heart beat faster, thinking of the worst possible scenario.

 

“You were hit by a rogue bludger,” Peter began to explain slowly, glancing at the others as he spoke.

 

“You fell off your broom. About 45 feet. We thought you were a goner,” Remus whispered grimly.

 

“You’ve been unresponsive for days,” Sirius told him, cautiously.

 

They weren’t sure how James would take the news. It seemed as if his memories were uncertain. They looked at each other once more not knowing how to react, waiting for a cue from him.

 

James’ blood froze, his throat went dry and the room started spinning again. He moved his head back to his pillow, trying to take in all of it. 

 

“You ok?” Sirius asked worry rising inside him. He nodded against the pillows, unsure of whether or not he was telling the truth.

 

“What day is it then?” he asked the ceiling.

 

“Tuesday?” Peter answered, delicately. He started playing with his hands. He always did when he was nervous.

 

“What the fuck?” James’ head snapped up incredulous, instantly regretting it. “I’ve been out for three days?” 

 

Sirius shot Remus another look, Peter looked like he didn’t want to be there.

 

“It’s been ten,” Sirius said as gently as possible.

 

“Don’t get riled up, James,” Remus warned him, “we’ll get kicked out,” he glanced around in case Madame Pomfrey heard his distress.

 

They were safe for now. 

 

“Don’t get riled up?” he was finding it difficult to breath and he felt his heart working overtime. “Ten fucking days?”

 

He had the sensation that something was trying to empty his head, making him excruciatingly dizzy. It felt like he was being swallowed into his hospital bed.

 

“You’re ok Prongs,” Sirius tried to comfort him, stepping closer to him.

 

James felt a bolt of anger toward him, not knowing the origin. Was it something to do with what he couldn’t remember?

 

“You got some cuts and a nasty bruise, but you’re ok,” he smiled at him softly. 

 

Sirius reached him and took hold of his arm. James felt the need to move away from him; unable to do just that, he merely looked the other way, avoiding eye contact with them. 

 

Why was he so angry at him? What had happened?

 

“James are you ok?” Remus asked from the door. He could feel the tension building fast, making him feel very uncomfortable.

 

Was James still angry at Sirius? Did he even remember anything that happened before the match? He seemed to be confused and unable to focus very well. 

 

James looked back at Sirius darkly, making him move his hand away quickly.

 

Madame Pomfrey, as if sensing something was about to happen, appeared behind Remus and Peter.

 

“I believe it’s about time you boys went back to class. You can come by later,” she shooed them away, staring at Sirius pointedly from the doorway.

 

Sirius looked back at James uncertain.

 

“What did you do?” James growled at him.

 

He wasn’t sure why he was so angry at Sirius, but he knew he was pissed at him. He wanted to find out why. Why did he feel like he wanted to punch him.

 

Had he already punched him?

 

Sirius looked back him guilty, acknowledging the reason of James’ fury. 

 

_ "You fucking told her? I can't believe you fucking told her! Can't you just keep you fucking mouth shut just for once?"  _

 

James remembered, Sirius could see it in his eyes. The shame he had been feeling since that day, wrapped around him tightly as I searched for the words to explain. His heart sank, knowing there would be no words to undo what he had done.

 

“James I -,” he started softly. He wanted to apologise. To take it all back. To go back in time and erase all the mistakes. 

 

He couldn’t find the words. 

 

He paused, closing his eyes in disgrace. 

 

“Mr. Black, if you please,” Madame Pomfrey hissed.

 

Sirius looked at James once more, contempt glaring back at him.

 

“I’m sorry. I swear I’ll explain. I’ll be back later,” he told him hastily, touching his shoulder lightly.

 

“Don’t bother,” James’ voice was cold. 

 

He didn’t want to hear it. There was no excuse. He had told  _ her.  _

 

Sirius felt as if he’d been punched again. 

 

No. He’d rather have been punched again. 

 

He moved to the door, eyes downcast.

 

“I’ll be back whether or not you want me to,” Sirius informed him, “Nothing you can do about it,” he tried to smile at him but it felt pained. He wasn’t sure if he’d been successful.

 

He paused by the door before he walked out.

 

“I’ll let know Evans you’re awake,” he muttered at him without looking back.

 

James’ eyes snapped at his retreating back.

 

What the fuck had Sirius just said?

 

Why the fuck would he tell her?

 

Why the fuck would she care?

 

But he was alone now, anger and darkness moving in, with no one to answer the questions he had turning around in his mind. 

 

He wasn’t sure what was making him want to throw up; the questions or his concussion. Either way, he leaned over the side of the bed to do just that, greenish liquid spilling onto the floor, before he found himself falling back into bed, the room slipping away.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

James vaguely recalled hearing voices surrounding him, but his eyes wouldn't open. 

 

"He should have been able to keep it down," Madame Pomfrey was speaking to someone. "His concussion seems to be much worse than previously thought. We'll have to wait for him to wake up and try again."

 

"And when do you think that might be?" Remus? Weren't they supposed to have gone back to class? What were they doing back?

 

"I'm not sure, but I'll be keeping an eye on him through the night," she explained to them softly.

 

"What the fuck do you mean you're not sure? Isn't this -" Sirius was getting upset and losing his patience.

 

"Sirius!" Remus scolded.

 

James almost smiled, part of him wanting to watch the scene unfold.

 

"What?" he retaliated, James could hear him pacing anxiously.

 

"Mr. Black, I am afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I cannot condone that kind of language," she told him sternly.

 

It seemed like Sirius had glared at her in response.

 

"That won't change a thing. I understand that you are upset, you and Mr. Potter have had a very trying year. But yelling at me will not change the facts. Leave and return in the morning after you have calmed yourself down," she was pulling no punches.

 

He heard Sirius storm out without a word, slamming the door on his way out.

 

Madame Pomfrey sighed shakily.

 

"I apologise on his behalf Madame Pomfrey," Remus was saying, "he hasn't slept since the accident. He refuses to eat until James can join us." 

 

James's heart sank at the words.

 

"I understand Mr. Lupin, it's completely expected. After last year, I know how much this boy means to him. I recall the whole night clear as day. I often wonder how they are doing," she seemed to be talking mostly to herself.

 

James could feel cold shivers going town his spine.

 

"I dread to think what would have happened if you hadn't saved him that night," Remus whispered solemnly.

 

"I believe we both know what would have happened," she seriously.

 

"You're probably right," Remus faded off.

 

"That's not relevant presently but you need to keep an eye on these two, Mr. Lupin. This one's still trying to find his way back. And  _ that _ one seems to be taking it all on himself. If he’s not careful, he might just end up following him off the deep end," she advised him.

 

James figured Remus merely nodded as there had been no reply, before Madame Pomfrey continued talking.

 

"You can stay with him if you wish, Mr. Lupin. I won't bother you," she smiled at him fondly, "I'm sure you know your way out when you're ready."

 

"Thank you," he heard Remus call after her retreating footsteps.

 

Keeping his eyes shut, he felt Remus take a seat by his bed.

 

"She's gone. It's just me," he whispered to him, James could tell he was smiling.

 

"I know," he smiled wryly back at him, keeping his eyes closed, "my eyes feel too heavy to open." 

 

"How are you feeling besides that?" he frowned at him, watching him closely.

 

James tried to move but found his limbs uncooperative, he cringed and made another effort to open his eyes once more.

 

He peered at him with half closed eyelids.

 

"I've been better to be honest," he tried to joke.

 

"Have you?" Remus asked seriously, taking him by surprise. 

 

Remus crossed his arms in front of his chest, waiting patiently.

 

James sighed, blinking at the ceiling, forcing his eyes to cooperate.

 

"Truthfully, Mooney, this feels just about right," he whispered. 

 

He risked a glance at his friend, not knowing what to expect. 

 

Remus just kept watching him closely, studying his every move.

 

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most," he spoke sincerely, his voice breaking slightly.

 

"Remus, it's not your fault," James attempted to move his hand, to reach out to him.

 

"If anyone understands the darkness, it's me," he muttered to no-one, "I should have seen it. I was too self absorbed and I missed it. I'm so sorry," he trailed off.

 

James didn't know what to say. They sat silently in the hospital room.

 

"I hadn't planned it," he told him finally, not looking at him. "That night, I mean. I fucked up. Really badly. I just wanted it all to just go away. Just for a little bit. I needed some peace. To stop my fucking brain from screaming at me all the time. If it hadn't been for Sirius," he trailed off.

 

He looked at him dead in the eye.

 

"It wasn't your fault. I'm not your fault. There's just something fucking wrong with me," he told him defeated. 

 

He could feel himself shaking, but he wanted Remus to know.

 

Remus took his hand tentatively.

 

"There's nothing wrong with you, Prongs," he comforted him.

 

"How do you know that for sure?" he asked him in such a small voice it almost broke Remus' heart.

 

"Because if there was, you would have done it on purpose," he answered, "and you wouldn't have fucked up."

 

James gave him a small smile.

 

"Thanks Remus," James told him, facing the ceiling once more.

 

"Any time James," he replied, sitting back comfortably.

 

James wanted to ask about Sirius. After the conversation he had overheard Remus having with Madame Pomfrey, his anger seemed to evaporate.

 

Had Remus stirred the conversation, knowing he had been awake? It certainly sounded like something he would do.

 

As if reading his mind, Remus, spoke up.

 

"You need to talk to him. Clear the air. He's so fucking worried about you," he told him matter-of-factly, "hasn't stopped since he found you in May." 

 

James could feel his heart beating faster. Anger was building at himself.

 

"I know," was all he could say.

 

"I found him in the shower this afternoon. I don't know what the fuck you told him but he didn't come to class after our visit. He'd just been sitting there. In his uniform. There wasn't even any hot water. He was shivering and I don't think he even noticed."

 

James glanced at him sharply making his head hurt. He clenched his fist.

 

"I'm such a fucking asshole," he whispered to himself, "especially after everything I put him through."

 

"He doesn't blame you. He never has. He took all of it for himself. Until he heard about Lily. Then he blamed her. He just lost his cool," Remus wanted James to know.

 

Sirius would never tell him, especially if James refused to talk to him. James was going to hear it whether he wanted to or not.

 

It's not like he could leave.

 

"I blame me," James shook his head.

 

"Then fix it," Remus said pointedly. 

 

Remus rose from his chair, patting James's hand.

 

"You'll be ok James. We're all here for you," he smiled at him, "and if the darkness comes back you fucking tell it that."

 

He winked at him, turning to make his way to the door.

 

James smiled. Maybe Remus really did understand.

 

"Hey Mooney," he called after him.

 

"Yea, yea. I'll send him down," he called back, waving as he approached the door. James could tell he'd been smiling.


	13. Finally - The Correspondents

**Chapter 13: Finally - The Correspondents**

 

James fidgeted with his hands as he waited for Sirius to arrive. He knew this would be a difficult conversation to have. He needed to apologise and he needed to finally make things right between them.

 

His behaviour earlier had been unacceptable.

 

Remus had been right. He needed to fix this. 

 

A timid tapping drew his attention. Looking up he saw Sirius looking apprehensive and out of sorts, his knuckles still on the hospital door.

 

“Hey,” he whispered, unsure of what to do.

 

“Hey,” James replied, “come in.”

 

The invitation itself seemed to have brightened Sirius’ demeanour as he strolled into the room, taking the seat Remus had been using earlier. 

 

They sat in silence, each waiting for the other to react, to say something. Yet time slowly passed, with neither of them uttering a word, pressure building between them. James could see that Sirius was not quite meeting his eye, instead he looked anywhere but at him.

 

James took in a deep breath.

 

“I don’t blame you.”

 

James was surprised by the words that Sirius spoke. He stared at him, an urge to throw something at him became strong.

 

“What?” he asked bewildered.

 

Sirius finally looked up at him, grasping the armrests of his chair as if preparing for an impact.

 

“I don’t blame you for hating me,” he said. 

 

“Sirius -.”

 

“And I get why you never told me anything. I mean I was never able to keep my mouth shut. Even with Remus’ secrets. I get it. I mean -,” he wanted to keep going. To let him know that he knew that he had been a shitty friend, that he understood why he hadn’t been able to trust him with anything.

 

“Can you just shut the fuck up please?” 

 

James couldn’t stand hearing any more of the bullshit that was coming out of his best friend’s mouth. He fixed his eyes on him, Remus’ words earlier forcing him to picture the impact of his earlier words. 

 

Sirius stopped talking. James’ words weren’t filled with anger. He sounded tired, even if he’d been unconscious for ten days. It seemed as if he was still in pain as well, the impact of his fall probably causing more damage than what they could see.

 

“I need you to understand something,” James began slowly. Sirius nodded, not wanting to interrupt.

 

“I don’t blame you. I never did. It was always me,” he paused, taking another deep breath, looking down at his hands. “I lost my shit. I don’t know when exactly, but day by day I was sinking deeper and deeper and I had no idea what to do.”

 

“You should have -,” Sirius wanted to say he should have come to him, he should have come to them, but he stopped himself. 

 

“I know what I should have done, Padfoot. And I wanted to. I almost did. So many fucking times. I just got trapped in the notion that you deserved better. That I wasn’t strong enough to be next to you guys. I wanted to be better but all I did was make everything worse.” 

 

“James,” Sirius interrupted softly, wanting to release the emotion building in his chest. James seemed he was getting lost in his thoughts, dragging himself under again. He needed to prevent that from happening.

 

James looked him in the eye, ending the sentence before it began.

 

“Do you know what it’s like to have to pretend to be ok?” he asked softly before scoffing to himself, “Of course you do. But people expect you not to be ok. That wasn't meant to sound as harsh as it did but the truth is I don’t have anything wrong in my life to justify my behaviour to other people. It will boil down to me being a little bitch. And a burden. And I wanted to be neither of those.” 

 

“Why do you have to justify your behaviour? It’s your life. Who gives a shit what other people say,” it didn’t matter to him that James was glaring at him, he needed to break the darkening train of thought that seemed to be emanating from him.

 

“I love you man but I know you don’t believe that. I can hear it already; why does he have anything to be sad about? Is a grown ass man. Man up. Grow up. Just deal with it. I’ve heard it and I’m still hearing it; with every breath I take and every thought I formulate,” his eyes downcast once more.

 

He tried to breath, to control his heartbeat. He could feel himself getting sucked back into the darkest parts of his mind.

 

“I never once thought any of that. Does that not count for anything? The people that don’t know you, don’t know what you’ve had to deal with. They have no idea what you have gone through to try and be ok. Why does their opinion matter more than mine?” Sirius demanded, bringing James’ focus back to him.

 

“You’re missing the point.”

 

“Am i? I’ve had the shit beaten out of me since I was able to talk. Remus has been systematically been turning into a blood thirsty beast every month since he was five. Even Peter has had to deal with shit since he could remember. We built a tolerance. Your life was nothing like ours but you still accepted us. You still loved us. Then your entire world crashed down around you. And you dealt with it the only way you thought would work. Just because people don’t understand why you did what you did or do what you do, it doesn't mean that we don’t. We don’t like it and we want it to stop but we also know that a defence mechanism is hard to break. We’re here to help in anyway we can.”

 

“Sirius -,” James began, his hands balled into fist, grasping at the bedding. Whatever he was expecting, this had not been it.

 

“You’re not alone James. You never were and you never will be. That’s all I wanted to say. And I hope you trust me enough to know that I mean every single word.” 

 

James smiled at him, an overwhelming sense of warmth washing over him.

 

“I’m really sorry,” he whispered, his knuckles turning white.

 

“You need to cut that shit out,” Sirius growled. “You have nothing to be sorry about,” he breathed in deeply, his eyes moving away from him, fixating on the window on the other side of the room. “I on the other hand,” he found himself unable to finish his sentence.

 

James watched him knowing what he was trying to say. He knew he needed to utter the words, for clarity and to ease the guilt but something inside James couldn’t stay still.

 

“Don’t,” he told him, bringing his hand up, as painful as it was, to rub the back of his neck awkwardly, “she was bound to find out anyway.”

 

Sirius was unsure that the words were true. It was doubtful she would have ever found out if it hadn’t been for his big mouth, but he knew what James was doing. Protecting him.

 

Again.

 

Sirius shook his head, taking the hint.

 

“My jaw clicks now by the way,” he changed the subject massaging it for emphasis. James’ ears turned bright pink, despite the cheeky smile that formed.

 

“Sorry,” he muttered playfully.   

 

ooOOooOOoo

 

James woke up the next morning still feeling groggy. It took a few moments to remember where he was and why he was there.

 

He looked around the room, his eyes falling on Sirius sleeping on the hospital chair with his legs on his bed.

 

He smiled.

 

They had spent most of the night talking. They spoke about the past year and the Quidditch match. They laughed and cried, swore and hugged like brothers.

 

He had watched him, trying to find traces of anger toward him. He found none, regret tightening his own veins.

 

He remembered being so horrible to him. 

 

He'd apologised of course.

 

Sirius told him there was nothing that needed apologising, of course.

 

James could see him visibly relax. He could see the tension Sirius had lived with over the past ten days dissipate at his words. 

 

After all the things he had put him though, he had been a fucking asshole to act they way he had. He would have to make it up to him somehow.

 

He ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head and cringing at the memory of punching his best friend.

 

"I'm such a fucking asshole," he whispered to himself.

 

"At least you're a handsome fucking asshole," Sirius whispered sleepily.

 

James looked at him, surprised he was awake. Sirius was smiling at him, stretching across the chair, letting out a content yawn.

 

"Hey," James smiled at him sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.

 

"Morning," Sirius replied cheerfully.

 

James had seemed much better. Not entirely the old James but he had known for a while that he was never coming back. He would settle for him to be happy. 

 

That seemed to be happening. Cautiously taking small steps in the direction of leaving the darkness behind. These past few weeks had been a big step. For all of them.

 

Especially last night.

 

"How are you?" he asked James the weighted question, his eyes reading his movements.

 

James knew he could never hide any of himself from Sirius ever again.

 

"I can move my arms better," he showed off by flipping him off.

 

Sirius barked out a laugh.

 

"Show off," he couldn't stop smiling.

 

Their relationship had reached something new. Last night had highlighted their love for each other. The lengths they would go to for each other.

 

They had agreed that the darkness would never win again. They wouldn't let it.

 

They.

 

It felt nice to think of it like that.

 

That he wasn't alone anymore.

 

It wasn't even just Sirius. It was Remus too.

 

He'd thought of what he said the night before.

 

" _We're all here for you, and if the darkness comes back, you fucking tell it that."_

 

He smiled to himself.

 

"Seriously though," he wasn't quite smiling anymore, avoiding eye contact.

 

He took his legs off the bed, placing his elbows on his knees, leaning closer to him.

 

James examined him. The tension had returned to his shoulders. 

 

He knew he couldn't lie.

 

Not this time.

 

"No judgement?" he wanted to make sure, running another hand through his hair.

 

Sirius nodded visibly bracing himself, James breathed out.

 

"Still shitty. But not as fucked up," he told him honestly.

 

Sirius smiled.

 

"It's a start," he brought his arms behind his head, leaning back, relaxing.

 

James looked at him closely. It seemed like he had wanted to tell him something. 

 

"You hiding something from me, Black?" he tried to growl, but he wasn't really feeling it.

 

Sirius smirked at him.

 

"Well I do have some information that you might be interested in," Sirius winked at him, bringing his legs back onto the bed.

 

James raised an eyebrow. His curiosity was getting the best of him.

 

"Really now?" he wasn't hiding it very well.

 

Did it have anything to do with his comment about Evans last night?

 

"Well-," he started smugly, but a voice interrupted from the doorway.

 

"Shouldn't you be going to class Mr. Black?" Madame Pomfrey had appeared, cutting their conversation short.

 

Sirius snapped up from surprise, jumping to his feet as if a soldier.

 

"Err, right you are ma'am," he stuttered. He was filled with embarrassment from the way he had behaved the night before. 

 

His eyes downcast, he tried to mumble an apology.

 

"It's perfectly understandable Mr. Black, there is no need. I understand how frustrated you must have been. For you to see your best friend in the state he was in. Let alone twice in the same year," she smiled at both of them warmly, making them both blush.

 

"But seriously, you should go change, get to breakfast and go to class. Mr. Potter will be meeting you for lunch," she smirked at their surprise.

 

There weren't many joys of being the school nurse but delivering good news in fun ways made it worth her while.

 

"Guess you'll have to wait until then," Sirius laughed at him.

 

James glared at his best friend.

 

"Can you at least let me know what it's about?" he was feeling nervous.

 

Sirius paused at the door for a moment, contemplating what his move should be. He turned to him, smiling an evil, mischievous smile.

 

"Lily," he winked at him before disappearing, leaving him alone to contemplate what the fuck he meant by that.

 

He couldn’t remember the last time Sirius had called her by her name.

 

Well this couldn’t possibly be good.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

He was listening to his words but they weren't registering. 

 

What was he saying?

 

He looked over at her. She was watching him.

 

The pressure of her eyes weighed him down, making him nervous.

 

He glanced back at Sirius trying to focus on his words. He was forgetting to breathe. His head was spinning.

 

He glanced at her again. She was still watching him.

 

 _It's a lie. He's lying to you,_ the darkness was calling to him again.

 

Fuck you, he sniped at it, Sirius wouldn't lie to him. Not about this.

 

_He doesn't want you to be happy. Not really. He likes taking care of you. Makes him feel so superior watching you at your worst._

 

He could feel his stomach reacting to what Sirius was saying. It felt like it was trying to twist and untwist at the same time. 

 

He was starting to shake. 

 

He looked down at his hands, trying to calm down. He peered at his knuckles, still scabbed and bruised. He hadn't let Madame Pomfrey fix them.

 

He wanted the reminder. The pain.

 

He clenched them, making his nails dig into the bench on either side of him.

 

His shallow breaths were making him dizzy.

 

He stood up abruptly, surprising Sirius.

 

"James? What are-," Sirius started, looking at him concerned.

 

"I’m fine. I swear. I just-,” he paused, mumbling incoherently, “I have to go," he told him apologetically before turning his heel and almost ran out the Hall.

 

He watched him leave. 

 

_He'll be fine. He just needs some time._

 

He wasn't worried. Not after last night. 

 

He wasn't going to be alone for long anyway. He'd make sure of that, one way or another.

 

For now he allowed him some time to put his thoughts in order.

 

James just needed to process what Sirius had told him about Lily. How she never left his side when he was under. How she cried herself to sleep in the hospital chair by his bed. How she had said the words she said while kissing every single one of his scars.

 

He wasn't the only one that had watched him leave.

 

He smiled, watching her rise from her own seat to follow him out the Hall.

 

"Hey, Evans!" he yelled at her to get her attention. He caught it, making her pause.

 

He stood up, making his way to her leisurely.

 

"What you up to?" he asked her slyly. 

 

He knew she was going to follow him, that she was going to try and talk to him.

 

He just needed to talk to her first. 

 

Just to make sure of her.

 

He nudged her in the direction of the doors, signalling her to walk with him. 

 

She looked confused.

 

"Err," she thought of something to say, "I need to get back to do some homework," she finished lamely.

 

She knew, he knew, she was lying.

 

It was a shitty lie. 

 

She rolled her eyes at herself.

 

"Hmm," he muttered, "homework. Cool. I'll walk with you," he told her casually, smiling.

 

Lily was feeling so very confused. This was a very different Sirius than the one she had been confronted with previously.

 

They walked in slow silence. He watched her from the corner of his eyes. He watched her trying to find his trace. It made his smile broaden.

 

"You're never going to find him," he told her matter-of-factly. "If he doesn't want to be found. You won't." 

 

"I don't know what you're talking about," she mumbled. Her eyes still searched.

 

"Right," he replied, smiling smoothly.

 

He put his hands in his pockets, fidgeting with the pocket knife. 

 

There was something nagging inside him. Something he needed to get off his chest.

 

"Evans," he started soberly, catching her attention. They paused and looked at each other.

 

"I just wanted to apologise for the-," he started earnestly. She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

 

"Don't. You have no need to. You were right. I know you were right," she gave him a small smile. "Honestly, at this point I'm surprised at your restraint."

 

He looked at her. Really looked at her, admiring her, not for the first time. He could really see it now. He'd witnessed it first at the Hospital Wing, but he could really see it here and now; she was something else. 

 

James had been right all along.

 

They continued down the corridor, the tension more relaxed between them.

 

"I'm so sorry Sirius," she whispered sincerely, looking at him sideways.

 

"I'm not the one that needs to hear it, Lily," he told her, looking downcast with his hands still in his pockets.

 

She smiled at the address of her actual name, blushing slightly.

 

"This one's for you," she continued. "I can't imagine what you've gone through, cleaning up my mess. Keeping him from drowning." 

 

He saw a tear escape her at the thought. He pretended he did.

 

"I did what I did for selfish reasons," he replied truthfully. "If he goes, I go."

 

The sentence surprised her and she knew he meant the words.

 

They continued for a few more minutes in silence.

 

_Where are we going? This wasn't the way to the Head Student's quarters._

 

The thought flashed in her mind but she found herself not minding. Walking the halls with Sirius, talking like this, felt nice.

 

"In the spirit of our new found friendship, I feel like I need to confess to one more tiny thing," he told her covertly, bringing up his hand, almost touching his thumb and index finger, to indicate how tiny it was.

 

She looked at him suspiciously.

 

"I was in James's hospital room that night," he admitted, putting his hand back in his pocket.

 

Lily blushed a deep scarlet, her heart fluttering. 

 

So he knew. That's why the walk. That's why the candidness. 

 

Her pulse raced and she looked away. Embarrassed.

 

"I want to believe you," he whispered to her. He seemed to be struggling with his words.

 

He stopped walking, turning to her.

 

"But I need to know you won't hurt him. I need you to promise _me_ , not him. _I'm_ the one that you have to convince, he'd say anything to be with you, even if it kills him," he advised her. "It damn near has," he added softly, mostly to himself.

 

She looked at him straight in his silver eyes. All she saw was unbridled honesty. 

 

How was she supposed to convince him? 

 

He watched her consider her emotions. There seemed to be a shift within her, quenching her doubts and her eyes turned a shade darker, filling with inflexible resolution.

 

"I will do everything in my power to never ever put him through anything like that ever again," her voice of steel determination.

 

Sirius smiled at her.

 

"Those are a lot of absolutes you're promising," he chuckled at her. "I'm warning you though, I'm going to be there every step of the way, making sure you keep every single one of them," his voice was low and dark, but his eyes sparkled.

 

He looked at her before moving his gaze to the painting behind her. She turned around to look at it.

 

It was a painting of an old tome, that had been opened and placed on an ornate pedestal in front of a large bookcase filled with ancient texts.

 

Lily glanced at him quizzically.

 

He smiled softly leaning to touch the painting. He traced the pages as if flipping to a different one. Each page had a different title.

 

He arrived at a page entitled _Retego._  

 

Suddenly the painting moved, while the book closed itself and reopened at a different page again, as if nothing had happened.

 

She looked at him again asking so many questions but not uttering any of them.

 

"I'll be making sure you're worthy Evans. Keep that in mind," he winked at her.

 

He turned and walked away from her, waving as he went, disappearing down the corridor, leaving her feeling apprehensive and alone.

 

She turned to examine the painting, unsure of what to expect on the other side.

 

She pushed it further, revealing a small room. It had white sheets covering the furnishings and a small window on the far wall facing her.

 

And James.

 

OoOoOoOoO

 

He sat alone in his private prison, sitting on the edge of the cloth covered table, legs resting on the bench along its side, face in his palms, grasping at his hair.

 

Sirius's voice was ringing through him.

 

_I'm telling you mate, she was there all night. Didn't even sleep till dawn._

 

Had he really meant it? 

 

He would never lie to him right? 

 

Fighting the urge to listen to the shadows, he searched the conversation for more information. He had been so preoccupied with trying to breath he might of not heard him clearly.

 

_I really think that she might -_

 

Why hadn't he let him finish?

 

Why did he have to run away like a baby? 

 

What was he going to say?

 

He was finding the air in his lungs insufficient, his chest was tight. He was starting to hyperventilate.

 

Was he saying what he thought he was going to say? 

 

Could it be that Lily -

 

"James?" 

 

His head snapped up to the voice before him. 

 

"Evans?" he whispered in disbelief. He looked behind her toward the entrance, "how-?" 

 

He shook his head slightly, shutting his eyes exasperated.

 

"Black," he growled unconvincingly.

 

He was feeling nervous. She was so close to him, blocking his escape. He became very aware of his bloodshot eyes and shaking hands.

 

She stepped closer.

 

He could feel his heartbeat in his ears. 

 

She stood, watching him.

 

She wanted to tell him so much. She wanted to apologise. She wanted to kiss and hug him. Give him every part of herself.

 

He watched her. He wanted to run away from her. He wanted to run to her. He wanted to touch her and smell her. It was all he could do to just sit there and watch her.

 

She stepped closer, taking his hands in hers.

 

She kissed his disappearing bruises. She kissed his scabbing knuckles.

 

"Evans?" he whispered unsure. 

 

Her eyes fluttered to his, before they moved to the bruise on his face. She traced the mostly healed wound, remembering seeing it so vividly while he lay in the Hospital Wing.

 

He felt a shiver go down his spine while fire spread through him at her tentative touch. He moved his hand to hers, making her focus on his eyes once more.

 

"Lily?" he asked once again, transfixed by her movements, spellbound by her touch.

 

His body was alight with aching anticipation. 

 

Mesmerised by him, she leaned to him, pressing her lips softly onto his.

 

It was a short kiss. Barely lasting a few seconds but it changed everything.

 

He pulled away, peering into her, searching for something. His hand moved to her hair, trailing down the length of the strand that fell to her face. He moved the strand behind her ear, moving his hand behind her head and pulling her to him.

 

He wanted to kiss her again. And again. And again.

 

She moved to him, taking his face in her hands.

 

He traced her lips with his tongue and it was all he could do not to lose his mind. He tasted her, nibbling on her bottom lip, trying to pull her ever closer.

 

She kneeled on the bench in front of him between his legs, arching her back to reach him, feeling him against her chest.

 

He groaned against her, drawing her to him again, gripping her hair tighter.

 

He wanted more, he wanted to make her see him. He just wanted her.

 

She couldn't hold back anymore. She couldn't fight it anymore. He needed to know.

 

She broke away from the kiss. 

 

At his questioning look, eyes burning with desire, she rose, pulling her jumper over her head. She climbed over him, placing a leg on each side of him.

 

She sat on his lap, a moan escaping her as she felt his hardness pressed against her. She bit her lip.

 

He watched her, mesmerised at her beauty. Each movement captivating his attention. He didn't take his eyes off hers for a moment.

 

One hand fell to the small of her back, massaging gentle circles at the base of her spine, making her grind up against him causing him to groan impatiently, while his other draped behind her shoulders, driving her further into him.

 

Her head rolled to the ceiling, moaning in pleasure.

 

His lips found her neck, his hand moved from her shoulder to under her hair, tugging gently to keep her looking up. 

 

He traced her neck, biting and licking, enjoying her reactions against him. It was driving him crazy.

 

She tugged at his shirt, snapping the first two buttons off before losing patience. Her hands moved down to his belt buckle.

 

Releasing him from his restraints, he moved his other hand from the small of her back to her backside, squeezing playfully before moving further between her.

 

He released her neck, tugging at her hair to look her in the eyes. Dilated pupils stared back at him.

 

Without breaking eye contact, he lifted her slightly and slid inside her.

 

Merlin he'd missed her.

 

So much more than what he allowed himself to ever admit.

 

Her legs wrapped around him tighter as she breathed him in. She was so close but she didn't want it to end.

 

Not now she had him.

 

He kissed her hungrily, wanting to devour her, slowly moving beneath her, wanting to reach a deeper part of her.

 

She was losing herself to him.

 

She'd made herself forget how perfect he felt inside her, how he made her writhe in ecstasy.

 

"James," she gasped as he thrust once more. The voice wasn't hers. It was filled with fervour.

 

He loved her calling out his name like this. He embraced her tighter, burying his head in her neck sucking on her pulse as he plunged even further.

 

Her nails drew red lines against his back, his shirt now somewhere on the floor, her movements distracting him from concentrating on anything other than her. Her lips by his ear, she breathed his name once more, quivering from the eruption inside her.

 

He shuddered against her, going over the edge, her trembling voice whispering in his ear.

 

Releasing her pulse, he trailed soft kisses up her neck and jaw.

 

He leaned his forehead against hers, brushing her hair away from her eyes.

 

"Merlin, I fucking missed you," he whispered to her, unaware he said it out loud.

 

He didn't want to move. He wanted to stay entwined with her forever. In this room. The room filled with his nightmares. 

 

She drove them away. 

 

She rested her head on his shoulder, not daring to break their intimacy.

 

She sighed against him.

 

He laid his back down onto the table, taking her down with him.

 

They remained there for a while, in each others arms, not speaking but taking each other in. James caressing her hair, staring at the ceiling, Lily lay on his chest stroking his arm, watching as she traced the lines drawn across his skin.

 

She took a deep resolute breath, propping herself up on her hands. 

 

He looked at her, pushing her hair behind her ear, wondering if this would be the end again, feeling his heart rate accelerate.

 

"I'm sorry," she told him, looking downcast at his chest.

 

"Lily-" she stopped him with a finger to his lips. Her eyes found his.

 

"Just let me say this. Please. I need to," she stated. She didn't want to lose her nerve.

 

She would have preferred to have said all of this _before_ but she just couldn't stop herself.

 

"I was stupid," she mumbled, "I loved you, back then -" James moved her finger away.

 

"What did you say?" his heart was going faster as he searched the eyes that were now boring into his.

 

"I loved you. Last year. I know that now, I was scared," she admitted quietly. 

 

She placed her hand on the table, as if waiting for a reaction. Maybe outrage, or pain?

 

"And now?" he was so terrified of the answer that he was forgetting to breath. 

 

"I still love you. I always have. I always will."

 

He stared at her, trying to read her. He was too scared to move in case it was a dream. 

 

He blinked.

 

"One more time," he asked her, an alien sense of happiness building inside him.

 

She smiled at him shyly.

 

"I love you James," she whispered to him. 

 

He cupped her face, slowly raising himself to her.

 

"Again," he couldn't get enough of those words. He wanted to hear them come from her lips over and over.

 

"You're being ridiculous," she giggled. 

 

He shook his head seriously, getting his lips as close to hers without touching her.

 

"Say it," he sent shivers down her spine again. She could feel him stirring beneath her again. Feeling her own arousal, she swallowed hard.

 

"I love you," the words rang through him as he captured her lips, desperately sealing in the words she spoke.

 

He flipped her over onto the table, placing her softly under him, in the middle of it.

 

Instinctively she wrapped around him again as he slipped between her legs once more. Her nails drawing blood on his back, as she gasped at the sensations.

 

"Again," his voice trembled against her ear. 

 

She moved a hand down his back, making him dig deeper. She pushed his trousers further down gripping him tighter, making him stay in her depths as she found his eyes.

 

"I love you," she kissed him, wanting to taste his soul.

 

He groaned against her as she arched her back to him, guiding him far deeper than ever before.

 

She was driving him to the edge again and he wasn't sure he could control himself anymore.

 

He lifted himself a few inches above her, resting a hand on the wall, while the other one found her waist, watching her react to him with every thrust he gave. He arched his back every time, enthralled at her surrender.

 

"Again," he demanded from her, his voice almost growling, a desperate hunger for her making him lose control, pushing ever harder and ever deeper.

 

"I love you," she soughed, reaching her peak, her body wrapping against his, echoes of ecstasy rippling through her making her shudder against him once more.

 

He felt himself peaking, while she shook around him. His head rolled to the ceiling with one final push before he collapsed on top of her.

 

"One last time," he whispered into her hair, inhaling her scent.

 

She stroked his hair at the back of his head, while her other hand traced his spine softly, making him sigh.

 

"I love you, James." 

 


End file.
